Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Still treading water #4

Very good point adinva.

Grizz, your W having a new job doesn't necessarily mean she'll now have $$ to leave. She might have this as an idea in her head, but it is also possible that a new job will make her happier, and start to view her relationship with you differently.

I would just keep the PMA, keep working on yourself, and take advantage of living together to demonstrate how good M with you is.

Thanks for checking in SA. ^^ That is my small glimmer of hope that I am hanging onto. Maybe the new job will make her happier and then, hopefully, I am no longer seen as the root of her misery.

Grizz
Try to stop worrying about what your W thinks of you, what her next steps are, or why she's sleeping where she is. I had to go back quite a few posts to find where you were not talking about just your W in your posts. When I found that post you seemed more upbeat...something to think about

With that, I understand how you're feeling. Still living together and in same bed for 6 months and it's hard as hell and I've seen absolutely no movement from her. We can sit here and complain about it together and while it might be fun for a few minutes will that help either of us in the end? Likely all it would do is have people call us Nancy and Alice and I'm growing tired of being an Alice (reference to my own drama).

So, how was your game the other night? Did you follow up the 3 for 4 with another similar game? What else you got going on? and...

What is the new normal YOU're striving for in YOUR life?

Thanks for the comments Spartan. As I am sure most on here know, this stuff will consume you if you let it. Unfortunately, at times, I let it. It may not seem like it in my posts but I am so much better than 3 months ago. But I realize there is much more room for improvement.

Thanks for asking about GAL. The streak continues! Went 2 for 3 Monday night! We are 2-0.

I have definitely started doing more without letting her take the lead (she was always the social chair of the house). Our spring football game is this weekend. We have season tickets. We always tailgate during the regular season. I asked earlier in the week if she was interested in tailgating this weekend. She never really answered. So this morning I started messaging people on my own to see if they were interested in going. W asked me today if I was taking D4 to a bday party Saturday. I told her that I was trying to get people to tailgate this weekend. She then said that she wanted to go. We also got invited to a wedding (a friend of mine that she doesnt know) and she said she didn't know them. I said it is ok if you don't want to go but I need to reply if only 1 or 2 people are coming. She acted surprised that I would go without her but she still never gave me an answer. In the past there is probably no way that I would have gone without her.

I would love to get to the point of not worrying about what W is doing. It is so hard when you are in the same house. I never ask her anymore what she is doing or where she is going.

Last night she asked if anyone wanted to go to the mall with her. Not sure if it was meant for me or just the kids so I delayed any answer until the kids answered. They said no so I just said I will stay with them. I probably wouldn't have gone anyway even if the kids wanted to go.

Spartan, thanks again for telling me to get out of my funk. I guess sometimes I just need to hear that.

This is good, shows W that you will move on. You life and happiness is not contingent on her



Also good, give her space.

I also am experiencing the difficulty of detaching while living together. Extremely difficult, especially since my W has starting acting as if things are OK. Like you, I think I'm much better than 3 months ago., but also need to work on this.

I posted this on another thread yesterday:


"SA, I also find the ML part interesting. Early in my sitch we continued to ML. She has said "you know, we have never had problems there." However recently it has really backed off. It has been over a month now which is a really long time for us. Actually except for after childbirth we have never gone that long. Not even close. I just don't know how to approach it with her. I think that she would be ok with it but she doesn't want to initiate it and give a false sense of hope to me (mind reading) and I don't initiate because I don't know how to anymore. HA! That sounds crazy. We have no physical contact now so I don't know how to really engage her to even approach the subject of ML.

I say if you can continue to ML then do. There is a connection there that you can't get any other way. I think it is a good sign. Not looking so good for me right now."


After posting it, I went back and read what I had written. My thought was, if we both still want to ML (I think) then why has it been over a month. So I decided to try to change that last night. She came home after eating with a friend and I asked her to come over to me. I hugged her and yada yada yada we ML.

Now I am sure some on here will totally disagree with doing that. Pursuit! And to be honest, I am not sure it was the right thing to do. But, after reading what I posted earlier it seemed to me like I should try.

The down side (I guess) is that she still slept in the other room last night.

Any and all comments on this are welcomed. Thanks.

Grizz,

I recently changed things up a bit here at home. While I still give my wife space, I don't go out of my way to avoid her. I also made a move that some people here would possibly have taken issue with. We had been sleeping in separate rooms. I had even moved all my clothes out of the MBR. My wife had told me that things were "weird" between us.

Well, after about 4 months of that, I just moved myself and everything else back into the MBR. Unannounced. I also started making physical contact with her. I really think that I had started acting like a guy who is afraid of rejection. I was afraid to do ANYTHING. I was always looking to see her reactions.

I was just frozen in fear. Afraid to make a move. Afraid of what she might be doing. Afraid of what she might be thinking. Afraid of asking her a simple question. I acted like my head was in the sand.

I KNOW my wife appreciates physical touch. I started doing that again. I didn't get a 180 from her, but I didn't get pushed away either. She continues to allow me to touch her. In fact, after moving back into our br, and me initiating physical touch, we have actually ML twice.

I think it was Sandi2 who told me that a woman wants her man to lust after her. If she doesn't get it from you, she will get it somewhere else. It's our job to let them know they are desired... all while making sure we honor their boundaries and give them space and present our new and improved selves to them. If your wife is in crisis, she is probably very concerned about her street value. I know my wife is VERY consumed with her appearance right now.

I don't know what will work for you two. You DID get a straight forward answer when you asked her about her sleeping in the other room. It doesn't seem like you damaged your situation because of the question.

Inuendo, tip toeing around things, not being direct. I think all of this stuff causes us problems. And I don't think that ML was a bad outcome of your move.

BTW, last night was just a step. You should expect her to still sleep in the other room and be pleasantly surprised when she doesn't.

Amen PF! I have been afraid to do just about anything. That is not me. I am fortunate to be able to say that we have (had) a great sex life. I had no trouble initiating but now I am scared to touch her. When we pass in the hall I make sure we don't touch. I say excuse me to get around her instead of placing a hand on her waist or shoulder to slide by her. Acting this way seems ridiculous. W has also said things are wierd between us. I just think to myself "really"!

Your statements about fear and your "afraid of's" sound so familiar to me.

My W is also concerned with her appearance and her value in general (alot to do with work).

PF, I really want to thank you for your post. It definitely spoke to me. I have been much more upbeat today, even around W. Seemed halfway normal for a time tonight. I attribute your post to my PMA today. It really it home. Thank you again.

Going to the spring football game tomorrow. Tailgating with some friends. Really looking forward to it. W is working tomorrow. I will be with my girls all day. W says she will join us at the tailgate. I have set the tailgate up with everyone (definitely a 180).
Press on!

As long as you aren't feeling bad about the encounter afterwards and it's bringing you and your wife closer, then ML is the right thing to do. Michele has an article on this.

If your wife is receptive to your advances then you are on track, in my opinion.

The No Pursuing rule is there because the common tendency of most LBS's, (especially early on) is to over pursue, which drives their partner away. It doesn't mean we can't ever reach out and attempt to connect, (with sex or otherwise) but some seem to interpret it that way.

Continue to pay attention and do what works in your sitch.