Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Suckerpunch down to the wire

I guess I really need to look at this a different way.

I see the points everyone is making, and I do believe that a lot of my opinion is based on hurt and fear.

I need to really think this through. I do consider her gone, of course. She is making more and more public spectacle about our impending divorce. She even anounced how excited she was to have someone taking her to Las Vegas, and that she is looking forward to starting her new life.....that is pretty definitive to me, regardless of it being typical WAW script.

why does HER behavior, or words to that effect,

change yours? Why are you connecting them?

Why can't you just make the changes you want,


b/c they're the right things to do?

I wish I knew.

let me rephrase...

"just make the changes you want,


b/c they're the right things to do..."
_________________________

How SHE is doing in her life is NOT an "index" for your happiness. SO if she's happy, that does not remove from your life one ounce of joy.

If she gets cancer, does that even things out for you? I know you don't wish that on her, but this subsconcious need of some

to have things "even out" when what they really mean is "the other person has to be as miserable as me OR it's not fair"...

is not healthy. It's a crazy way to live and a set up for failure. It's also a life view of scarcity for happiness. Like the pot of joy is only so big,

and if she has a cup, then you'll get less. That's NOT how life works. And it should not be.

You are both "allowed" to move on and be happy OR miserable...as YOU choose.

Stop measuring. And don't hold anything against her, like moving on and adapting.

She has spent years adapting. I cannot imagine my "home" being my h's family business. What type of emotional buy in

or commitment would I feel? A lot less I"m afraid.

Its NOT a home you built together as you once said. If it were, then you'd have to change your financial analysis so now it's all about the family business.

So is it that big of a surprise to walk away from a "Home" she did not own a part of, in your eyes?...

Just food for thought. I meant it when I said I would not mix those two again, however.

At least run it by folks who have had it blow up in their faces.

H and I, and my oldest brother bought a house back home, for our widowed mother. We shared in the down payment but brother also lived there.

Then he "ran out of money" and we paid for everything./ That's fine with brother b/c he says "when we sell, he'll pay us back the extra we put in"..

except we PUT A LOT extra in and we're short of cash since H was deployed (his deployment cost us 6 figures and we used our savings to keep the house we are in).

So we're getting screwed but hey, it's my mom...and she now lives with a sister (a saint) b/c she has some dementia so we're renting the house out, at a loss.

OUR loss...

my point is, I'd probably do business again with a sister, OR with a very clearly spelled out WRITTEN agreement that is enforceable and clear.

But I'd advise against it unless there is a compelling reason for it (like a widow mother and no one else having capital for a down payment)....

You know, This may very well be something I am holding on to. I actually feel that if she is happy, then I have lost some sort of battle. Maybe it's pride? Perhaps I don't think she can do better than me? Regardless, it is something I never gave much thought to, but I am totally doing!



This is something I really need to concentrate on. I have to let go of that perspective.

Since almost day one of our relationship, this has been something W has struggled with. She never felt like an equal. She always felt like she played second fiddle to the business. She felt she had to sacrifice time with me for the benefit of the business. Now, while some of that holds merrit, some of it is rather sensationalized. However, I am learning more and more every day that one persons reality, maybe not be the same as someone elses and this is something W and I see differently.

Point well taken. thanks again, 25!

Wifed called lastnight ranting and raving, once again. She is apparently upset that I am still speaking with "her friends"....even though the frend in question I have known for 22 years. I was the one that introduced them. Regardless, W it seems is building even more steam. She demanded that I come to some agreement for settlement by the end of the month. She said she wanted to be out of my life as quickly as possible.....I replied by saying I simply could not do this any longer and wished to let her go to...it's far too gone

Another interesting thing she mentioned was that I had not changed enough for her during all of this. Plus, she says she despises the idea of being affectionate with me and knows in her heart that will never come back.....bummer. How was I even supposed to reply to that?

You don't respond to it. Responding to it will only give it power and energy it does not need. What was that Sandy rule? Oh yeah... "Believe nothing they say and half of what they do?". While her words were, IMO, mean spirited, they should not deter your goals you have set for yourself.

So your W is acting happy? Is she really or is she faking it? You don't know. So ignore it. Her putting on a brave face has nothing to do with your own progress.

I didn't really respond to it. However, I can't stop the feeling of wanting to push her away now. It just upsets me so much to have contact with her and to have her continually reassure me that it is over. It is just too much for me emotionally.

I beleive she is no where near as happy as she portrays. However, I do think she is happier not being around me. It is clear that our interactions just make her more and more commited that she is making the right decision, and perhaps she is....as much as I hate to admit it. She seems very upset about losing time with our D and friends, and not even remotely upset about missing me. She also misses having a nice home. Is she happy, I don't think so.

I am going to stay my course. I will continue to work on bettering myself. I truly want to be the best man I can be, for myself and for my Daughter.

Lastnight, I invited over a bunch of friends for a kids movie night. The kids enjoyed "The great mouse detective, while the adults visited and had some drinks in the kitchen. It was an enjoyable night with hardly any talk of W or our impending divorce. I need more of that and less of my pity party and constant break down of emotions with W....I think I just need to distance myself from her completely.

remember

it's NOT about whether SHE is happy, miserable, happier, more miserable, or feeling just okay...

your life is your job. What are you doing to make yourself a better man, a happier man?

No more tying her happiness/misery (OR YOUR BELIEFS ABOUT IT)

to yours...

Don't spend energy thinking about it and when it enters your mind, turn your focus on what YOUR plan is for YOU that day.

If she's happier without you around her

then either she means she's happier without the OLD YOU around her, b/c she does not know the new real you -

or you have not shown her the improvements and maybe haven't made them as deeply or thoroughly as you hoped/wanted.

Either way

you have the same course. Be the new better SP...for real, from this day forward.