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AnotherStander thanks for letting me know you have lived past these thoughts and feelings.
If I am at the barn riding my horse I am almost alright because I have to concentrate on what I am doing so I don't get bucked off. Right now at work I am sitting here almost unable to move or breathe I feel so weak. It is really difficult for me to imagine anyone else feeling this horrible, or having someone whom you trusted with your life just walk away. I feel like I am drowning. I have been working on myself since H dropped the bomb - I joined the gym, lost 25 lbs (in the last month so back to my "fighting weight"), got my nails done (first time since my wedding 15 years ago), made some close girlfriends (had become practically a hermit in the last 10 yrs), went back to riding my horse (stopped doing that after I had should surgery last year) - but here I am at work sobbing and feeling so hopeless. You would think I would feel better - I look better than I have in years. A lot of men have noticed me, which helps for about 2 min - but then I just want my H back.
Do 180s work on MLC Husbands? It took every ounce of my being to text back to my H (after he left at the house for me a credit card in his name for me to use for groceries & gas) "Thank you so much for your kindness, hope u are doing great!". I just wanted to text "I love you please come home" - but he moved out early when I said I love u please don't leave and when I cried hysterically. H said he didn't have to watch "that". I am so confused.
Does anyone have any hopeful or encouraging advice for any of this or similar experiences? I am sure something is wrong with me -I don't have any kids so I just want to end it all but I don't know who would look after my horse & I am afraid he would fall into the wrong hands(he is very expensive to maintain). Please help. I think something is seriously wrong with me, although I do feel a little better right now after writing this and that someone out there (AnotherStander) took time out of their life and their pain to comfort me.

Do not text him or pursue him, that is not going to work.

I just posted a success story on the MLC board, the very top thread pinned to the top of the board.

Maybe reading some of those might give you comfort.

You are still very early on here and right now you need to take care of YOU first!

As far as what works.
It all takes TIME and there is no shortcuts or magic buttons that will help.

His crisis can send you into your own crisis, and the only person that can help you is YOU!

YOU CAN DO THIS!

Thanks Cadet! I am going to read the success story on the MLC board right now. You are the best!

What should I do with all of my WAH's clothes hanging in the closet? I think he comes & takes some every once in a while when I am not home. It is depressing seeing them hanging there but I don't know if taking them down & boxing them up is the best DB thing to do for myself or him.
I have not made any initial contact w WAH - just reply to his texts & will add in any "Can I write a check in X amount for this" as an aside instead of texting out of the blue. I need to straighten out my finances but My mind is swirling so much I just vacuumed the house for the first time last night since he left.

I had a horrible night & am having a horrible day. I can barely function. I feel like things are much worse because I haven't seen or heard from my WAH for 2 days but it feels like years. I don't know what to do. It seems like I am so alone. My family lives in Maryland & I am alone on Long Island. I am really losing any hope that this pain will ever go away. It seems like my MLC H has vanished off the face of the earth. It feels like he is loving not being with me & I am so sick with this pain.

Sorry your here, Rider. You're never alone here. We all share similar stories and we know the pain you're going through (hoo-boy, do we know...).

My best advice to you is, well, to keep doing what you're already doing. I.e. Work on yourself and find what it is that you need to make you happy again. Act as if you are ready to move on, with or without H, and try not to talk too much about or show H the hurt and sadness you are feeling. It's natural to feel that way but it is very unattractive to the WAS (have you read DR?). Begging and pleading and saying I love you only make the WAS more aware of the fact that they don't feel that way about you. Consider, if you will, a drug addict or alcoholic. Has any addict ever really turned their lives around by being reminded constantly of the mistakes they've made? Not really. So what does it take? It takes somebody being strong and saying, I'm not going to sit here and let you hurt me by your actions. They need to hit rock bottom and the only way they can ever do that is if you take away the safety net. And what is the safety net we provide? A safe "fallback" place. They think, it doesn't matter what I do, what risks I take, because if it doesn't go the way I want, S will always be there to tend to my wounds. Right? So deny them that safe place. Make it clear (through your actions: going out, being mysterious, not being awake when they get home, not calling/emailing/texting) that you are moving on and so your H will be responsible for the consequences of his own actions. Go dark. It's a real eye-opener to the WAS and it's better for you because you're not letting H's actions dictate your own emotional well being.

Above all: be patient. More patient than you ever thought you could be. Otherwise you just make yourself crazy and that's no good for anybody.

I believe in you. Ponygirls are tough chicks so I know you can do this!

Hope you have a better day.

You really opened my eyes Papa4life! I read DB but I don't remember anything about the safety net. It makes so much sense & in a strange way makes me understand distancing so much more. I am so grateful for your kind and supportive words along with great understanding and advice. You have awakened a rally in me! Maybe I can live thru this and even come out a stronger person even if my WAH never comes back. I never knew such kindness as I have found here on this board.

You won't find that in DB because it's all mine, baby! Arrived at through long and intense soul searching for the past couple months But seriously, I made just about every newbie mistake you can possibly make. Most of that was because I did what, well, just about everybody who is having trouble does when people on this board tell them that what they're doing isn't going to work: I told myself, "they just don't understand my sitch, and just because it works for them, doesn't mean it's going to work for me." It's just not so. They know EXACTLY what's going on. It's just that what they're telling you is SO counterintuitive to what your gut is telling you, which of course is "FIGHT!!!" No. If you follow an alcoholic around the house telling him how much he's hurting you, what's he gonna do? He's gonna head straight for that darn door (pardon my use of such childish words, in real life I swear like a drunken sailor but on my gold-star behavior here on the boards, lol)...where was I? Ah yes, they're going to head straight for the door and, guess what? They'll probably drink even harder because you reminded them of what a...screwup they are. So take ALL of the pressure off. They need to hit rock bottom and they can't do that if they know that a) you will always be there with that safety net or b) if they have your pursuing or nagging to hold onto as a useful scapegoat for their unhappiness.


We help by helping. Just as how you learn by teaching, you share your experiences, we offer advice, you implement the advice and then pass on your findings to other poor souls who are going through a similar experience. We are all going through emotionally trying times, every one of us -- this is like a meeting place for the walking dead, lol. But you can count on me to listen and not judge, and I can emulate my heroes, the vets on this board, and maybe we can all get through this with a modicum of dignity intact.

You CAN live through this, you WILL live through this, and it WILL make you a stronger person. Just promise me that you will make an honest effort to focus on yourself and your own needs and your own happiness and NOT with the intention of winning H back? It might even help (as painful as it is) to accept now that H is gone. At least in your mind! It makes it so much easier to detach and get on with the honest work on finding yourself again. Once you stop being needy, clinging, reasoning, nagging, pleading safety net it'll give H the space to consider what he's missing. Put any pressure on him at all -- and I'm talking the weight ofma feather -- will be too much. Back off and focus on you.

Practice patience and believe that you are strong enough, because none of us believes it at first, but the realization dawns on us sooner or later. Might as well face it now and save yourself this frustration!

Same for me, except my horses are steel



I went through it too. Then came the anxiety attacks. That was horrible! Because of the anxiety I couldn't even sit still. It was that whole "fight or flight" thing. I had months of super low productivity. It was very difficult to function.



Yes, everything you thought you knew about your life gets turned upside down and dumped out on the ground. It's very difficult to come to grips with. But you will! It takes a lot of time, but you will feel normal again I promise. This you right now is not the real you, it's a temporary you that's happened because of your circumstances. You will find the real you again.



That's perfectly fine, the GAL activities don't fix you overnight, that too takes time. Just stick with it! I had to drag myself out of the house kicking and screaming. Every fiber of my being said "don't do this, go back in the house and curl up in the corner feeling sorry for yourself." But I kept getting out, and slowly started enjoying life again. It happens a little at a time, so be patient and keep doing what you're doing. And by all means cry, try to do it in private but don't hold it back, let it out.



Not yet, it takes awhile, and everyone's pace is different.



It's not confusing because that is not what he wants right now, so when you say you want something different (IE, he wants to go, you want him to stay) then it puts pressure on him and drives him away. Stop all pressure! Give him time and space.



We've all felt that way. It's a very painful, ugly place to be. Be patient with your H and with yourself.



If this feeling doesn't pass soon or you start making a plan for ending things then get to a doctor ASAP. Many of us had to go on anti-depressants to get through the worst of it. I was on them about 3 months (weaned off of them a couple of months ago). You are very important, you don't feel like it right now but you are. We care about you. We want you to feel better. Take care of yourself!

You are so inspirational Papa4Life!
I can't tell you how helpful - lifesaving - you have been to put this is a different perspective. You hit the nail on the head when you said the walking dead because I am surprised that anyone else feels that way. I am really starting to understand that this DBing is more than just trying to repair a crushed dream, but the only way for me to save myself. I wish I were as knowledgeable as you are, you really have this intellectualized.
I texted my WAH about his daughters cell phone renewal which is on my plan, and somehow the topic of him leaving came up and he texted "You were the one that wanted me to leave two weeks before I left" which is so so far from the truth. I texted back "Don't u remember me humiliating myself begging u to stay when u were dragging the table out of the lounge?" and he texted back "After I already rented a house. It doesn't matter Just let me know what needs to be fixed (at the house) and I will take care of it".
I texted "Maybe we should meet up in some restaurant or something every week or so to go over stuff instead of waiting until I am overwhelmed. I have done my best not to bother u at all - I don't even remember where u live"
He texted back "I told you if you needed something to let me know. I did not tell you to leave me alone, that is what you did"

Isn't that extremely strange when all he kept saying before he bailed was he just wanted to be alone?

I am going to read that last post over and over and over, and not respond to that last text.

Maybe I can hang on for now and eventually crawl out of this hole without going down the drain because of Heaven Sent people like you and others on this board.