Well it's off to the counselor today. H is still planning on going, but I can't say that I'm looking forward to it. H has a history of obfuscating with C's; and he can be very manipulative. I'm sure it's some protective instinct for him, but it's not helpful in a particularly hurtful kind of way.
H and I had another argument about something stupid this weekend. It was one of those where he started out not getting all the info and using an accusing tone. I took offense. He accused me of being overly sensitive. I was even more offended. He was even more manipulative. I acted like a jack@$$. It finally comes to light that the item in question had fallen off the shelf I had stored it on -- meaning I thought it was in the right place; he found it in the wrong place. He walked off to brood about it, because I was still wrong.
That made me fume even more. I'll be d@mned if I'm going to let him jump to conclusions and speak to me that way, then walk away for a good self-righteous brood until the matter is dropped without any kind of truce between us. That's the old M and I won't have it back. I went after him again. Told him he had a lot of nerve to talk to me that way; and I was so mad I didn't even want to look at him. No response, so I walked off, completely furious.
I was wondering what I was going to do, because he showed every sign of ignoring the argument until it went away. Then he walked into the kitchen and put his arms around me. I glowered and shook my fist at him. He shook his fist at me. We hugged and laughed about it. Heck, I really don't expect a resolution, but a truce is just fine.
I think my H and I may have finally found a truce sign. He shook his fist at me (while trying to supress a smile) during a spat last week, and it cracked me up. I tried it in another argument and it cracked him up. I think this is a good thing. Four years with no truces, makes one wonder how we got this far.
I had a dream last night about how much I love my H. I was faced with the question of whether or not I would take my late-H back -- apparently he would come back to life if I just wanted him. I realized that it's not so much about loving one of them more than the other. I love them both deeply for different reasons; and I kept coming back to how I wanted to be with my H. Maybe it was that dream that got me thinking I about all of the reasons I have to appreciate my H. I made sure to tell him so this morning.
Went to C. That was pretty awful. Started off all wrong. I'd given him the wrong office name and the C's name wasn't listed on the building directory. He was looking pretty ticked when I finally found him searching the building, but I think he cooled off by the time we got up to her office.
We talked about our different perceptions in an argument. We were talking about misunderstandings. His tone of voice. My supposed hypersensitivity. Of course, she recommended that we talk in terms of "I feel" kind of statements where we own our own feelings. Okay, I can do that.
Then H said he really wanted to talk about my "behavior" during arguments. By his description, I must be out of control and violent when I'm angry. He ultimately had to leave the marriage because he couldn't deal with it. He on the other hand seemed a little proud that he didn't show anger. The C kind of cornered him on his tone of voice, which she said could be patronizing and did show anger. He was very defensive about that.
I was absolutely mortified for both of us. He did most of the talking, while I wanted to crawl under the sofa. It is so humiliating to have to discuss what jerks we've been. I'll even admit to being pretty ticked that he characterized me the way that he did. There is a part of me that thinks he's being a manipulative @$$. Whatever, I was there to learn and to hear what he had to say, so I guess I got what I wished for.
There is a part of me that understands that he takes it very personally when I yell at him; and to my utter shame it must really hurt him. Likewise, I am very hurt when he walks away. Just like it hurts when he refuses to acknowledge that my feelings are hurt. C couldn't exactly get him to see that point. It's a bad cycle of me wanting some kind of a response and him becoming more unresponsive.
She wants us to talk about our arguments later, when we're both calm. This is something that has never been effective between the two of us, so we'll see.
I thought it was odd that my H's body language was so defensive at the C. He sat as far away from me as he could, his legs crossed away from me and leaning away. I'm not sure which one of us he was on guard about, but he thawed pretty quickly when we got outside.
So it wasn't a disaster, it just sucked. She wanted us to come back on Feb 14. H and I were both shaking our heads "no." Why ruin a perfectly good holiday?
Hey, all! I don't have much to say. Just posting mainly because if I don't I'll end up on page 3. H came over last night and wasn't even in the door before he asked me what was wrong. I have to say that I love this recent addition to our relationship. He notices and asks when I'm upset. So far he's got dead on accuracy, too. I didn't really want to talk about it.
Mainly, I was emotionally exhausted from the C. Also I was moping around asking myself, "How bad am I really?" Goodness gracious! It's such a hard line to walk between not letting my H define my worth and trying to listen to his concerns, especially when what he says is so harsh. So I kept going back and forth between anger ("he's a nutcase imagining things") and sadness ("I hurt someone I love). Naturally, I know these things get blown out of proportion over time. The question is "how bad am I really?" I don't know.
As far as I know no one else has ever thought I had a serious problem with anger to address, but maybe they're all scared of me. My late-H was just as passionate as me. Then there is the fact that it is just like my H to omit details in order to manipulate someone into believing I'm a monster. He was remarkably vague in describing my "behavior." BUT, I don't want to just blow this off. Ugh! As you can see I'm still bugged about it.
Well, it's election day, so I've gotta run. Y'all have a good night. --z
Thinking this morning that maybe I'm having a mild bout of depression. The last few days, all I want to do when I get home is sleep. I've left laundry in the washer overnight, forgotten to turn on the dishwasher twice and keep finding my belongings in odd places around the house. The only thing I seem to get accomplished is eating and sleeping. Obviously I won't die from this, but my mind is somewhere else, and it isn't a happy place.
Someone else in the office says she's feeling the same way. Maybe it's just this weather.
Zowie! I took some melatonin before bedtime last night, and got a great night's sleep. Just came in from shoveling snow and putting votives along the walk. I feel terrific! Still a little blue, but it's nice to have gotten some rest and exercise.
It's a beautiful winter wonderland out there. They sent us home early from work today, though I thought they were nuts to even have us come in. Oh well. I had a training class today. I'd forgotten the topic until I walked in the door. It was Effective Communication... right in line with what our C wants us to work on. And guess who was giving the presentation, my old-C. Cool.
After that, I came home and started working around the house. My house is clean, my walk is shoveled, my votives are lit, and my H is bringing over duck soup tonight. Feelin' groovy.
I could use that class! And I'm a writer! LOL....isn't it funny that the folks we want to talk to the most are the folks we have the hardest time communicating with effectively?
I had a huge breakdown last night. Middle of the night I woke up terribly sad and lonely. H found me in the kitchen crying. I talked to him a little about feeling very discouraged and lonely. Goodness knows how much sense I made, or how he took it.
We had a brief chat about our C today and about whether or not we could talk about our former spouses. We talked a little about our concerns about the C. We didn't seem to be relating with each other's concerns about her, but we didn't have much time to flesh it out either. I think we need to talk about it some more.
I called him over my lunch break today, just because I felt like hearing a friendly voice. H asked me to join him for lunch, but I declined. We chatted about Valentine's Day and the weather and television shows and dinner. He seemed very concerned about me when I got off the phone. He asked me if I'd talked about what I wanted. When I told him I had just wanted to talk to someone he was still a little unsure.
I think that H and I are the only people who really want our marriage to work. Not that everyone wants us to fail, but they don't seem to want us to take the time it will take to figure these things out. They want everything to be fixed one way or the other, right now. They want the bad guys to be bad, the good guys to be good and the marriage to over or in bliss.
Obviously I'm not going to live my life to suit other people, but it's a lonely situation to be in. I think I have cut myself off from many people, just because of their lack of understanding. I have a few family and friends (a blessedly rare few) who have flat out told me to dump my H, because he's been bad to me. (Guess I'm just perfect.) I have a few family and friends who are eager to see everything bright and sunshiney between my H and I. (Not gonna happen anytime soon.)
It seems like the only people, among my social circle, who have shown any real interest in the reconciliation process are those who have a perverse interest in getting the dirt. As a true DBer, I avoid telling anyone much of anything; which is good since I've come to suspect that some of them are feeding a smug sense of superiority with just the knowledge that my marriage isn't perfect. Grrrr...
Seems like the only person who is truly in this with me is the one person I have the hardest time talking to.
H and I had another talk last night, which was kind of nice. I pretty much told him about how I'm feeling isolated in our situation. He thought I should talk to my parents. I tried, rather ineffectively, to explain that they just wouldn't understand. He did seem to understand that he was the only one who could really get it. I'd love it if he wanted to see us as a team.
There is something that I wish my H would do when we're in therapy. I wish he'd sit closer to me and/or touch my hand (arm, shoulder) while we're there. His body language tends to be very guarded as though he's prepared to do battle with me. I've been working a little toward getting him to feel like we're on a team, trying to save our M.
I teased him last week about something that happened. I gave him a nudge in the arm with my fist and told him that he'd have to tell the C that I was abusing him again. I wasn't sure how he took that, but he's started laughing about things like that when they come up. We had a pillow fight while we were making the bed; and he said he'd tell the counselor that I was throwing things at him. He knocked a lamp off of a table in his sleep last night, I told him that I was going to tell her he was breaking the furniture. We had a little laugh about her radar pinging at such an assertion. Yup, I definately don't like that woman. I think she is doing a good job at helping us work through tough conversations, but I'm not too certain that she's the one who will see us through.
Its remarkable how you continue to persevere month after month after month..There's gotta be some kind of medal you could be awarded..because you sure deserve it..
Quote: I pretty much told him about how I'm feeling isolated in our situation. He thought I should talk to my parents. I tried, rather ineffectively, to explain that they just wouldn't understand. He did seem to understand that he was the only one who could really get it. I'd love it if he wanted to see us as a team.
Think for a minute at that quote Z. You want to be a TEAM. Well, a teammate would probably AGREE with her H and simply say.."You know H, maybe you're right, maybe I should talk with my parents about my feeling isolated in our situation, thanks for bringing that up." Thats being a teammate,thats being on the SAME PAGE as he is. Trying to convince him that HIS ADVICE wouldn't work, isn't being a TEAMMATE, it just reinforces in his mind, YET AGAIN, why he's not willing to give more than he has the last umpteen months. Whether you think talking to your parents wouldn't do any good is meaningless. Following HIS SUGGESTION is what HE WANTS TO HEAR. And you wonder why he gets in defense mode during MC..
Quote: I think she is doing a good job at helping us work tough conversations, but I'm not too certain she will be the one to see us through.
Of course she won't be, only your H will. The MC can only help bring you closer together and help see the benefits of staying Md and having a loving R. Your H will be the one to see you through, WHEN HE FEELS THE SAME WAY ABOUT THE TWO OF YOU AS YOU DO. He doesn't and thats why things have not really changed for you. He's perfectly content with just the way things are and why shouldn't he, he gets all the benefits of Zero, without really having to COMMIT to Zero the way you would expect your H to. Allthough I don't think thats right, I have to give the guy credit for being able to pull this off for as long as he has, he's getting the best of both worlds, just settling on the way things are. There is no incentive for him to take the extra step, UNTIL something makes him FEEL that he had better, if he doesn't want to lose you. That possibility of losing you is not there, so he can continue on as he has..because the two of you "have an understanding" and that understanding seems to suit him just fine.
