No, you are not dumb as a box of rocks. You've got a lot going on and you have to think of children as well in this situation. Your finances may be dictating how things are playing out as well.
Yes, you still love him and I also think you've kept the door ajar just in case he should get his act together. There's no harm in that.
You'll figure out what your goals are. Give yourself a break...you've found employment, i.e., whether it's really what you wanted or not, you've been doing things for yourself and I can honestly say that I've seen you become even more independent and wiser.
As the saying goes "you are right where you need to be at this time". You are doing well...so pat yourself on the back. You are posting to others and offering them very wise advice and offering empathy and compassion. You're becoming a great mentor to others...keep up the good work!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Personally, I think rocks are highly underrated - they are strong and face the harshest natural elements head on. They are enduring. A diamond is a rock
And you are one. That your H does not appreciate it tells me that he is not the brains of the operation. Your kids know that you are. If you pay them each $50, they may even admit it.
I get your confusion though, and I think it can be a good thing. At least I am hoping because soul searching sounds much better than plain old confused. But if we take the time to know what it is that we want, what we will put up with balancing that with what we may gain or what we may have to sacrifice, at least we may go into this with our eyes open.
I think my path would be easier if I could just decide that I did not want him in my life under any circumstances. Total detachment. Bliss.
You are doing so well, Miz, not just in handling your H but in your attitude and willingness to tackle challenges.
I agree with the previous posters, you are doing very well considering the situation you are in. Nothing wrong with taking some time to properly figure out what you want, and the best way to go about getting there, all while keeping your options open. A dumb rock would just roll down the hill, end up in the river and be done with it!
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Lol, I don't actually think I'm as dumb as a box of rocks. In answering AJM I was going through all the options I could think of to explain my behaviors/choices and just thought dumb or even crazy certainly should be on the list.
In giving that whole topic more thought yesterday, I think too, that I literally trained myself to love H. And it took years, so unlearning will also take time.
Here's what I mean. When I met my H I was gobsmacked. Head over heels. For one thing, he's very very good looking. (I have witnessed women following him around Target, peeking at him from around corners. Lol - that was hilarious to come across, realize what/who was exciting them so much, clear my throat a little too loudly, walk past them and give my H a hug and a kiss... ) People think he's a ringer for Richard Gere. And OMG the way he treated me when we were courting!!! Yowza!!!
So I "loved" the man I married.
And then.... and then he kept the looks but did a 180 on the treatment.
And then he fooled around on me
And then I had to make a decision. And I decided to stay.
And then I had to make another decision, stay and be bitter/angry or stay and love. And I decided to love.
Actually, I decided love itself was a decision, a choice. More than a feeling. This love, this choosing, I feel is really a better sort of love than the "in love" love.
Every morning I woke up saying to myself "I love my H". And I would repeat this throughout the day. And while I haven't felt gobsmacked in decades, I have truly loved my H. I have cared about, and cared for, him. I recognized he is not perfect and that he makes mistakes but chose to love him warts and all.
That is part of what I find so hurtful about the MLC coldness. I think the descent began as long as 5 years or so ago. That was when not only did H stop saying ILY back to me, he didn't want me to say it to him either. He said ILY should only be said when it was "felt". Well.
Well where would we have been if I had that opinion so many years ago.....
Oh damn it here come the tears. Not what I intended or expected. Sigh.
Oh well. Life goes on. Here's hoping this old dog can learn new tricks. Cheers.
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
So true for most of us here in terms of choosing to love .. It does seem that we are breaking inside bit by bit but I do feel that going forward we will truly be able to live the best possible life irrespective of what happens... We are doing the right thing.. Love and hugs..
hoper me-40,H41 M-15 S-6 Looks like MLC,living together
Dawn - the whole "being alone while lying next to someone you've spent roughly half your life loving" - [censored]
I am not sure if I want my H to "follow" because the entirety of our M has not been good. I look at the idea of him "coming out" of his MLC to be... what? Like he has been for most of our marriage? I am definitely NOT interested in that. Like a version of who I met and fell in love with? Consider me very skeptical of that being remotely possible.
You are not alone in feeling this way! My H was the good guy, nice man, nice dad, hardworking and very generous, but just there.
I don't fighting to get back what I may not want. Honestly, I could/would have lived the rest of my life w/h the way we were. Though it was blah, it was solid, we were a good family. He has taught me that I was missing out and now I want more. Especially, knowing that the idiot does know how to pay attention and dote on someone as he did a yr ago.
Though I would never admite it maybe there is a part of me that hopes H will come out of this a better man, having learned a wonderful lesson about L, and R, and M, even life, and become the man he was when we met. I am all for people learning and atoning for their mistakes and bringing forth a much improved version of themselves.
I have read about MLCer's doing just that. I'm sure you have as well, maybe that's the little bit of hope we hold out for. But, you are not dumb, stay in the right, you have done nothing wrong, I'm right there with you, maybe we're all just a little tired, but for sure, we are alot done already.
<3 dm
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
Though I would never admite it maybe there is a part of me that hopes H will come out of this a better man, having learned a wonderful lesson about L, and R, and M, even life, and become the man he was when we met.
Lol... and I won't admit that the possibility of H emerging a better man and sharing that better-ness with someone who hasn't paid the dues I've paid really steams my socks!!
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
H has now taken to texting notes on gambling strategy to my phone - for this book he's writing. Idk if I'm supposed to respond lol. I asked H if I was and he hasn't answered.
Makes me smh because he could certainly use his fancy phone for notes, without involving me. But this is currently how he wants to reach out to me and its no skin off my nose... so carry on H.
Was exploring schooling options online last night. I think there's a chance I could go for a certificate in office skills. Going to try to sched an appt with a counselor there - maybe start in Aug? I find this notion ridiculously exciting
Hope your (whoever you may be ) weekend is good!
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
) People think he's a ringer for Richard Gere. And OMG the way he treated me when we were courting!!! Yowza!!!
maybe there is a part of me that hopes H will come out of this a better man, having learned a wonderful lesson about L, and R, and M, even life, and become the man he was when we met. I am all for people learning and atoning for their mistakes and bringing forth a much improved version of themselves. 