Quote: Would the backdoor approach be literal or figurative?
I guess I left that a little too open for interpretation?! All I meant by that was, maybe approach the foreplay in a way it isn't so obvious what your intentions are, but rather in a more playful and/or relaxed manner.
Hey there. Had a busy couple of days. I had my nephews earlier this week. I played a poor substitute mother. Poor kids are probably traumatized, though I did manage to get them bathed at least once.
H has been coming over for dinner in the evenings, which has been very nice. The downside is that I don't feel comfortable just getting on with things around the house when he's here. It's like he's still a houseguest that requires my attention. I'd rather have fun with him, but I think I just need to lay down the law for both of us that it's housecleaning night.
For the record, my H and I are VERY affectionate with one another. I am probably more demonstrative than him, but he doesn't swat me away. We cuddle half the night when he spends the night. We flirt. We tease. We do all that fun stuff. I have no idea what is up with H, because he wasn't always so averse to foreplay. The last couple of years, it's as though he takes on this glum resignation as soon as it seems like we're going to have sex. Any supposition on why that is would just be playing amateur psychologist? Clearly there are other issues besides what's going on in my body and in my head, but he does not want to deal with them.
I had another strange dream last night. In it, my H and I were walking to a party with an elderly couple we know. The man, CB, died recently. We gradually began walking different paces. First, CB's widow began walking ahead of us. H and I were trying to catch up, but she just kept getting further in the distance. Then we realized that CB had fallen behind, and we'd lost him altogether. My H decided to try to go on ahead to catch up with CB's widow, but I couldn't catch up with him. Then a hail storm hit, and I had to divert into a tunnell. When I finally came back out to the street, we were all hopelessly separated. I hope that wasn't some kind of a omen dream.
Why does relative normalcy feel so wierd? I suppose it could be because my H is practically living at my house, telling me he loves me, thinking of me as his wife and it's really not enough. I'm ready to hear what he has to say, but we still have communication problems. I'm working on my end of that, though he doesn't want to acknowledge it.
According to him, everytime he says something I twist it into something negative and make assumptions. I can see occassions where I have done that, just like I can see occassions where he has said some blatantly insensitive things with no other objective than to get me to admit me to see how flawed I am. I've been working on the assumptions, and he, intelligently, is "a little" more careful about what he says. I tried teasing him this weekend, by pretending to misunderstand something that was very clear. I made it clear that I was kidding, but he nearly hit the roof. Guess my effort hasn't made much of an impression on him. Apparently this is still a very sore subject for him.
Meanwhile, there is a whole world of dangerous topics we haven't gone near, and we need to if we're going to get any further in this. I personally think having a counselor at this point might take some of the pressure off by involving a third party who isn't hearing everything through our filters, so I'm thinking about asking him again to go to counseling with me. I'm trying to work out a decent approach. Last I heard, he said there wasn't any point. Whatever!
H mentioned a few things this weekend that concern me. Same old song stuff from him, but I still hate the tune. He's doesn't know if he'll ever be happy. Doesn't know what love is. Doesn't know what happiness is. Wants to get in shape again, but knows he'll end up hurting himself and having to stop again. Wants to work on his certifications, but IMHO is procrastinating still. He went to see his therapist last week. They talked about current events in the news, as usual. When he told me that, I said, "Glad you didn't discuss anything important." He glowered. I have no idea how to handle someone who won't take one bit of responsibility for his own happiness and sees no hope. I want to kick him in the b###, but what's the point when he's such an expert at doing it himself. I'm worried about him. He doesn't want to talk about it. Go figure.
LOL, that sounds so familiar. W is great as long as we talk about the kids, or her day. She gets mad or shuts down when I disagree, try to ask a question about what's next, or worse, suggest that I'm not real thrilled with the way everything is going...or not going as it were.
At least at a MC, I felt like I could say something and somebody would listen.
Hey kids! Well, interestingly Monday night H called as I was walking out of the office. The first thing he said is "What's for dinner?" I had nothing planned, since I thought it was going to be just me. He said he'd left some of my fantastic chili at the house, instead of taking it to his place, in anticipation of coming over. Ok. So he drove through a snowstorm to have dinner with me. Yesterday, he sent me an e-mail. He'd set out pork for dinner. So I guess he comes over on Tuesday now. This doesn't bother me, in fact I think it's great that he feels comfortable enough with the R to plan on having dinner with me. Having dinner with my H is very important to me.
On the other hand, I'm a little worried. My H has always had a bad habit of not telling me what was going on until he was ready to do it. For my part, I always left my schedule open in anticipation of such a thing. This was a bad practice for both of us, and I don't want to get in the habit of waiting on his whims again.
He has a key. He can come and go as he pleases (and often does). Heck, as far as I'm concerned, it's his home, but apparently he doesn't feel the same way. I keep meaning to tell him I'm cleaning house or I have plans, but I say "Sure come on over." BTW I would say that to anyone who called me with spontaneous plans to get together, especially when I only have non-time sensitive chores on the agenda for the night. Unfortunately, that means whatever chore I had scheduled, gets put off to another night, during which my H will probably come over. [smacks head!] This must be some form of dating transitional stage.
So last night I decided to start edging back into taking care of things while he is there. I made dinner. I watched the first half hour of a movie with him. I washed the dishes. We watched more of the movie. I made some tarts. (He came to check on what I was doing. He wanted me to come back to the movie with him until he saw I was making dessert.) After I put the tarts in the oven, I watched the movie with him for a while longer. After dessert, I mopped the kitchen. Then I watched more of the movie. When the movie was over, I grabbed my book, asked him to turn the volume down a little and went to bed. I pretty much managed to do everything I had wanted to get done. I hope he wasn't offended (as though he would tell me), but it's my attempt to spend time with him and take care of myself.
I had two more "end of the world" dreams last night. Noticed that my H hasn't been in a single one of them. Hmmm...
All I meant by that was, maybe approach the foreplay in a way it isn't so obvious what your intentions are, but rather in a more playful and/or relaxed manner.
It would be great to see you again.