No, nothing going on with xSO. I feel like I am grieving the end all over again. Feeling very flat, tired. I know some of this is readjustment to life after the crazy ride I have had in the last eight months but I am finding it hard to equalize and to return to a normal pattern. Not even the weather is cooperating.
I never had much of a shot of R. And reading some of the threads of those that are getting there, I must admit my chances are even less than I thought. It appears that those who reconcile have lots of contact with each other, either living together or seeing and interacting with each other all of the time.
Logically, I know how unhealthy this brooding is but I cannot seem to stop it - I need him out of my head. So frustrating!
I never had much of a shot of R. And reading some of the threads of those that are getting there, I must admit my chances are even less than I thought. It appears that those who reconcile have lots of contact with each other, either living together or seeing and interacting with each other all of the time.
Oh Portia - I don't know about this...in my sitch, we have contact every day, but it is him, him, him, or the kids. The last time anything socially was 9 days ago during our "conversation"....so everything seems to be getting worse in my sitch, but, honestly, this is my choice too right now as my H is with OW and I would rather not be a part of any triangle. I don't know what type of interactions I should be having or creating with my H, so I just leave him alone.
Quote:
No way but through, right?
Yep!!!
BombOctober 2012- OW 11/28/12 -H still denies Separated 11/29/12 Own place 12/12/12 Confessed OW/EA/PA 2/2/13 Oct 2013 - I knew I was done Jan 2014 - Anticipating the rest of my life
No contact from xSO. I guess I really did scare him deep back in that tunnel. And of course, likely back into GF's life. Mind you, he was going in that direction anyway.
Psychologists study serial killers trying to find out why they kill. But really, they would be better off trying to figure out how someone who once professed to love you can turn on you on a dime. Not just leave you, but dump you by the side of the road.
His last words to me were that he really wanted me in his life. But yet - no contact at all.
And I am not going to contact him. I need to quit pretending we are just in a rough spot and remember the reality: he is likely gone.
Am in a bit of a mood today, angry and discouraged and frustrated that I cannot seem to kick him out of my head. And is he thinking of me at all? Doubtful.
Portia, It's normal to feel the way that you do. More than likely, his attention is elsewhere right now, i.e., work fun things, and ow, but we can't "assume" anythin w/them. He could very well be sitting in a dark corner sulking, hoping that you'll call and apologize.
Portia, he will contact you again very soon and when he does, he will act as if nothing has happened and the conversation that you had w/him will not be raised again.
Keep the focus on you and above all else, please take care of yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Sorry you are having a rough day. I get the quit pretending. I think I have been doing this too honestly, and am making an effort to except it for what it really is.
I was having a rough day yesterday for a moment. Contact with my H daily does not help. Take something away from that if you will. I get drawn back into the drama every time I see him.
AJ had wrote something on my thread that has opened my eyes a little more today. Especially about the pain our MLC'ers cause. Read it, it may help.
Portia, remember that you cannot believe what he is saying until he is out. If he wanted you in his life, he would find a way. I don't think he is ready yet, and more than likely, the time frame doesn't fit in for him to be ready either.
Keep your head up girl, it is okay for us to slip back and forth. I have accepted that I have and probably will continue. Be comfortable with who you are, how you feel, and what you are doing. Take it day by day. What does Portia have on her schedule today?
BombOctober 2012- OW 11/28/12 -H still denies Separated 11/29/12 Own place 12/12/12 Confessed OW/EA/PA 2/2/13 Oct 2013 - I knew I was done Jan 2014 - Anticipating the rest of my life
I feel for you. This is so very very hard. I liked the serial killer comparison. There may not be blood spilled but the mental shift is stunning and at the very least anti social.
There may well be a lot more "waiting" in your future Portia. How can you fill that time?
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
More than likely, his attention is elsewhere right now, i.e., work fun things, and ow, but we can't "assume" anythin w/them. He could very well be sitting in a dark corner sulking, hoping that you'll call and apologize.
Portia, he will contact you again very soon and when he does, he will act as if nothing has happened and the conversation that you had w/him will not be raised again.
Thank you Snodderly. He could very well be trying to "wait me out". But whatever the reason is, the result is the same. I have not heard from him at all. Strangely, I am of two minds right now - wanting to hear from him and not wanting to hear from him. There are times when I would like to lock him up in a cage and poke him with hot irons which would not be the mood I want to convey. IDK, maybe a small part of me fears what he has to say; if he wasn't carrying on with GF, he would not have admitted to even seeing her.
BRNR and MizJ, thank you for stopping by and for your encouraging words. I am as confused as he is right now. Always teetering on the edge of letting go but never quite managing it.
I am actually quite busy and my schedule cannot be any more full right now. Unfortunately, most of it is business and dealing with my parent's estate. However, that is almost finished and when I am through, I am hoping to have that spa day - just for me. I am taking care of myself, moreso every day. I have high hopes that the next couple of months will see life even out for me which may not sound too exciting but is exactly what I need.
In a couple of days, it will be nine months since BD. In some ways it seems like it was yesterday since nothing has changed or aparently resolved, but for the most part, this past nine months has gone incredibly quickly. And while it would be nice to see some progress - even a resumption of the friendship - at this time, I am not ready for more.
No contact from xSO at all in over two weeks with the exception of a text that I initiated.
I keep oscillating between sending a quick text and not contacting him and letting him contact me. This minute, I am thinking I do not want to contact him. Anybody think otherwise?
After two weeks, some snippets of our R conversation keep coming into my head: the I promise I will call you or text you and the we should schedule some time together to talk. As long as he thought things were going well, I was OK to contact.
I am discouraged by the fact that he has not contacted me. At the same time, the longer he does not, the more detached I become. Despite the distance, we had a full relationship once upon a time. Could it have used some work? Oh, yes. But did I deserve this reaction? No, I did not.
He did say he was sorry, but I feel that was guilt rather than true remorse which is why it felt so empty. He continued and continues to ignore me. Remorse comes with actions to try to amend the wrong.
Portia, I wouldn't contact him...he needs to feel the loss of your presence in his life.
He'll contact you when he's ready for more ego kibbles.
Please take care of yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Portia - I agree with Snodderly on this one...Hugs!
BombOctober 2012- OW 11/28/12 -H still denies Separated 11/29/12 Own place 12/12/12 Confessed OW/EA/PA 2/2/13 Oct 2013 - I knew I was done Jan 2014 - Anticipating the rest of my life
