Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Possible MLC - Opinions Please

That is probably a good way to look at it...for example, my W always liked that I showed concern for her...during the worst part of alien vemon spew mode, she absolutely hated it when I asked if she slept well, "how ya doing", etc., she said I sounded like a parent and she didn't need a parent...lol...do you know someone who has raised rebellious teenagers? Our oldest had gone through that phase right before W slid into mlc, and the mindset, behavior, etc is eerily similar. Read around here, you will see the similarities across sitches...then find some parents with teenagers and let them tell all about it, then it becomes more tolerable...your mileage may vary...

Ok so i have been reading through the posts above. Seems like something I am still struggling with is detachment. I think this is evident right now as W is irritable and reading into every expression and comment I make. To the point she is recognising my emotions more than I am. This is dangerous as it seems to be confirming her desire to hate me or be apart from me. I need to detach, stop doing things for her that she is more than capable of doing and most of all detach so that I have not emotions towards her mood and comments - I have to do this quickly before I push her too far away.

Also how does this work now. I posted here as I thought my W is in MLC but also I am posting on the newcomers. I don't want to cause confusion: do I post only about dealing with MLC here and use other forum for everyday journey?

Something else I should have added to the list. Before BD and for last 2 years W has been obsessed with social networking, a particular site with little blue bird, has quite a following, this is what has led to meeting OM. my guess is W was pursued after they became close friends. I think the online world has causd issues of feeling unfulfilled and needing to get a new life. I guess everybody has a better life online - you don't get to see warts n all!

If it were me I would pick one or the other and post everything on one thread, trying to stay as chronological as possible.

If you want to go back and re-read your own story it is a lot easier that way.

If I think I am stuck sometimes I will go back and read my own thread and if it is all over the place then it is much harder to do that.

Like my story as a for instance, which for certain reasons is not all on one board.

Then again certain forums have gone out of business during my time frame
and I have lost what I posted too.

Hmm ok. I guess I need to work out which forum is going to be most beneficial for me and my sitch. I don't think I really have a good grasp on DB, I understand what to do, just struggling applying it and customising to my M and R issues.

mrtwopointfour, I feel like you have a camera on in my house and have documented my last three weeks (weight loss, social media, possible OM, "I hate everything here and need to get away", etc.! I will post my sitch and definitely need help as well.

It has been a while since I posted here, we were a long-time SSM, but things had improved in that over the past few years (My HD decreased and she became a bit less LD), and on March 24th, just before bed I heard "We need to talk" and my world came apart.

Sorry you are here too brother.

Sorry to hear that. Post away it would be good to hear whatever you want to share. The more I think about it the more I believe it's MLCfor my W but I know that does not change what I need to do for myself. It's the 'epiphany' bit that gets to me. One week we are all fine and we are investing in future family purchases, having family holidays, romantic meals out, talking about growing old together - all that stuff. The next W returns from w/e away with a friend and is an alien. It's like a switch had been flicked. W says she had a breakdown. I believe this, just don't believe the reasons she has, that have convinced her why this has happened. It's much deeper than she can see at the moment, but the reasons she has laid claims to on the surface, appear to be driving the 'I hate my life as it is, must get a new one, I have never loved you, why did I marry you, you have done so many things wrong, I can never have feelings for you again, I'm in love with an OM etc etc!'

It's like you want to shake them out of it. Not advisable i am very sure

One thing I would like to know more about is whether a W going through MLC is supposed to become more and more stubborn and certain about D? I was under the impression that MLC was them stuck in the fog. But my W seems to be clearing the fog and is more certain than ever that we are D, and is so arrogant about the way she talks about us never being together its very upsetting. She is also becoming increasingly rude and cruel about everything.

One thing I should have mentioned is that my W is on antidepressants. Around the time of BD, is the exact same time these would have taken effect. She claims that since BD she has never been happier or more certain of it being the right decision. Is this just bad timing for me? Of course she is happier! The drugs have just kicked in!!!!! The thing that troubles me is she is probably telling all her friends, and family that she is the happiest she has been in years, well of course their reaction to that will be that she seems happier so must be doing the right thing.

I also broke 2 of the 37 rules in the same hour tonight - I could see W physically pulling away.

Sorry your here 2.4. I believe your w is relying on her feelings prior to taking the AD. If she isn't aware of what's causing the depression, and the mlcer isn't, they believe the spouse is the cause. So, now they take the AD and the baseline they work off of is that spouse is my problem.

As far as her pushing for D. Do the best job you can of dbing and let her do the work if she wants the D.

One might think that MLC, by nature, is chaotic. Especially since some, if not many or most, things about a MLCer and their behaviour is so strange, erratic, and even opposite of how they were before.

A couple things to consider, here. MLCers are apt to be quite... forgetful... They may say they want a D one moment and then seem to forget about it another.

While some of that is truly forgotten, it can also be because they truly do not know what they want.

That said, an MLCer may keep saying they want a D, yet never follow through. Again, there are a number of reasons why this may happen.

Regardless of reasons... this can go on... an MLC can go on... for many, many years. Their "patterns" will eventually show up and change over long periods of time. Patience truly is a virtue when it comes to MLC.

Sometimes the "fog" of MLC appears to clear and they speak and act concisely. It may not mean they are coming out of it. These "clear" moments happen over the course of the MLC. Sometimes good... often... not so much.

One thing to be very clear of, as the LBS of a MLCer, is that everything that is wrong with the MLCers life... now... and for their entire lifetime, is someone else's "fault". The LBS tends to be a target of ALL the blame. For this reason, emotional detachment is also very, very important.

Be careful, though. Some of their complaints may very well be valid. Check the complaints and see if they are something about yourself that you may want to work on, in you.

Also, the LBS of an MLCer may put rational logic... cause and effect... into the equation. What the LBS does not realize is, the toast the LBS burnt is NOT the reason the MLCer is mad at the LBS. It could be because the MLCer was chastised at work last week and that is being projected into the burnt toast drama.

No matter what, work on yourself. If your W is MLC, you need to stabalize yourself and be a great father, become a better man, do what you can to keep the road smooth (that means do not enter into arguments; listen and validate her feeligns), and GAL.