Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Wife is having an emotional affair

Just found out I could get DB and DR on amazon and I had a gift card enough to pay for both so I went ahead and ordered them. which one should I start with?

You are getting a lot of "script", Alan. Generally, we see one of two things. Either every problem in their life and the M is the LBS fault, or the other is that it is THEM, not the LBS.

The reality is, if there was nothing wrong with the M, then why would she seek someone else?

She's giving you reasons / justifications / rationalizations for what she is doing.

I think the biggest thing for you to understand is, there is something very wrong with this guy. Your W is a married woman, yet he is "involved" with her. That said, most As end, eventually.

DB was the first book and it is very good. The second one is more like a "workbook" if you will. So for reading, I would say read DB. Use the chapters in DR to work through creating your plan.

Also, remember that you really want to take this time for your own growth. While your W won't tell you there was anything "wrong" with the M, there are certainly things that you could work on. What might those things be?

You want to become a man that only a fool would leave and this growth of yours will be positive in your life and any future R, whether your M is saved, or not.

OM also has a gf and they have been together for over a year. I don't think she has any idea any of this is going on. If he is being "unfaithful" to his current gf I don't see why my W would think it would be any different with her if they ended up together.



I've started going to the gym and exercising more. I'm not terribly overweight but could stand to drop a few pounds. I played on my high school soccer team and I think I'm gonna look for a group around here to play with.

Also I couldn't find any e-book copies of DB or DR so I'm still waiting for them to come in. The only thing she's really told me is that she didn't realize I was showing my love for her so I found an e-book of the LL book and started reading last night. I'm about half way through it already. What do you think about asking W to take the profile quiz in the book?

I haven't been so angry today, and I'm taking that as a positive step. At this point I would still like to work things out if it's possible. tomorrow will be one week since she told me she didn't want to be married to me anymore. I've been doing my best to shut out the texting that's still going on and I've noticed my mood has improved a bit. I've done a lot of cleaning the past couple days and that helps take my mind off it.

well, tonight was pretty rough. She got home from rehearsal around 9 and I had some food made so she could eat (I usually do most of the cooking) after she got some food and said very minimal things about her day she went straight to the computer. She spent all night on the computer and texting and didn't even say a word to me. When she got in bed at 1 I said good night and she said good night back but that was all.

I feel like I will not make any progress while she is still talking with OM. I want to work things out with her but I can't stay in a M where I want to take a back seat to OM. I really don't think that even after the A was over that I could be ok with them staying friends, and I know that she would want to. I saw a couple other place where people said that all contact with OM should be cut off. I can't stop thinking that I'm doing everything wrong.

I wrote this last night but I think the forums were down.

I need to rant for a little but.

So, yesterday morning W asked if it would be ok if one of her female friends came over tonight and spent the night here. I didn't have a problem with that so I agreed. So, I go pick them up from school after her rehearsal and on the way home W says that she had a charlie horse at rehearsal and wanted to get some bananas because potassium would help with it. I was wearing pajamas so we decided that we would go home first then W and her friend would go to the store for bananas. Then an hour went by and they should have been back. I started to worry that they got into an accident or something and tried texting W. No answer, so I tried calling. It went straight to voice mail. Then I found her friends number and texted her asking where they were at. She responded that they "stopped by [OM and his girlfriends] apartment because I have never met them. be back soon." keep in mind that it is midnight.

I'm really upset with W right now. I'm really starting to feel that sticking around and trying to work things out with her is a complete waste of time. I wish it was easier to decide what to do.

well, I'm pretty sure the M over. I don't want it to end but I can't stay with someone who treats me like she does. She has been saying that she doesn't know what she wants to do but this morning she said that she had decided on leaving me for OM. She admitted to kissing OM but says that's as far as it went. We argued this morning and she asked "why don't you just leave me?" then I said something like "I'm not the one that wants to leave why don't you leave?" and "she said OK I will." Then we talked a little more and she said if I wanted to go to counseling that she would go. Then I told her that I didn't want her to go just because I wanted her to. I don't feel like fighting for M anymore. The whole situation just [censored] but I'm going to carry on and hopefully I'll be able to find a relationship worth fighting for.

Thanks for all the support. I'll probably stick around the forums for a while.

Alan, even though in your last post you suspect your M is over, that is possibly your emotions speaking. That's understandable. Most of us have gone through the emotional ups and downs.

I don't think there's an e-book of DB or DR, so you'll have to wait or maybe you can find a copy at the library, for the time being.

As far as 5LL, it's a great book. Just refrain from passing on any self help info to your W. She will just see it as pressure. If you want to know her LL, you will need to figure it out based on the info in the book and what you know about your W.

Having said that, do not use the info that your learn in attempting to change your W's mind. She will likely sense that you are trying to manipulate her, and that won't get you very good mileage.

The best course of actions remain, change yourself to change the sitch. Become the best man you can be, that only a fool would leave. If you end up D, then you are an awesome catch for any future R.

You will have moments of emotional roller coaster through this. You may want to look at info on the stages of grieving. Although the information is often in reference to death, it can also relate to any severe, emotional loss.

Also, none of this is linear. You may find yourself one step back after three steps forward. Just trust that every day has helped you grow and move forward.

Remember that this is not a quick fix. This will take time. Probably much longer than you think. There is the entire D process to go through during which... ANYTHING can happen... and you can get a good look at what that means, by reading through so many of the sitches, here.

OK, sit back and take a deep breath! Right now you're talking from a position of anger and frustration. And that's OK, that's one of the purposes these forums serve- it lets you vent to people that aren't directly attached to your sitch. But you do not want to take action when you're in that place. Your emotions are still raw from W's disclosure that she wants to move out and go to OM. You're going to need some time to process this info and come to accept it. So give yourself some time and space. Meditate, go for a walk/ run, ride a bike, whatever you do to help yourself think and recenter.

Have you read DR? Have you read the sticky at the top of the forum with Sandi's DB 180 tips? If not, read those right away. Remove all pressure from your W. Do not initiate any R conversations. If she wants to talk then just listen to her and validate her emotions.

I guess OM broke up with his girlfriend. There is this masquerade ball thing tonight, W doesn't want me to go with her, I know OM will be there. I know W has been lying to me a lot recently I don't trust anything she says anymore. I saw a text from OM today that said I love having sex with you and other some other stuff. A PA is a deal breaker for me so I guess all I can do now is make it through this the best I can and continue to work on myself for any future R. I'm sure I don't have to tell any of you that have been in a similar situation how difficult it is. I still don't know if there was anything i did to cause this. W did tell me a few days ago that she had miss the cute texts I sent to her before we were married. I don't understand why she would want me to send her a text when I'm sitting right next to her and still verbally said things to her. I guess it's still possible for me to change my mind about the M but I don't know if that will happen.

Sorry to hear you are going through this. Hang in there Alan. My W is currently involved with OM right now. It has been EA/PA as well. I understand where you are coming from. The best thing you can do is give her the time an let her do what she is gonna do. You can't control it. If PA is a deal breaker for you then that's understandable, but I would give yourself a few months of time and space away from W to really make that decision.
I must say based of your situation it would be a deal breaker for me. If I would have found out W easing having an A while we were together I don't think I could ever forgive her. In my situation my W began with other man about a month and half after she filed for D and we were separated. So I don't see it as being in a "committed relationship"
Having said that, I am not going to wait around and try to work in my M while she is involved with someone else. So I'm doi by best to move forward and focus on me.
This is the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with!
You will get through this just like me one way or the other.