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tonite i'm thinking we have a big ole glass of some pink wine with crushed strawberries in it (or raspberries okay) and chocolate on the side. sorry, but just has to be some lovely - really good milk chocolate. (well, and maybe a peep or two chaser)

ta da! recipe for peace on earth

xxo -

peace in dawnland

During a late night talk, H confessed to me that many men (at a young age, living in poverty) told him sex is empowering and what makes a man's spirit come alive, and that can only be achieved by conquering many women. He rejected that idea until he was hugely disappointed when he found his GF in bed w/OM. He was 22 at the time and was so devastated he quite college, left the church, and lost his virginity to a prostitute.

He spent month’s w/prostitutes, cruising for the ones that looked like ex-GF, I’m not a guy, and I can’t say what that is…other than pure anger. After some time he met a nice girl and she help him get himself together, stop drinking and go back to church. But, he confessed that he never gave his heart in full, and after 3yrs w/her she knew.

At 29 he met me, we M, and his life was full. At the onset of MLC his brain revisited the idea of ''empowering sex'' upon life’s disappointments with confidence that this is what he would need to do to rebuild himself, hence the A. At the time of the A (2011, 5 months) he was convinced he was young, strong, and invincible again. When I found out he was deflated and faced with his guilt, the rules of M, and my devastation.

In retrospect he sees his A as running away from all that suxs in life to MLC land. He asked for a D at that time not because of me, but to be free to sex-it-up and find his spirit as he was taught. He has not had a PA since then, but says his anger and continued MLC brain sometimes wants to chuck it all and f*** everyone thinking it would bring him forward.

When he said that I said maybe we both could really use a separation in our M. He said no, he said though he is not giving me any L, or respect, he is not leaving me either, and asked if I could live w/his cold heart. ???

What about what I want, need for myself? Sweep me off my feet H, he said he “could” give me some attention, and even sex, but don’t expect that he will be passionate because that’s gone in him.

I almost think that he feels a sort of protection by living at home, like he’s not so free to make the wrong choice. Plus, I wonder if he believes anything he’s saying, or needs to find anything possible to heal himself from his pain. He said he has guilt, and he does have compassion (though he would love to deny it in himself) for my feelings, and says it does him no good!

I mostly listened, but boy what a ride this could have been, I didn't react! Is this really bizarre spew?

I did say half jokingly who turned you into Casanova, he said nobody, but there is always a piece of trash willing, I'm not talking beautiful women, that's why it would be crazy to loose my family over, but when my mind is gone, I don't care.

I stood my boundaries, stayed 180, and remained detached from him and his conversation.

I so very much hear you on this Dawn.

My H doesn't understand why I can't be "ok" with the way things are - because he says he's "ok".

Good for you, keeping 180 and detached. That's one crazy moment down and only several billion to go ...

Looking at the beginning I see that I stayed because I needed the time to get myself in order. H has made no change in almost a yr, and I see I know longer say I L him.

There is a good lesson here...I'm still going to take more time to learn from it!

I see now why D can/should be an option! My not-H drove over a city median dntown last night distroying the drivers side tires, rims, and who knows what else. He's fine but I had to be his call to rescue, insurance, tow, and more communication w/him than I am comfortable w.

That part wasn't too bad, though I'd rather not, but this morning he's spewing his justification as to why this just "brings him out" and flares his evil anger I don't care, I poured a cup of coffee and went to my room where he followed to explain to me that he's going to take this as an evil trying to get him, so bring it on!

He will go through different phases of how his mind is going to handle this, but there is no immediate ability to accept sitches like an adult. Now he's spewing that I let my s21 drive away without a verbal blessing, he's showing his fear and feeling of vulnerability.

I'm not strong enough to take much more, I'm feeling a little exhausted, and deflated. His anger is so intense and just being in the house w/him I can feel the air very thick, though he is now back to his video game. I'm not free to go out yet, I'm waiting for the insurance, plus hell its cold and we are in for a severe thunderstorm so where am I going!

I am thankful for the distance I have created I'm not getting sucked in here. Even last night after I did all the ness. Insurance stuff he saw that I was not treating him as my L, but as a buss. partner. He politely said thank you!

It is taking a toll on me, but I cannot let him see that, I hope my mask holds up!

hiya dawn -



you know- me too exactly- i looked around the FL house - at allllllll my stuff - and the thought of moving it all in the blink of an eye made me just sick. all i could think of is ,"i can't" - i can't face it. true (icky but true) just sooo completely blind-sided by what i found out about who this man REALLY was/is - COULDN'T function. then.

he has stopped the rabid picking and criticizing, etc.- life is calm and he is pleasant - BUT i don't see (ncecssarily) love and affection which is exactly what i need to make my life what i'd like it to be. having had that with him- i don't think I necessarily want a r with him on a merely "friends" basis. i don't see him as a friend because i wouldn't ever have a friend that lied to me - alot - and about important stuff. sorry to say- i'd cut them rite out of the equation in life. AND - if they actually hurt me this much for their own purposes- that is even worse. what "friend" would ever do it.??? I'M JUST SAYIN...

so- back to the problem of viewing him as "sick"& NUTS temporarily - or "giant rat". sadly - i lean more toward latter. still have one shred of open mind here tho- compliments of mwd's books - & spiel - & db philosophy.

and i still find myself hating (hating) to say it out loud - that (possibly) i do not love this guy or care about him anymore - at all - i feel badly to say that sometimes my hand actually twitches with desire to pick up the phone- and say i'm done- go have whatever it is you think is a better life and leave me out of it.

i kind of view him as a person i cared about that is dying of something really fatal (and i know and he doesn't)- and i'm watching him go and unable to help it or stop it. just watch as he slowly produces feelings in me that may be irreversable- and he's totally unaware of the reality of the sitch.

of course- there is always the possibility that he knows exactly what he's doing- but somehow i don't think so. he's so immersed in him-land- he can't see the forest for the trees.

i guess this all falls under the heading of your prior comments about stepping back being all you can do. this morning while talking to him- his voice all contained and all about him- i found myself thinking why do i bother at all?

well- I did pick up the phone because he'd left a phone message last nite about a letter i'd gotten from the irs - and of course, da da dummmmm..... i feared the worst.

SO- why would you think he never ever asks me what is up or who or where? if i say i have an engagement, or appointment - or was out late . just nothing. (and this is a guy who grills me and everyone about EVERYTHING - the minutest detail of conversations, etc.) BUT when it comes to me and my "life" - nothing. i view it as hates me and does not care one shred what the heck i do , who with or where... can there be any other possibility than that??? i 'm truly curious. just indifference about me & my life. (so- i am crap in his life)

so why call at all - why talk at all- i am not seeing anypurpose in it all hardly any more.

seems to me part of my problem is that when i'm back, and stepping back- he can't even see it- i do wonder if he can read it in my voice- words or over the phone. seems like i'd be giving a pretty dense jerk alot of credit if i were to assume he does or can. i'm all having a life with no witness - well, not the schmo that needs to know it. YA THINK IT DRIZZLES INTO HIS CONSCIOUSNESS SOMEHOW that i'm missing?

oh well- . SOOOO TELL ME DAWN. what are you going to learn from what lesson. i'm a bit dense this a.m.- i can't see what you're saying exactly. you no longer L him- yet you stay- me too - so wtf?

need to weed - and tons to do as usual-

xxoo

hey - OH MY GOSH- just read about your nite last nite- thick air- need to escape.

i'm tellING YOU - JUST BUNDLE YOUR BUTT UP- GRAB AN UMBRELLA OR WHATEVER YOU NEED AND GO STOMP AROUND THE NEIGHBORHOOD AND GET THE EXERCISE AND BURN IT OFF. I'VE HEADED OUT ON SOOOO MANY WALKS TO JUST GET GONE- GET LOOSE - work out some hostility- anger- disguest, etc.


if you read this- just do it. you'll feel better - if NOTHING ELSE AT ALL - it's good for you and your health. the good news- something for dawn that is very darn good. and hopefully lessen stress & pressure one bit- also good for your health- head, heart, etc.

xxoo hang on

I don't like the idea of throwing myself outside into the cold rain. He's the on in mlc!

Ok, so I'm in my room, I'm tired, I'm crying...H walks in, says I hope that's not about me, says I'm going to take a nap.

Immediately walks in the living room were I went to sit and says, ''I think I'm giving you the punishment of all the other people, like my mom, Idk!''

What does that mean, advise please, not a great day, I'm really hitting a wall with this loneliness. Sad rainy cold spring day...my birthday is in May, and it's already getting to me that I will be alone. Not only alone but turning 46yrs, and an h'less wife.

HuH?