Kittie, I have always considered learning patience to be God's personal self-improvement project for me. What I lack in patience I have made up for in determination. Head down, one foot in front of the other. I try not to pay attention to how far I've gotten or how far I have to go.
MAL, No one keeps JS in line. He just humors us as he ignores everything sensible we have to say. Now we'll see if he even reads my thread. ;
KAW, The garbage includes misconceptions and assumptions that are hard to put aside. Then there's old wounds that just aren't healed yet. Letting go of the garbage is one of those head down, feet forward kind of things. I just have to stop myself sometimes and do a reality check. Ever Vigilant!
On the matter of independence. My H and I both have a tendency to put other things ahead of the R and never really developed what I call "couple think." Then there's the whole issue of control and criticism. I think he's controlling and critical. He thinks I'm controlling and hypersensitive. Despite our impasse on this subject, I think we're both handling these issues incrementally better lately. Occassionally he suggests that I do something instead of insisting he do it himself. Occassionally I let him do things for me. Occasssionally he drops the subject midway through a criticque. Occassionally, I give him the benefit of the doubt that he's not really meaning what he says in a nasty way. Sporadic baby steps.
As for sex, yes, occassionally we have sex, but it's pretty miserable for both of us. I don't have orgasms during sex anymore, which really bugs my H. Partly this is related to a health problem that causes vaginal dryness. I'm still exploring whether or not there is a psych problem associated too. Partly it is related to the fact that H has given up on foreplay along with any other form of affection and he looks extremely bored and disappointed the whole time. I have no idea about his health or his state of mind; and he does not want to discuss this issue outside of what pertains to my health. I'm going to C and to the doctor about my problems. Maybe one day we'll be able to talk about it.
Hope that clarifies a little more what's going on.
Jackie, Thanks for the welcome. I'll try to get around and read some threads soon.
Z, I guess I'm behind on what has been happening with you...
I didn't realize sex was still not going well. It would be so much better if you could talk about it. I know there are the medical reasons, but some of it is probably mental as well.
Have you tried to initiate foreplay with him? I mean make it a little fun for the both of you?
Me 47 Ex H 46 Bomb 9/02 D final 3/04 Ex H now married to OW
------------ This is surviving. There is no such thing as a normal life, there's just life. So get on with it and enjoy it!
Quote: Have you tried to initiate foreplay with him? I mean make it a little fun for the both of you?
Yup! I've tried all kinds of things. Usually he has no reciprocating response, he rarely has any enthusiasm or passion, but he always winds up looking like he's bored.
I do not understand it and he won't talk to me, so I'm just focusing on my own issues. The sad thing is that I've regained some of my sex drive, but I'm beginning to think there's no use in having one. Call me overly sensitive, but it hurts my feelings. --z
Glad to see you made it over to piecing. I think that some of the issues you face in terms of communication, assumptions and even sex might be things that others are seeing in their own sitches too.
One way or another you are among folks here that went through the split and then came back together (or are in the process of doing that). Certainly their insights will help you avoid the pitfalls that will make go "2 steps forward, 2 steps back".
Hang in there z. You are way ahead of a lot of folks here and, unlike many, you still have a real connection you can work on. That's a definite positive. Remember that!
Hacker, My sentiments exactly. Thanks for stopping in. You were in a dream I had last night. We were trapped in a house after some kind of an earthquake or rockslide. There were a whole bunch of other people there whom I didn't know. I knew they were your family, because we were in Canada and they were all speaking French. The dream house was yours, and it was really cool.
I found a way out of the house. We discovered that the world hadn't ended, which really bummed me out, because it meant I had to go home. BTW, does Canada have any deserts? Cause this house was in a desert. LOL!
Debi, Thanks for stopping by.
No real news here. H and I talked briefly about the boards last night. He implied that it was Jerry Springer-like. I told him that none of us would be here if our lives were normal, and it makes me feel useful. We also talked about getting in shape. He was asking me if I'd given up yoga. I practically have since I'm having a hard time getting back into the swing of things after the holidays. I won't be giving it up though. I've also got some financial considerations at this point. I think I'm going to reduce the number of classes and do more on my own. The risk there is that it's not as much fun to do it on my own. H doesn't want to do it with me, just says that he "can't." I turned the tables a little and asked him about his getting in shape. He's got a cycle of starting to work out, talking about eating right and never quite getting the whole thing off the ground before he hurts himself and stops working out. He seemed discouraged talking about it. Too bad.
My C gave me several homework assignments last week. Get an internist. Exercise. Eat right. Sleep. Read a pamphlet on grieving. Time to get cracking. I've got my water all measured out and sitting on my desk. Yoga is tonight one way or the other. I'm also going to make my favorite lentil salad. I could live off of this stuff and it's good for me. Guess I'd better start researching the doctor. TTFN! --z
The boards are certainly not like Jerry Springer - they are real life, real emotions. They could be considered real-life soap operas though. Just tell him it's like a support group, which is exactly what it IS.
I'm grateful for it.
As far as sex - most of the problems come from the mind, but if there are physical problems, the doctor could help. So perhaps could a bottle of K-Y warming (which sounds great, I've never tried it). Plus - I am not really sure how you do have sex without foreplay. I mean, there are occasions where one is just ready from the word "go", but most women need to be warmed up. Sex isn't just intercourse and orgasms, but the whole experience. And it can take a woman a while to get ready (I don't usually take long, and I still do need at least some foreplay). Foreplay can just be sitting and kissing for an hour. Whatever is going to get you ready - and your H needs to learn to do * whatever it takes * for you.
If he does that for you, it will be a better experience for him.
There are also mechanical ways of doing things (from the toy store, if you know what I mean). I know it isn't the same, and I don't really do that - but maybe it will help you get in the mood. I don't know.
Quote: BTW, does Canada have any deserts? Cause this house was in a desert.
The only deserts in Canada are white and usually appear for a couple of months at the beginning of each year....and it's not hot during those times either.
The dream house is just a matter of time. It will come.
Quote: The garbage includes misconceptions and assumptions that are hard to put aside. Then there's old wounds that just aren't healed yet. Letting go of the garbage is one of those head down, feet forward kind of things. I just have to stop myself sometimes and do a reality check. Ever Vigilant!
Be ever vigilant not to act impulsively when it comes to misconceptions and assumptions. Force that pause that will allow the benefit of doubt to creep in.
Quote: Then there's the whole issue of control and criticism. I think he's controlling and critical. He thinks I'm controlling and hypersensitive. Despite our impasse on this subject, I think we're both handling these issues incrementally better lately.
Certainly does sound like a scenario where you have to choose your "battles" wisely and for the rest respond by acting "as-if" with "... whatever way you decide is best to handle it, I'm OK with."
Sounds like there isn't quite a level of comfortablity around sex for either of you at the moment. Do you do a lot of cuddling or snuggling? Raise the level of emotional intimacy and for the times that may stir up things inside, maybe a little gyro motion can raise the level of interest ... or what about taking showers together? ... make them playful ...
Personally, , one that works well for me is to shave my W's legs.
Explore different tacts to take ... trial and error ... kinda like foreplay in disguise or a backdoor approach might make it more comfortable ... whether they lead to sex or not, you should still gain a stonger bond that brings you closer together on a emotional level and given time as that grows it will help towards making the physical better too.
--z 
, one that works well for me is to shave my W's legs.