Since I still have access to her email, I saw that on the same day she is “missing me” she wrote to her friend that she is still thinking about how she can leave the marriage.
Quit snooping!!! First, whatever she's writing to friends may or may not reflect what she really feels. She's in turmoil and when she writes she's probably trying different things on to see how she feels about them. Second, if she finds out you're snooping (and it's very likely she will if you keep it up) then it's going to put you in a very bad light.
Originally Posted By: SailingAlone
Our cell phones are on the same account, and I can see when she calls, texts, etc. I checked, and I can see that she has been texting friends as late as 3:00 am and the other day she must have woke up early because there were texts from about 5:00 am.
Seriously, STOP that!
Originally Posted By: SailingAlone
I've noticed something about intimacy, and wonder if this is common with others. We continue to ML and are intimate in bed with both of us initiating. For example, this morning soon after waking up, my wife rolled closer and put her arm around me and her head on my shoulder. Yet, during the day, she is more distant and tends to avoid intimacy.
Yeah, like yours and Grizz's, my W was also like this before she moved out. She would be fully into ML as much as before BD, maybe even more. But outside of ML she wouldn't even hug or kiss me. Don't try to figure it out, you can't. Just know that continuing to ML doesn't necessarily mean there's a turnaround in the M anytime soon. It's OK to keep doing it if it's not messing you up emotionally, just don't have any expectations about what it means.
Well... I guess you could add mine into this as well...
My W is diabetic and her meds would often cause issues with her desire to ML. It wasn't rare for us to go weeks in between ML during the last few years. At least she used her meds as the reason. Then, in late 2011, ML was more frequent, right up to BD (Thanksgiving weekend 2011). After that, we didn't ML for months - probably May 2012. After that it wasn't until September, then it was like every other day until November and then it was like a switch got flipped - back to nothing again...
And as AS said, stop snooping. There's nothing you can do about it and the snooping is doing far more damage to you than you know right now. Speaking from experience here...
My wife is in an EA, but an odd one. She is infatuated like a teen girl in her “friend” who she met in the gym and happens to work in the hospital 1-2 days/week where she works. I told her I could not tolerate this friendship and that she had to either end it or leave. She stayed, but I now know that she has continued the friendship behind my back. He has a girlfriend, so I’m not sure what his interest is. But my wife is definitely pursuing him.
My question is what to do?
1. Should I ignore it, and pretend I don’t know and let her continue? It eats me up, but we’re living together, and I think the chances of working through this are better together than if I kick her out. Also, I have my 3 girls to consider, and I hate the idea of a shared custody during a separation.
2. When I know she is with him, should I confront her when she comes home and kick her out? I don’t think I would feel any better, but at least I would keep my pride intact. I’m not sure how she would react. She could decide to leave, or it could shock her into some other action.
I’m really conflicted on what to do concerning this. Originally her relationship with this guy was a friendship with infatuation on her side. Now, I would say it is an EA since she has shared more and more with him. It is not physical as far as I know, but that could always change. He has a girlfriend, but that might not stop anything.
Sailing you need to stop snooping. Believe me when I tell you this, Been there done that! I could not stop myself from the snooping. Checked his phone records, emails, everytime I could I was snooping, 5 yers of it. WHenever I found something it hurt so much but I could not stop. After reading the text message back and forth between them about how they met up and she gave him a BJ and how much he enjoyed it, blah, blah, blah. I had a mini breakdown. I was like, why am I doing this to myself, I am going to drive myself over the edge.
I FINALLY found the strength to stop all that BS. I don't look at her facebook, or his, no phone records, don't look at his cell, nothing. Oh its hard, very hard, but I know I am going to find something so I just don't look. why do that to myself again? Think long and hard before you snoop again and just think about how you feel when you read that stufff, how it hurts, don't do it to yourself. I am in a much better place for my own peace of mind. I have not snooped for two months! ( sound like an AA member) and I am much better for it!
M-47, H-46 M24, T29 S19, S17 OW since 2007 Fighting ever since H left 8/12 H home 11/12 still seeing OW
Ready2Quit and others, thanks for the strong advice on me stopping the snooping. Yes, it does hurt me. I'm going to think about this, I know I should stop, I just have to come to terms with it. Essentially, it seems I have to say I don't care what she does. Only then could a person stop snooping.
NOTHING you do will prevent her from having an EA or PA, ESPECIALLY if you keep doing what you are doing. In all likely hood, the more you snoop, and the more confrontational you get, the more you will PUSH HER TOWARDS THAT HAPPENING!!
The choice is yours. Learn to detach and stop snooping or be the one to push her into doing what you fear the most...
ReadyEssentially, it seems I have to say I don't care what she does.
You already know she's doing things you don't like. You know your M is in trouble. You know she's not going to stop. You know she's being dishonest. Why do you need to snoop, you already know what you're going to find. Ready, Blake, me, we've all been there and lived it. We're telling you it is harming YOU, that's why you need to stop! We're telling you that it's preventing you from healing just as it prevented us from healing until we stopped it.
I signed up for coaching today. I need some support. I have nobody close by that I can confide in since I moved here only 18 months ago.
I appreciate the strong advice to stop snooping. I know it is what I should do, stopped for a day but then anxiety took over and I continued. I'm going to stop again.
If I wasn't snooping, then I wouldn't know what she is doing, which would help me sleep better.
SailingAlone, I understand your fears, I to am in a place that I don't have family or friends near me. At the moment my support is this forum, good or bad it is what I have. I to have snooped on the W facebook page. It just isn't worth it. I know we think it helps us sleep better or understand better, but the reality is it doesn't and it won't. Good work signing up for coaching, I have had 2 sessions so far and well worth it.
ME:51 W:46 M:25 S:22, S:20 Divorced 16/9/15 BD 10/12 W left 12/12 with OW, affair confirmed Nov/12. Dark since 6/13 I"m in a new relationship since Feb 14.
