Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers How to begin?

I’ll start off by stating that my login name seems to be a bit unfitting …should have been lostbuthopeful.

My story is much like many others I’ve read here. W left five weeks ago, no warning, I saw no signs. Appears to be textbook WAW, but this is all so alien to me that I’m not sure I’m seeing anything clearly at this point. She simply stated that she didn’t love me anymore and that she wanted out; she was gone within the hour. We have had little communication since then, and most of it revolves around our children, bills, etc. She has made a few comments that make me feel as though she has some doubts, but I’m trying very hard not to read too much into anything. Time and patience, right? I don’t even know how much detail I should go into at this point…

I began what I now know as the LRT within a few days…a little of the expected neediness in the first few days, but very little. I reasoned pretty quickly that any fussing was likely to just make things worse; I was also able to identify pretty quickly that I need to work on me, be the best me I can be. Not only is it my only hope for a way to mend our R, but the only way for me to really be healthy no matter how this all comes out. I didn’t pick up DR until last weekend; I’m reading through it for the second time now. It has been very helpful and uplifting, but at this point I’m not even sure how much applies to my sitch.

I know that LRT pretty much precludes any of the other approaches at this point, other than maybe doing GAL/180’s, which I understand I need to do for myself. Most of the time, I’m not sure how to GAL. When I stay in and relax, I feel like I’m supposed to be out ‘living’; when I go out and try to ‘live’ I pretty much feel like a lonely catastrophe. Some things, like cleaning the house, journaling, and walking the dog are decent enough diversions, but a bit hollow and short lived. I enjoy activities with my kids, but they are busy (s20 in college with serious GF, and s18 AP high school student/track star) with their own lives; my mood swings are hard on them, and I’m bound and determined not to subject them to too much of me. When they need their space, I try to encourage them to just get out and do their thing.

I have truly concluded a few things: 1) I love my W, no strings, no expectations; 2) I want my wife to be happy, but it’s very hard to make the leap to being comfortable with her being happy with a whole new life (I’m trying); 3) I want for me to be the best I can, no matter what (this is really difficult too); 4) I will not give up! I find it very difficult at times to banish troubling thoughts, fears, and concerns. Any advice or methods I might use to help me in this area will be greatly appreciated.

I suppose that’s enough for now. Anyone who can suggest how I can best interact here in this community, please let me know. Confusion and uncertainty, two entities with which I’m not really familiar, seem to rule me at this point. Thanks to all.

For now, until I start to have the opportunity to interact with others here, I'm just planning to do some journaling.

Yesterday, my son had a track meet . During the meet we had a nice conversation, mostly just about stuff we might have talked about before the bomb, very friendly and 'normal'. Later during the meet, my wife left to use the restrooms at a nearby restaurant (port-a-potties were real bad). When she returned, she brought me some food. Later, she picked up food for my son, and again brought me something. Very thoughtful, and I appreciate it...but does it mean anything? I know I'm probably reading too much into it, but I don't want to miss anything that I should be noticing.

Well, thanks for reading:)

I should also mention that some of our closest friends and family are strongly advising her that she should stay away...that it will only make things easier. I understand that I can't really do anything about this...or can I? It just seems so wrong, even my kids have told her that her being around just hurts me...and it does, but not as much as being ignored. Help?

Welcome to the board

Get out and GAL.

DETACH.

Believe none of what she says and half of what she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.

She is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.

USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Francis Bacon

Keep Posting but have patience for your posts to show up

I agree with you here, i struggle with this. But have found having new interests can help. For instance I am looking at taking up a new hobby. Every time I think negative thoughts about the future or my sitch, I get online and look at the equipment I need for this new hobby or think about when to start it, where to go with it. Even if its just a few seconds distraction I find it works.

Oh by the way - Welcome! Sorry that was a little rude of me not to say that before my post!

Also, don't get stressed out about not being able to post yet, its frustrating but it is a good lesson in patience. Listen to what Cadet says above, its very important and even though i have read it a hundred times - every time somebody new comes along I still read the intro post from Cadet!

While I'm sorry you find yourself here, welcome.

You sound like you are further along than most when they start posting, so that's good!

So tell us more about your M.

What were your W's complaints?

What were the issues in your mind?

What didn't you like about your role in the M?

And from that, what do you want to work on? What are you doing to "be the best you can be?"

Thanks mrtwopointfour and Breakdown...I've been looking forward to some 'company' on here.

In response to Breakdown:



Our marriage has always been kind and loving; we shared tons of healthy, happy activities together, right up to the bomb. Of course we had our disagreements, but always seemed to work through them. Intimacy was good up to the last minute, although over last couple of years things did slow down a little bit. We’ve been very busy with college, projects, and kids, so I didn’t really see a problem…just thought that things would pick up again now that kids are moving towards independence. In retrospect, communication does seem to have been ‘thin’ at times, but like most men I got no complaints (until bomb) so I thought all was well; and we really did communicate when there was a need, or often just to be together, or so I thought. Overall, our marriage and relationship in whole seemed really darned good! Most people look up to us, and so do I.



None until the bomb. Then she said I spent too much time on the computer. I started a big freelance project last year. Been tired of it for a while, but was hoping it might lead to opportunities to improve job, in turn better life for family. Also said I play too much Playstation. She always encouraged this as it was one thing kids and I did together; she encouraged this even when I wanted a break from it…now not sure what to make of it. Said we didn’t sit together much lately, and that we didn’t even use the same blankets. I see it…the blanket thing is because we both have radically different internal thermostats. Other than that no other complaints from W. None. Zip, zilch, zero. I’m really confused here, because each of her complaints is grounded in some regular, everyday thing. Of course had I known I would have moved mountains to address her issues, and will if given the chance.



None. Honestly. We talked, we laughed, made love, went out on occasion, helped one another with things, dreamed our dreams and seemed to be chasing them…together. A few months before the bomb, I began working with a friend/coworker on my communication and social skills. He saw right away that I wanted to improve comms with W, even though there didn’t seem to be any problems. I really just wanted to be lighter and have a better sense of humor, don’t really think I’m a bad communicator.



I should have helped around the house more. Not saying I’m useless…I cooked and cleaned, took out trash, etc. Just didn’t do it on her schedule, but still contributed. No other complaints about my role in marriage or life. I would have liked a better job to better provide for my family, hence the extra work and college. Now, I’d trade all the ‘material’ stuff in the world just to have her back by my side. Wrapped up my programming project two weeks ago and very politely informed my liaison that I would not be entertaining new projects for the foreseeable future, possibly never.



Some things are so very hard to do. Right now I’m working on my fitness, losing weight, eating better, dressing better. This one’s pretty easy, and I’m doing well here. I’ve tried to put some time into a hobby (leatherworking) but every time I begin, I just sort of lose my will to work on it. Many of the leather projects I’ve started were gifts for W, now I’m not sure if I should continue them. It hurts me to see them, and giving them to her might be the wrong thing to do, even though they are really gifts from the heart, for which I expect nothing in return. I really want giving these gifts to be the right thing to do, but I guess it would be viewed as pursuing, even though I don’t intend them that way.
I’ve been trying to get out and figure out what I like to do, but the truth is, right now everything just comes back to what is missing. I go out by myself, don’t find anything to do, then feel like a failure. My kids are musicians, in a blues rock band together. For the last few years our family has spent a lot of time at their gigs, or other music oriented stuff together, very fun stuff then. Now I can barely stand to hear even a single song, so going out to anywhere with music just hurts. We hiked together quite a bit, especially during the summer. I went hiking last week, but it felt so empty. Everything right now just seems gray and empty. I’m not trying to be so negative, but it’s so hard when we had such full lives, did so many things together, and now everything I do just seems to remind me of what is missing.
I’m working on a few other things and trying to LRT. I hope that LRT is not more of the same, but I really have so little to go on. And finally, I’m trying really hard to learn some stress/anxiety relief techniques. The hurt and loneliness and confusion are pretty bad, but the stress has got to go NOW. Makes it hard to function. I could use some help here
I’m planning to go out tonight, maybe grab a slice of pizza and a beer, and just see what happens. I’m really hoping it goes better than my last several attempts.

Sorry to hear this, but you're right, it sounds pretty typical.



I'm sure she is having doubts, most WAS's do struggle with what they're doing- wondering if they're making a mistake, etc. Most of that dialog is internal though. The LBS will sometimes get a glimpse of it. You're right not to read anything into it because it doesn't mean she's thinking about coming back, just that she's struggling.



Lots and lots of it.



GAL is VERY difficult at first. You want to just curl up at home and suffer, but if you keep forcing yourself to go out then eventually you'll start enjoying yourself in spite of your sitch and you'll WANT to go out instead of forcing yourself to. Try to find activities that allow you to meet other people especially.



Read The Happiness Trap, it was very helpful to me.

Sorry you find yourself here.

Our situations sound very similar. Listen to the folks on here, even if you slide at times, it's okay, try to listen and implement what they are saying.

Don't suppress your emotions...talk to family and friends and all of us here.