Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers NILWY - There is this "chemistry" b/w us

Like KD said, that's just an issue of you being on moderation. Approval takes a while and once your posts get approved they're unfortunately already older, so when they get posted your thread doesn't bump up to the top. I try to find threads like yours and post to them so it bumps them up higher. Once you're off moderation it'll bump to the top whenever you post.



Click on "switch to full reply screen", then you'll have additional options. One is a quotation button, if you highlight the text and click that button it will bracket the selected text as a quote.



The stance the author takes is that a lack of arguments is a sign that there is poor communication. Like I said, my W and I very rarely fought. I also learned far too late that our communication was dreadful. I spent decades thinking I knew how she felt about things (because she never told me) only to find out at RetroV that I was completely wrong. When I think back to my relationships with the best communication, there were always firey fights that went along with them! So maybe he's onto something there.



You do need to be patient, but don't sit around waiting. Get out. Get a life for yourself. Work on your PMA (positive mental attitude). Detach from your H and give him time and space.



Michele talks about this in DR. Friends and family think that it's best for you to just abandon the M and move on. They want you to quit hurting, and they mistakenly think that is the quickest path to healing. It's not.

Since this all happened I have been very mindful not to say anything that could be seen as being critical of H. I have also lost 20kilos (44pound) and feel so mush better about my body. My weight loss has been for me, but H has definitely noticed. I have always been active and have exercised regularly, I just ate to much..

I have also taken the 5LL test s u suggested KD. My top 2 were Touch and Quality Time. I did H's test to how I thought he would answer. It came up with his top 2 as equal Affirmation and Touch.

I thought about those findings and realize that I need more quality time and intimacy with H and he needed more intimacy and needed to hear more positive talk from me?? I have always thought positive of H, he's a wonderful man, maybe he needed to hear more from me. I know that OW was always "floating" his boat.. I would hear her say how wonderful he is ect ect.... used to annoy me hearing that from her. This created the uncomfortable feeling I had about their friendship!!

Thanks so much for your input KD and AS I will get to you post ASAP!! Thankyou both..

I am still having trouble quoting!!

I have just looked at my post and it has not came out the way it was supposed to!!...
I tried to quote and have got my reply post mixed up in it. Hope it makes sence...

You will get the hang of quoting, soon enough.

Now, just like DBing, the LL tools are not a precise science. It can give insight and help understand who we can work on getting better at certain things.

If you are correct about your H having one of his major LLs as Words of Affirmation, then not only would your lack of positive affirmation be troublesome for him, but your criticizing / complaining (if he saw your feedback that way) could have been additionally harmful. Add to that the OW (or others) are giving him those words of affirmation and he'd certainly be drawn to it / her.

That does not mean that you should not have helped him understand that keeping himself presentable was important. It is just good to know how it could have affected him. Using LL to fill a partner's "love bucket" is as much about making more "deposits" than "withdrawals".

Right now, it is probably a really good idea to focus on yourself. What are some things that you would like to make better, about yourself? I know you've been working on dropping weight. Are you working out or getting in walks or other exercise? Also, do you notice that you have a tendency to want to help people too much, offering feedback and advice when they don't ask for it? If so, you could work on that, as well. These would be 180s. Anything else?

Also, GAL. Get into your hobbies or get hobbies. Get yourself out if you can, to do things that interest you. You are going to need to work yourself back up the emotional ladder and GAL is a great way to help you become more confident and positive about yourself and life, again.

What are some GAL activities you could do, or do more of?

As you work on yourself and become a better person than you already are, your life will get so much better, even if your M is not saved. It will go a long way to helping you in the future, what ever relationships you have.

Thanks AS for giving me some pointers on quoting and I am looking forward to coming off moderation!!

I still don't understand why a lack of fighting or arguing is a sign of lack of communication in an R. I know it can clear the "air" and shake the "poop" from the sheets as my dad used to say!

But in all honesty we would sit and "talk" about what was bothering us. At best we would have a heated discussion that lasted a couple of minutes.

I grew up listening to drunken yelling, arguing and verbal abuse. When people argue they can say things that are hurtful and that that they didn't really mean but once said it's not forgotten. I don't see it as being helpful at all.... Although I know It's not good to let things build up without saying something!!

I'm finding it a struggle to detach completely from H at the moment as I move out in 2 weeks and I just want us to enjoy each others company while I'm still here at home. Don't get me wrong I'm doing my best to act "as if". When I move out I plan on going "dark" and hope that this will cause him to think more about life with out me. I would like some advice as to how "dark" I should go??.. Any ideas??

And "AS" your so right about friends and family, they mean well and they just don't want me not to hurt anymore... They just don't really understand what I'm doing. I'm now also reading The Divorce Remedy and finding it help full..

Thanks again

H and I had a nasty argument last night!!... Both said things that we shouldn't of.

Yesterday he went down to Melbourne to speak to his father and his older sister and tell them about the OW. I spoke to his sister after he had left and she had told him exactly what he had told me. That It's nothing that I had done and that he loves the OW...

She said I need to move on and forget about him as he is done with our R. H's older brother rang me as well and told me that H apparently is planning to bring OW down the following week end to meet this family!... They are all very shocked, his father is disappointed and disgusted. Does H and OW think that they will welcome her with open arms??... I already know that this is not the case. They're not interested and are quite taken back that H and OW would even be doing that!!

Finding this out had made me angry, so when he finally got home I verbally had somethings to say, so did he... I went over some old demons. I abused him, cried, It wasn't pretty.

He said that he doesn't care if his family don't accept OW. They have their life, he has his.

In the end he stormed off to bed, a few minutes later H came out and said " For what it's worth, over the last three months there have been times that I wish I could have turned back the clock but I can't, I'm in to deep,I've made a commitment to her".

I stupidly said it's still not to late, why can't we give it a try??? H just said I can't....

It's now 9.30 in the am, H got up to go to the toilet and asked how I was as he walked by, I said ok.. he then went back to bed.

I truly feel numb, reality is starting to take it's hold because this is real. I don't know how to feel anymore..... the hope I have is only hanging in there by a thread, and even then that thread is frayed..

I have been pretty calm over the last 3 mths. The last real blow up that I had was when h told me about the A. I suppose this had been brewing for a while..

I feel crappy this morning about last night and I know H will too, we have never spoken to each other like that before...

A couple of hours after my last post H got up, I said to him "We both said some things last night that we shouldn't of said. I know I need to move on but it's not easy as I have had no choice in this and I know you understand what that's like" And H said "yes I do understand".....

Before I meet H his ex/W had left him 6 months prior for OM... So I'm guessing when H said he understands..he does.

I went out for lunch with a friend form work... H was still in his pajamas on the couch when I got home. He hadn't had a shower, didn't leave the house. We were pleasant to each other although both quite.... He's gone to bed early 8.30!!

I feel better than I did this am, I now truly realize that I need to move on, move into the unit and look after me. And in the process hang on to that little bit of hope in my heart...

Kim, are you aware of the affects and symptoms of growing up in the care of alcoholics? Please do some research on ACOA (Adult Children of Alcoholics). It could go a long way to helping you understand how you deal with things as an adult and also perhaps help you get a clear idea on some things that you may want to work on.

Having said the above, do understand that I have no idea what the effects may have been, for you. I can tell you that for myself, I had already understood and had been working on a lot of things in my own life, having been raised by two alcoholics, before I found out about ACOA. For me, it was a really great resource to let me know "why" and how it all tied together.

The effects certainly were not the reason my M broke down, but I did see how some ways that I behaved, prior and during the break down, were playing out.

Which definitely leads me to point to your questioning about arguments and how to deal with disagreements. You could very well be doing well in regards to that. Yet in the same token, perhaps you are reacting during disagreements and how you deal with them. Not just in your M, but in any R.

As far as going dark, it really depends on you.

Do understand, that dark... IS FOR YOU... It can help you detach. There are other possible effects of going dark, in relation to your H. Some might be positive, others negative. Just know that there will be effects.

As soon as you feel you are detached enough as an effect of being dark, will be when you decide how you will become less dark, with him.

You have had over 8 years of relationship with SD19. How was your R with her and how does it appear, now?

The argument that you had with H is unfortunate. Certainly a back slide. Just take care of yourself at this time and move forward (instead of on) from how things are, now.

The in-laws may not like the OW. Then again, only they will decide how to deal with her and your H. Understand that "moving on" is different than "moving forward", in many ways.

Thanks again KD!!..

I will look into ACOA!!

To get back to answering some of your past questions..

With my weight I have been following the Dukan Diet and it has worked well for me!.. I only have 4 kilos (?8 pound)to go and I will be at goal weight.. I've done this for me, my weight has never been an issue for H, but it has for me. I also do bike classes and take part in a "bootcamp" exercise program. I always have been active and enjoy the buzz I get from a good workout!! Since H and I have been together H has become involved in exercise too! And he enjoys it. H was a couch potato when I met him.

And your right.. I do have a tendency to want to help people, It's something that's engrained in me!!.. At the age of 13 I was responsible for looking after my 2 younger brothers whilst my dad worked shift work. I would cook, clean, do the housework washing, ironing ect.. I'm also a nurse so taking car of people is what i do, and also being a remedial massage therapist I "fix" people!!.. It's who I am, and I know It's not always a good thing, I tend to put myself 2nd.

I know I am going to have to be careful with how far I take the "going dark" with H... As I know that he could take it that I just don't ever want to hear from him again, as you say, just enough to detach...

My SD and I have never had any problems. SD said I will always be her Step mum and nothing will change that... she is very angry with her father and doesn't really want to have anything to do with him at the moment. I have said to her no matter what he is you dad. She doesn't want a bar of the OW, neither do H's step daughters!... (one is 30,the other is 27) They are in the same mind set..

I like the term you used "moving forward" instead of "moving on". That sits better with me, moving on to me gives the impression of giving up or throwing away our R. So yes I'm working on moving forward!!...

H goes down again to Melbourne tomorrow, and he's not taking OW. His sister said that it's not appropriate for her to be there. His father is very upset about it all. I'm going down next Tuesday to see him and a couple of his siblings. It's H's birthday tomorrow, I've brought him a funny card an have not written "love from M" ... Just made it light.. as I'm supposed to do.

H and I shared a bottle of red wine and were just enjoying each others company tonight which was nice... I noticed he was back and forth a lot to his room, more than usual. He keeps his phone there and OW texts him, as I said he seemed to be in and out a lot tonight. I noticed his mood changed, I couldn't help but say in passing that he'll wear the floor out!! Not long after that he said he was gong to bed, I just said good night, sleep well...

I have probably felt the best I have in the last couple of days as I think I'm realizing that I need to make myself happy and that I will be OK, I can't change whats happening but I can be his friend and well we'll see what happens?? The roller coaster is finally starting to slow down a little... And I can see a little light at the end of the tunnel!..

That above, could possibly point to current behaviours, the result of having alcoholic parent(s). That does not mean you do not enjoy helping people and something you would otherwise do, just that as you said... you have a tendency to put yourself second. Everyone else' happiness and comfort is more important than your own or spoken in a way that may ring more true for you, their happiness and comfort, at your expense.

Great job on working on your weight goal!

It sounds like your H has quite a blended family. His own step children, plus his D19. Are you his third W?

Just keep working on yourself, your GAL, your PMA. Keep the road home paved and smooth, which will go a long way towards helping with R, if the M is saved. Also, keep your R with the in-laws outside of your H. While you may get dragged into comm with in-laws regarding H, try to refrain from offering or initiating. As with him, listen and validate and then move on to a different topic. Their R with him is strictly that and it is not your job to influence or sway or otherwise interfere with their opinion or R with him.