I say I think because I walk a little further down this path everyday. What if divorce affects us negatively in the finance dept. and that impacts the kids? What if I just don't care in that particular sense at that particular time anymore?
I can certainly be definite today by all means, but the future is not set. It is a boundary for sure, whether this boundary would lead to divorce right away is the issue. I would be done though. That is for sure. So, in that aspect, it is not wishy washy, just pragmatic
And you are right. Actually, he was friendly with me when with GF, but we had a talk during her absence and he decided to go forward with this R of his, so we will see.
I have also made the decision to accept a couple of dates. Nothing crazy, but I think of it as a GAL lmao. I am not looking for any R right now and my "dates" know this. I have been encouraged to no end by H to do this, but the couple of times it looked like I did (actually didn't) did not go over that well with him, which, made me laugh.
I do not want to play those games, so you all are the only ones who know for now. Perhaps I have been in a bit of a holding pattern as far as H is concerned and this is another step in detaching a little further. We will see.
Wishy-washy was a poor choice of words on my part. At some point we all need to let our S go and we get there at different times. I know it's certainly taken me a long time, some days I'm there, some days I'm not but it is my goal everyday.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
It occurs to me that I still seek external validation. Case in point, am "okay" (ie not obsessing) with not hearing from H, because I know I am having lunch with someone else, who actually has texted me to say "How was your day?" and "Good morning"
How do I move from this? I know that I have made progress and suspect it is a time, self awareness thing. Not necessarily in detaching from H, but the requirement to seek external validation at these points.
I realize I am feeling low, so that is probably why I have looked for it. But in striving for authenticity, I do not want external validation to be necessary for any of my happiness.
On that note, began meditating today...I like!! A technique that I am using is to turn situations around to myself. When someone is rude to me I say to myself :I am sorry for being so rude" Supposed to enhance connections, but when I tried it in grocery store on two little kids "I am sorry for being such big pains in everyone's a$$" it didn't seem to work.
It occurs to me that I still seek external validation. Case in point, am "okay" (ie not obsessing) with not hearing from H, because I know I am having lunch with someone else, who actually has texted me to say "How was your day?" and "Good morning"
How do I move from this? I know that I have made progress and suspect it is a time, self awareness thing. Not necessarily in detaching from H, but the requirement to seek external validation at these points.
I am this way also, I feel like it fits hand in hand with fear of being alone. I need to get to where I can be OK without someone else giving me reassurance or more me looking for reassurance.
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
Validation... Hmm maybe I am off on being the same, I think I need reassurance that I am liked.
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
I think, to some extent, most human beings are like that, we are social creatures. But the trick is to say, I think , and actually feel, this is me. Hope you like me, but if you don't it is okay.
That's why rejection hurts. I just want to be at the point where I don't need that validation. That it is nice, but not necessary to who I am.
I do not mind being alone, but it's the lonely, the missing of a connection that is the kicker.
"I do not mind being alone, but it's the lonely, the missing of a connection that is the kicker." Ding-ding-ding...we have a winning connection here, ruby!
Your grocery store "turn around" scenario made me LOL & that's something I've done so very little of these days. Boy, do I miss the enjoyment of a good laugh!
Yeah, for your Day 2.
Tell us about the dates & why you've decided to try it. Didn't you back out of a date a while back b/c it just didn't feel right to you? Why is this different now?
M- 18 T-21 S-14,11 & 10 BD 6-18-2012 (OW-EA) H moved out 11-3-2012 10-5-13 Me- I want a divorce. I want to move on w my life. 11-25-13 Jointly filed.
Day three....I feel like an anthropologist.. "watching the villagers eat breakfast, it occurs to us that the dynamics..." I digress
Today, you will only see a post in the morning. Going media dark for the day, could use a break
To answer your question Turtle, I feel that when I let go of H earlier this month, to explore his own happiness outside of whatever guilt he may feel for leaving us, I gave myself permission to move on as well. It really is as simple and as complicated as that. This is not to say that I do not have moments of anger and regret, I do. Especially, it seems, that I have circled back to anger a lot these days. But am taking a Page from Chodron and leaning in to it, to learn the lessons that are to be taught here, to explore why. Not necessarily, at this point, to not be angry, but to accept and understand it.
Also to refuse to be the target and in doing so, keep my seat. I truly respect all those who go through in house separation and whose spouses still live with them. I don't know if I could reflect upon everything and grow like I am if H was still here. I am in awe.
As for the date, well, I suspect he wants much more than I can offer at this point. I have explained where I am but he is not really hearing.
TaDa!! Well almost lol! Checked last night emails and boards at 7:30 or so, which is longer than I have gone before. Kept my phone on and messaging, but turned off email.
H texts yesterday morning, got it about an hour later. It was just chit chat so replied in kind. No reply. Found myself checking phone, so left it at home for three hours while I went out. Texted when I got back "hangover must have won" which got a reply. Turns out he has a bike (bicycle). Whether he bought it or girlfriend bought it for him is unknown. I said I had to go and TTYL.
I was angry for a bit; why does he have a bike, GF cycles blah blah. If he bought it it is extravagant. If she bought it even more so, since she does not make a lot of money, although she does not have custody. Kids live with Dad. Then I sifted through those emotions and realized that my anger wasn't valid and misplaced. I was angry that he gets to do another activity, one I don't do. That takes him more into GF realm. I was angry he or she spent the money (one of my LL's are gifts :~ ) So, I looked at it and let it go. I did . It does not affect me or my life, so I let it go. Now, I can't look at H and say "how wonderful and exciting" but I can let it go...which is a step.
Emailed H last night with warning that D13 saw my tatt(H and I got them last week. Mine is fairly hidden, so people don't know we road tripped. They thought he went alone...). We emailed back and forth and the emails got confusing, so we were joking around and I said
"Focus has always been an issue...squirrel!"
H- "LOL. WHo are you again?"
This is where it gets interesting, because my reply and his went like this:
"Your amazing ex. :p
-Who is running a half in 11 days just cuz
-Who rocked just dance Abba, Zumba and the spring hill bitch plus sprints.
-Who has painted and patched
-Who is going to bed so she can log her 13k before she works:)
Night mister. Have a good one."
His reply? "Ouch"
Me: "No ouch. Just feeling so amazing these days.been meditating, reading Pema Chodron, leaning in rather than running away. It is so very good. I am truthfully experiencing a little difficulty with connectedness but I think the fact that I am inherently sarcastic may have to do with that lmfao!!"
He said "Oh"
I left it very friendly and wished him good night.
I am frickin' amazing these days, well, most days. The meditation is helping as is Chodron. Working on me in order to require less validation from others.
