Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Suckerpunch down to the wire

You are absolutely right. However, the living situation is what is making this more difficult for me than it should be. For instance, yesteray we had a pancake breakfast feed for a select group of our regular customers, about 50 people. They were invited to stay for the weekend at no charge. During the first 30 minutes of the breakfast, no less than 5 people came up to me to say how sorry they were about the divorce. Some of these peolpe I barely know. Apparently, Wife was busy the day before wandering around the property sharing our situation. Word travels fast around campfires! I really don't wish to have condolences from people who are barely aquintances of mine...customers actually. I don't like to answer the questions about why she is still here, where she will be going, etc....It is just not something I wish to discusss with people. I know how to handle it with proper ettiquette, but it is just the idea that it is going to perpetuate itself until this is all over. It wno't be over until W goes away!

I also have to see her whenever I would like to spend time at my business. It is not that I don't like looking at W, but to be honest, when I am working and trying to be confident in myself I don't like looking at my STBXW hanging around! She is just too much of an integral part of my daily life. It is like a constant reminder, a slap in the face, that she decided to leave me....but she never leaves. She is just here, living her life and making herself right at home. Well, this isn't her home anymore. She chose not to be part of it, so why doesn't she just go away and live her life! Well, part of that reason is she didn't think through all of the consequences of her decision. She left out the big part; not having the financial ability to move on. That is rough. I really feel bad for her, but I feel worse for myself and that is more important for my own well being. She has put me in the position of creating a new life and a new reality. She needs to do the same!

For about the last 7 days I have tried to basically ignore the existence of W, with the exception of replying to her questions or phone calls briefly. It does make my daily life a little easier, but it isn't really changing the dynamic. It is too much for me anymore. I am tired of the damage it is doing to my daughter. I am tired of W not following through with her decision to move on. I am just TIRED.

I feel for ya. The only reason my W is still here is because she can't afford to leave. But, she starts a new job on the first and she will be gone. I figure that I have 6 weeks at the most. My feelings run between hurt and anger by the hour. This all $ucks, I am with ya.

So sorry to hear you're struggling this much! I've got to say though, it sounds like you could use a heavy dose of detachment. If you're detached, things your wife says or does won't impact your emotions. Being around her won't affect you like this. The very fact that she's having such a huge impact on you makes me think that if and when she does leave, you're going to crash hard. I'm sure you've seen this blurb from Peanut on detachment, but it's worth reading again:

"Detachment is critical to the process of altering and repairing a relationship.

Attached, we take personally all that is said, not said, done and not done.

Our ego gets wounded and we are more inclined to those actions that will undermine our very best chances of accomplishing our goals.

We cannot control the actions of another. We are, however, responsible for our own actions. We are responsible for our own happiness.

If we are detached from the actions of another, we can meet anger or indifference with love. Met with love we are in a position to diffuse the situation and transform it in a way that will be in alignment with our goals.

On the flipside, detachment allows us to play it cool when we do get a positive reaction from our spouse. It is a way to break the distance/pursuer cycle.

Detachment is not withdrawal. It is not the mind saying, ‘I am not getting what I want so I must pull back.’

It is the natural acceptance that I am alone responsible for how I act. I cannot control another person, but I can control how I respond to them."

To be honest, I "think" I am fairly well detached emotionally. What wife says or does in her own life doesn't affect me much. What does affect me is the role it plays on everyone else. Listening to my daughter complain because W broke a promise. Watching D struggle in school, listening to friends and aquintences express their concerns for her actions. Seeing her stupid face every time I turn around, knowing that she has no plan to move off my property or stop socializing AT my business. yesterday, I was at a BBQ with friends and family. W sent text messages to several of the people attending, letting them know she would have to delete them from her facebook until this "situation" between her and I is finalized. Now, I don't really care about that, but I do care that it affects everyone around me and then of course it affects me as well.....those are the things that bother me most, the "Bu11shit" I guess.

She wanted so badly to be finished with me, to "move on" with her life....but instead she sits here in limbo blaming everyone else and holding no accountability. She wants to date. She wants to build her own life. She wants a house. She wants away from me and my family...but here she sits. That does erk me and I don't think that is something I can actually detach from. I just want her OUT of my life....pretty much the same way she felt when she dropped the Bomb on me 6mo. ago. I just want her to go away.

You are hurt and angry, you aren't detached.

Every item on your list is something she's doing to which you're reacting. I get it, it's hard not to but it's doable. First you have to see it and accept it.

The reality is, your business is also her home. Your customers and associates have also been her customers and associates.

Tell your friends and acquaintances that if they have concerns about W, they should talk to her. If they start a conversation about her, stop it, you can do that.

When you customers express concern, thank them for their concern and move on. This is something people will do no matter where your W lives or who she talks to; it's a part of the deal.

About the text messages, poor timing on her part but I doubt that it really "affected" anyone but you. And even if it did, it's not your problem.

She'll move on soon enough.

But if you want to look at this in a very different way, she's giving you and opportunity to work on something that will improve your R for the rest of your life.

As Cadet tells us when we first come here, she's giving you the gift of time.

Hmmmm....I am not sure I completely see it that way, La. These things do affect me, regardless of whether I want them to or not. For instance, the text messages immediately put a change in tone at this BBQ. I tried to make light of it and not get too involved in the conversation, but friends and family were clearly upset about it. They weren't exactly concerned about the impending divorce as much as they were hurt by Wifes actions towards them. Now, I could have chose to completely ignore the fact it happened, but that would not change other peoples feelings, nor would it have changed the awkwardness at the BBQ...Plus, I don't wish to detach from these other people so when W affects them emotionally, it is going to affect my emotions as well.

I already have some customers that say they are considering not coming to stay anymore because they feel awkward with W being there. That is also something I cannot change, regardless of how detached I am from W. That DOES affect me, whether I choose to allow it to or not.

You could be right however, LA. Maybe I do need to detach from W even more. I will try.

A horrible crossroads is going to happen tomorrow afternoon. I have a date set with my attorney to get the ball rolling. I cannot chose to ignore the fact that W has mentioned on several occasions that she wishes to move back to Canada and keep our D there during her time. I simply will not willingly allow that to happen. Therefore, my Attorney feels it is time to file and get things locked up legally.

I contacted Canadian Immigrations, and they verified that W would be allowed to move back into Canada along with D. That scares me. Do I think this is going to happen? If that question was asked 7mo. ago I would say no way in the world. Today my answer is a little less firm. I do not know what W is capable of anymore.

Now, wife has been adiment that she wishes to divorce. She asked that I agree to a settlement and have the papers filed before the end of the month. She wishes to move on. So, I am not exactly convinced she is allowing me the gift of time. She honestly and truly seems done. I have no hope that she is going to change her direction at this point. So, filing is probably the best thing I can do for her, as well as myself. I don't see any other way of handling it. She is just determined to divorce and move on. She doesn't seem to be questioning her decision at all anymore.

SP, when I read your response I thought this EXACT same thing, but I was hoping someone else would say it first so that you wouldn't think I was being biased towards my earlier post. I really don't think you are even remotely detached. You're taking everything your W says and does personally, and that is the opposite of detachment. You resent the fact that she is still living there and that is the opposite of detachment. If you were well and truly detached, you wouldn't care whether she lived there or not. You wouldn't care whether she talked to others or not. You might feel bad for her that she was hurting so much, but you wouldn't hold it against her like you are clearly doing. There's a lot of anger and resentment in your posts and I think you're ignoring it or putting a different name on it.



Who says you need to ignore it? Just tell them you're sorry your W upset them, but she is going through a lot right now and she is in pain. Tell them that she will heal and you're sure all will be well between her and them again, they just need to have a little patience with her.



Sounds like this is much ado about nothing since she's going to be gone soon anyway.

I don't believe for a minute someone would refuse to return because of your wife.

That's insane. And I don't even think YOU believe it down deep...come on.

She left you. Okay...so why would these folks give a rat's butt if they like CAMPING at your family's place?

As others said, though, she'll be gone soon enough.

You worry that she's there, and now you worry that she's leaving. You forget quickly how you got here. You complain, now, about the future...30 years from now and that even if you reconciled, YOU could never be sure of her.

What about HER TRUST issues? How or why would she believe taking you back would result in better treatment?

What if she had another child with you and became even more financially dependent on you, only to have you begin your negative vortex on her again, and bring her self esteem down again?

What about how hurt she was for so long?

you're both wounded people, but if there is a "victim" here, I'm not so sure it's you. I do know you both love your d, and I hope you'll stop assuming you love your d more, b/c you were willing to treat your wife badly for a long time and she left you.

SP

we all take the risk of rejection with love. Even with commitment.

We are not entitled to mistreat our spouses because they took a vow to stay with us. We are not allowed to assume they'll always stay because....because....

because we SAY we would...

All very good points. Thank you both for giving me some more needed perspective. I guess I really do need to work on my detachment even more. I honestly thought I was getting there, perhaps not. Just the thought of going to this lawyer tomorrow has me deeply upset. I hate the situation that I am in.

In regards to the customers, it is as I said it. Now, for general customers, you would both be ABSOLUTELY right. However, the customers in question we both socialize with. One of the couples are actual relatives. All of them feel awkward regarding my wife, their words. They feel she has made many poor choices, continues to make poor choices and has isolated them. BUT, she also wanders into their campsites to "socialize" when they are here. I know how I would handle that situation, but these people feel they would rather ignore it or simply not come. I completely understand that. The last thing I would want on my holiday get away would be drama. I would also choose to keep my distance...For what it's worth, there is some insight.

If she wanders into their campsite to visit then she hasn't isolated them. But, that's between your W and them.

Separate business life from personal life as much as possible. That's up to you. Refuse to talk about your D with people who have no stake in it.

People love to gossip and sometimes to be a part of the drama. Recognize that and don't play into it. Practice a line, like "Thanks but that's between W and I."



Think about this. If you are so attached emotionally to customers that their emotions affect yours, it could explain a lot of your anger and anxiety. I think 25 said ^ that you take everything personally and I see that, too. Do you feel that others have expectations of you that you can't meet? What happens in your head when you make a mistake?