T^2 is absolutely correct, people do not choose to go through the mlc. It happens because of childhood issues/traumas. They were emotionally stunted as children and now they are trying to figure out what happened to them. Each and every person goes through a life's transition at different times in their lives, i.e., generaly at the ages of 20, 30, 40, etc. If people do not navigate these life transitions, eventually a mlcer will occur. It's not a pleasant journey for them because it is very, very painful and to have to go back to that time and try to grow up and be mature adults, well, let's just say it's their worse nightmare.
Just because you don't see bumps, bruises, cuts, scrapes, etc., that doesn't mean that they aren't hurting. The hurt is emotional pain and until they can resolve those issues of long ago, they will continue to experiment w/different quick fix, feel good outside sources, such as drinking, gamboling, drugs, spending, and op.
If you haven't already read the resources at the top of this forum, please do so. They will help you better understand some of what they are going through.
The more you learn about mlc, the more you'll be able to understand what they are going through.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
This is interesting. During some of the first conversations with W after BD she explained how she did not want to be like her mother. She always thought her mother gave up everything for marriage and kids. She told me that when she was young she saw her mother close to committing suicide. She has never told anybody about this, and claims that to this day she thinks her mother never really loved her father - but just put up with it, and died before her time should have been up and unhappy.
This is exactly the reason W wants divorce. She is miserable and does not want to put up with it just for kids, she wants to get a new life now, not be like her mother.
Me: 38 W: 35 M: 9Yrs T: 15Yrs S8 D5 BD: Feb 13 Still Living Together
I feel like I'm in thick forest, I'm slowly drawing a map of the way out, but not sure yet which side of the forest I will emerge.
This is exactly the reason W wants divorce. She is miserable and does not want to put up with it just for kids, she wants to get a new life now, not be like her mother.
But an adult would have thought about that before they got married and had children.
What you mean the same W that claims that she should have left me years ago before we got married, but felt this is what her parents wanted. The same W that once threatened me that if I could not commit or did not want children she could not be with with me anymore. The same W that knew I was going to propose the night I did and was dreading it (yet still said yes with tears of joy and I have this photo to prove it), then shortly after agreed to have try for a baby. Oh in fact she then agreed to have a second.
Yep, you would have thought so - ha ha ! : )
Me: 38 W: 35 M: 9Yrs T: 15Yrs S8 D5 BD: Feb 13 Still Living Together
I feel like I'm in thick forest, I'm slowly drawing a map of the way out, but not sure yet which side of the forest I will emerge.
To be more accurate, this is the precise reason "right now". That's very different than anything "precise" during MLC.
I can't tell you how many times I received "precise" reasons that later were contradicted by "precise" reasons later. There is some truth in the statement she doesn't want to become her mom. And some irony in there I'm sure.
Be careful to not over-analyze 2.4. It's maddening for her and she can't help it. It's going to be maddening for you and you have a choice. Be patient and let her work through her feelings. Be friendly and patient. You can always walk away at any time, but I advise being patient vs. moving your feet.
I do know it's hard to do.
All the best,
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
You have been given some great advice. T^2 has an MLCer at home and can offer you a window into what that is like. MizJ does as well, but I think it is good to get a perspective from the same genders as some articles suggest that women and men go through MLC a bit differently.
I am no help DBing with someone at home, mine is far, far away.
I also agree with Snodderly. Read what you can on MLC. It will give you a glimpse into what these people are going through. The trick is to balance your compassion for them and protect yourself and your own health at the same time. Because one thing is clear to me: in the way that teenagers just assume that their parents will love them no matter what and consequently put up with a lot, so the MLCer thinks. However, I have not lost sight of the fact that I am dealing with an ADULT whatever their actions. The reading will help with that.
But once you understand what is going on - then shelve the reading and focus on you and your life. She is still in the house and that is good. I obsessively read and read and read. And you know what? I could pin-point all of our mistakes, the craziness, etc. but it makes no difference because at the other end of the see-saw is a human being who is not reacting with any logic or kindness or compassion. Read what you need to understand. Then shelve the rest.
You can always walk away at any time, but I advise being patient vs. moving your feet.
Thanks AJ, its a good point you raise. I can walk away at anytime and if i wanted to I could have by now. Guess I've just not quite had enough yet!
Quote:
To be more accurate, this is the precise reason "right now". That's very different than anything "precise" during MLC.
I can't tell you how many times I received "precise" reasons that later were contradicted by "precise" reasons later. There is some truth in the statement she doesn't want to become her mom. And some irony in there I'm sure.
With this do you mean that the reasons will changes as W makes her way through this?
Me: 38 W: 35 M: 9Yrs T: 15Yrs S8 D5 BD: Feb 13 Still Living Together
I feel like I'm in thick forest, I'm slowly drawing a map of the way out, but not sure yet which side of the forest I will emerge.
You have been given some great advice. T^2 has an MLCer at home and can offer you a window into what that is like. MizJ does as well, but I think it is good to get a perspective from the same genders as some articles suggest that women and men go through MLC a bit differently.
I am no help DBing with someone at home, mine is far, far away.
I also agree with Snodderly. Read what you can on MLC. It will give you a glimpse into what these people are going through. The trick is to balance your compassion for them and protect yourself and your own health at the same time. Because one thing is clear to me: in the way that teenagers just assume that their parents will love them no matter what and consequently put up with a lot, so the MLCer thinks. However, I have not lost sight of the fact that I am dealing with an ADULT whatever their actions. The reading will help with that.
But once you understand what is going on - then shelve the reading and focus on you and your life. She is still in the house and that is good. I obsessively read and read and read. And you know what? I could pin-point all of our mistakes, the craziness, etc. but it makes no difference because at the other end of the see-saw is a human being who is not reacting with any logic or kindness or compassion. Read what you need to understand. Then shelve the rest.
We are here for you.
Thanks Portia, for taking the time to stop by. I know you are having a rough time of it right now, and hope you are also taking care of yourself.
Me: 38 W: 35 M: 9Yrs T: 15Yrs S8 D5 BD: Feb 13 Still Living Together
I feel like I'm in thick forest, I'm slowly drawing a map of the way out, but not sure yet which side of the forest I will emerge.
Generally once a poster has 100 postings on his/her thread,, they are asked to begin a new one. Your thread filled up quickly!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I was the one who authored the comment that generated the discussion and really appreciate your perspectives and the sharing of your experiences.
I agree that the MLC'er feels pain, frustration, agony, heartbreak,etc... the same as the LBS and children. My comment was simply that there are times where even though that is understood and I have compassion for what my W is going thru, it is incredibly hurtful to experience.
Given your experiences, would it perhaps be more accurate for me to have stated that the MLC'er choosing how to react versus choosing to have a MLC?
Thanks for your insights.
Me-48,W-51 M-22,T-24 S- 18,16,9 Feb-Jul '11 Away from Home, after initial B date Aug-Dec '11 Back at Home on couch Dec '11-now Same bedroom, room mates only Dec '14 W files initial D paperwork
