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I am paralyzed by grief.

Gratitude Exercise for you BF.


Write down 10 things you are grateful for.

Read them, think about them, feel them.

((BF))

BF,


I find that when I am really struggling, it helps to let go of everything (literally) because it overwhelms me to think about all the things I have on my plate all at once and I just concentrate on what is in front of me.

You have this short weekend getaway coming up... Perhaps take this time to not worry about anything. Forget the messy house, forget about not having a plan, forget about not working out - just for the weekend. You can tackle "your life" one thing at a time when you get back.

Right now you just want to get out of this funk. So focus all your energy and time to just being present with your kids. Remember - this weekend will never come back - enjoy every moment with them, create great memories that both you and them can cherish forever. Concentrate on listening to them, talking to them, laughing with them.

And yes, the gratitude list helps tons. Do it as soon as you wake up, before getting out of bed to get you started on a positive note. Do a second one before you go to sleep at night - recapping all the things you are grateful for that you had just that day.

Hang in there. You know you are riding a bad low on the roller coaster and that it will pass. You just need to get yourself out of there.

((((((BF)))))))

BF, tell me one think you're grateful for right now today, other than your kids because I already know you love them tremendously and they do you too.

Today I woke up tired.. But grateful I was able to sleep. I only woke up once.

At work today... And being here.. I'm reminded that at the time of BD.. my cancer scare also came back negative. All these moments where I feel I can not take another breath... They become overshadowed when I remember how it felt thinking I might not be around to watch the kids grow up..

I've been thinking a lot about my life.. And i feel that this life.. The way things are.. It is not the life I am meant to lead. I have always felt that there was something.. Deeper.. More meaningful.. And I just haven't been able to see it yet.

In my early 20's I thought I was meant for a life of missionary work. But marriage.. Kids.. The puzzles weren't quite fitting together. So now I sit here and wonder..

I started a new book. "Broken heart on hold". It's provided some comfort because the emotions she describes are exactly how I feel.

I'm lost.. I'm broken.. But i will not allow it to define my worth.

How was your weekend?

Barely floating, I am sending you my prayers for strength.

I know how hard this is. Watching daddy break your kids heart. Trust me I know. Breath deeply.

Be grateful your kids are healthy and safe and you get to share their love and laughter every day.

Your h is a fool for giving up so much love.

Your post and energy have always inspired me. Please know 18 months is not a long time to get over this. It's nothing. Allow your self to feel the pain. This hurts, don't gloss over it.

Do you do anything therapeutic for yourself, counseling or 12 steps, a regular planned time weekly where you take care of you?

I love you.

This ain't easy and one day your kids will know how strong you were for them. They probably already do.

I wish i could offer some advice but im so new to this, but just want to offer some hugs. I feel for you and your kiddos.

thanks bklyn.. your words mean a lot to me. you and i have been on a similar timeline and it definitely isn't easy with the young kids. but we just keep going..

labug.. i had a good weekend. i only allowed myself to be teary once. and seeing my kids happy was extremely therapeutic for me.

the kids have not seen or heard from H since thursday. it's been a really long while since he's been away from them that long and usually he'll txt to see how everything is going. but.. we heard nothing.

there were moments i was tempted to send him a photo or txt him about the funny things the kids were up to but, i decided not to. i thought it would be better to just leave him be.

this evening, i received not 1 but 3 messages. first telling me he just got reception back and was heading home and did i need him to pick up anything. my immediate thought.. where the heck did you go? but i refrained from asking or even answering that msg. second msg... hope everything is ok. assumed i didn't need him to pick up anything. i still did not answer thinking, this is not life or death. plus i'm busy trying to get the kids all ready for bed. 3 msg.. he wasn't sure if i wasn't speaking to him or whether i was just busy.. could i please let him know where the kids are because he really missed them and wanted to see them. kids were staying at my mom's because i'm working early tomorrow.. H had agreed last week to pick S up from there to take him to school tomorrow. he knows the routine.

so i finally answered saying i was busy. and kids were tucked in at my mom's (even though he should have been fully aware of all this).

i don't get it. if you miss them so much.. why don't you call? why don't you come back earlier to see them not wait until late in the evening when they're already settled for the night. why come here? he has his own place. i get that it's not set up yet but, given the fact that he can't seem to get away from me fast enough.. wouldn't he prefer to stay there?

and here is my judgmental side coming in which i'm trying to let go of.. you've just rented your own space after 18 months.. shouldn't you spend the weekend setting it up so that the kids can come stay there with you asap? why would you go out of town right away? he basically came here to shower and sleep for a bit before heading to work.

H also txted me once he was at work saying he saw briefly saw some of the photos from the weekend and wondered why D looked sad in some of them. told me he missed them so much. now.. in order to see the photos, he would have had to go looking for the folder on the computer.

i'm taking the advice i've read on other people's threads.. going to stop telling him when the kids have meltdowns about missing daddy. they will eventually let him know. and i will continue to just create memories and spending time with the kiddies.

aside from the emotional ride i've been going through.. i'm just physically exhausted. i need a vacation where i can just sleep. maybe in a hammock.. with a warm breeze..

i only allowed myself to be teary once.

It seems this has merit for you, if so, why?

You're holding back Lake Mead and have been since you started on this journey. Emotions aren't good or bad they just are. The thought of feeling them can be scary but as we do it little be little it becomes less so and our lives become more peaceful.

Try it, just a little.

About him, he's living his life. Let him. Dig into that anger for a while, figure out what you're really feeling and deal with that.

You are worth this, busting. (((( ))))