Anyone have any suggestions on the snooping part? I assume it is either going to come up tonight or tomorrow and if it does, I think my strategy is no strategy, just be honest. And do better going forward.
Yes, be honest and do better going forward.
If it comes up in comm, validate.
ie. If she says she feels like you invaded her privacy. Let her know that you understand how it could feel that way.
Even if you feel you need to explain that the silence or lack of comm was driving you crazy and that you needed to know... something... Don't. No rationalizations or justifications. just validate.
Also, if you feel you need to tell her you will "do better" or will stop, it may appear like empty words to your W. Just simply DO what you would otherwise say. She will eventually notice.
Just an FYI: If you are tempted to tell her that you were "wrong" in doing something, you are attempting to take ALL the responsibility.
Was it inappropriate? Perhaps. Was it "wrong"? No. It was what you did, in light of the circumstances, opposed to your best ability to do something different.
She does need to eventually understand that she needs to be more open and transparent with you, regardless. Her actions are not "wrong" either. She simply has not come up with a better choice.
KD said it best ^^^^^^^^ . This is your new MO for a long time...please read it again and again until it is ingrained in you....
Quote:
Even if you feel you need to explain that the silence or lack of comm was driving you crazy and that you needed to know... something... Don't. No rationalizations or justifications. just validate.
When i started doing this ^^^^ consistently...no defense, etc, my W really noticed (after quite a long bit of testing me)...it changed the dynamic. I was was always one to defend myself in the past..this 180 had her scratching her head with a "wtf" look on her face, I didn't react like she expected me to...
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Thanks guys. Weird night last night. She was distant and cold to me for the first hour after I got home and through dinner. She didn't touch her wine, even though it is her favorite, and was distant after dinner. After I put the kids to bed, she took a shower. I asked her if she was going to have her wine and she said yes, she was feeling better now, her stomach had caused issues. She came and sat down in our family room and we had a good talk and she even had a second glass. We were talking about looking forward to therapy and she said "this has been a good week, it feels like old times." That, of course, almost brought me to tears but I didn't show it, I just asked her to tell me more, and she did.
We both went to bed at the same time and she ended up plugging her phone in our office (which is a location that I could snoop if I wanted to and she had been plugging it in on her nightstand). So, now I don't know what is up but I will find out today at therapy.
THANK YOU KD and T for your advice on how to respond, I agree that is a sound approach.
Me; 42, W; 43 M; 16 yrs S12, D9
3/13 - "I want to move to XYZ City (four hours away) and it might be without you, not sure" 5/13 - "Not sure I meant that"
I have been. W has become obsessed with fitness (working out and what we eat) and I have chosen to go along for the ride enthusiastically. My "playing weight" for the past 10 years or so has been +/- 5 lbs of 210. By December (precisely at the wrong time) I was up to 229. This morning after my workout, I weighed in at 206! Not only losing weight through the "W is in MLC and my marriage might end - I can't eat" diet, but getting in WAY better shape.
CB
Me; 42, W; 43 M; 16 yrs S12, D9
3/13 - "I want to move to XYZ City (four hours away) and it might be without you, not sure" 5/13 - "Not sure I meant that"
Thank you for your thoughts, I am trying to follow the manual but looking for ways that I might need to tweak the manual for my sitch.
BTW, thank you for saying I seem like a nice person. I haven't had a lot of compliments lately and seeing that was really nice. Especially at a time I was feeling pretty down on myself yesterday.
CB
Me; 42, W; 43 M; 16 yrs S12, D9
3/13 - "I want to move to XYZ City (four hours away) and it might be without you, not sure" 5/13 - "Not sure I meant that"
Next therapy at in hour and a half. All week I looked forward to it, but now I am feeling very nervous, not sure why. Trying to keep a PMA as I love our therapist. Maybe it is the anxiety of her upcoming trip this weekend that has me so worked up.
Listen to her and try to let her go first. Don't drone on with long answers. When she hasn't answered, don't let her off the hook by jumping in. Breathe. These are my goals.
CB
Me; 42, W; 43 M; 16 yrs S12, D9
3/13 - "I want to move to XYZ City (four hours away) and it might be without you, not sure" 5/13 - "Not sure I meant that"
One practical question. Do I bring up the question about why she hasn't accepted my FB Friend request? It has been two weeks, she knows she hasn't accepted it, she knows I know, it feels like an elephant in the room...
Or, do I play it cool and wait for her to say something or change her mind and accept it?
Me; 42, W; 43 M; 16 yrs S12, D9
3/13 - "I want to move to XYZ City (four hours away) and it might be without you, not sure" 5/13 - "Not sure I meant that"
I would leave the FB question alone. It's her choice as to whether she accepts it or not. If you raise the question, it will confirm to her that you are watching her every move. Sit quietly, be patient and the answers will come when you least expect them.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
