Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Need info on WAH's access to home

After my crying sobbing meltdown yesterday when WAH said he was only moving a couple of things to the new house he rented, he didn't come home last night (He said he wasn't moving out until next month). He texted me about 5 min before he got here to say he was coming to get more stuff. I heard my dogs barking because he was trying to get in the locked door (he has no deadbolt keys).
I was still in bed (early AM).
I went dark last night after I saw the reaction my meltdown caused. How should I handle his access to randomly coming & going? I have no clue. Please help.

It is your choice how to handle this, of course.

You could go the "tough love" route and prevent him from access to the house / yard without permission by you.

You could also just let him have free access.

The question is, what do YOU want?

If you have not picked up the book "Divorce Remedy" and read it, please do so as soon as possible. We use that as our frame of reference, here. It is almost like a workbook, if you will. The support you get her will often reference the book.

You will be on moderation which means that your posts will need to be reviewed and approved before they show up. Using this site to journal and ask questions in a series of posts will help get you off moderation, fairly quickly.

Looking at your info, your H's surgery could be a trigger to a situation where your H might be feeling he needs to get out and experience the world.

Can you let us know what you think led your H's decision to move out? Did you give you any reasons?

I have read The Divorce Remedy which led me to this amazing website. H said he was not happy but said he still loved me September. I had gained weight & stopped riding my horse when I had open shoulder surgery last spring & was afraid for people to see me, so I became a recluse except for going to work. H had trouble with ED & I thought it was because I gained 25 lb, so We stopped anything but a quick kiss last fall. He always said he "didn't care" if I went to social events with him, but he seemed increasingly irritated with that last fall but I felt too fat to go with him.
I started going to WW around the time H had open heart surgery (Dec) & lost weight & started going to social events with him after his surgery in Jan. He still seemed unhappy. Said he needed to find a new hobby since he still can't golf bc surgery.
Things still weren't right so I scheduled a marriage counseling appt in march. We went & H announced there the ILYBINILWU Bomb. He told me later the counseler "made him" tell me. The counseler told H he had to get ready to move out & I had to get ready for him to leave. I was suicidal for a couple of weeks & stayed in bed sobbing. H comforted me but said it was not fair to me to stay. When he looks at me he feels nothing. Then he started getting angry at me and saying he didn't have to watch me & pretty much abandoned ship, except he is still paying all the bills he paid before. He said things will remain the same for the next 2 - 3 months financially except he won't be home. I am so confused.

Should I take down all wedding photos in our house? I only want WAH to come back - whether or not I let him have full access to our house doesn't matter to me as long as whatever I do is a DB step. I think this may be a MLC. He is buying a boat and the place he rented is on the water.

Should I date other men as a GAL? Don't know if WAH seeing another car in driveway will be good or bad DB.

Thank you so much for replying to my post Carpe Diem. I have tried to give more info in my recent posts. This board is the only thing that has given me hope to go on. There is so much great info on here. You are so so thoughtful to take the time to help me.

Hi Tonka, I was just checking on you and noticed that you had another topic that you first posted, here:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...864#Post2338864

I put the link only to keep your info togther.

I also notice that your profile is showing 6 posts and only two are currently showing (the one above as well as the one on the other topic).

Be patient and keep posting to journal, your submissions are currently on moderation and may take a while to be approved and show up. Also, though, be sure that what your posting is in keeping with the terms of service of this site. It could lead to your posts not being approved and showing up.

I have no idea if that is the case, I'm just indicating to you and other new members why not all of their moderated submission are showing.

Look forward to hearing how things are going, with you.

Ah, a number of your posts have shown up, now.

It is possible your H is MLC. Generally speaking, we offer the same support and advice. There is some differences to how one might approach their efforts. Of course the biggest one is, the positive changes we make in ourselves can have a direct impact on a WAS. Whereas with MLC, it is a process of which you may hear, "the only way past it, is through it".

Regarding the pictures, if you want them up, leave them up. You are still M to the guy and even if you take them down, it does not erase him from your life. He is part of your history. Basically, if they do not hurt you being up, then leave them up.

As far as dating other men? That is really not recommended while you remain M. Even if you decide to move on, it is recommended to D first. The reason being, it's not fair to yourself nor your dates. If you are not D, you are possibly not firm in your ability to commit to a new R.

Now, if you want to go out socially, by all means do so. Again though, just remember that as you are out enjoying your time with other people, anything could happen.

Posted this on your other thread

Yes there is always HOPE as long as you keep that within you.

He will try to destroy your HOPE but the best advice I can give you is to take any LOVE you have for him and put it in a strong box and then put the box up on a high shelf in the back of the closet.

Then you will be able to take the box out and dust it off and open it up down the road.

This is a long road and nothing good is going to happen right now.

Learn to DETACH.

You are going to be alright.

Also you asked about dating.

I would not advise it until you are done with your marriage and truly healed.

It is not a trick to win him back.
Most second marriage fail at an even greater rate than first ones.

So please proceed with caution.