Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Letting Go & Moving Forward

Little that is GREAT gal. Awesome!!
I would 150% see a lawyer little. You have to protect yourself when it comes to $
Make sure he isn't hiding or squirreling funds out

You should be getting proper financial support currently

Thanks for your input, PoN.

I don't want to randomly pick a L by googling, but I don't know very many D people to even ask about a recommendation. None of my close friends are D. And I would feel odd about asking the people I know who have been D but don't know extremely well.

I guess I could just see about a free consultation then ask for references? IDK.

it is never easy but at the end of the day you do need to protect yourself

Okay, so I had a hard day today. It was a beautiful Spring day here & normally I would have been in such a good mood but I was thinking of my MIL (who passed last August) & how she loved Spring so much. It made me sad.

Part of me feels that because of my M sitch I haven't focused on grieving her like I need to.

When I got home & eventually crossed paths w H when he brought home one of the boys he let me know he opened his own checking and savings accounts today. I knew this was coming, yet when he told me it felt like a new wound.

I couldn't even look at him. He came over to hug me as he was leaving (a very short time after he told me) and I just asked, "Why are you doing this to us?" He said, "I feel like I have no choice."

I replied "You have every choice." I left the room as he was walking out the door (he knew I was upset). I just couldn't help it.

Later our paths crossed again via the boys' activities and he said he wanted to call me but S9 was in his truck & he couldn't.

At boys' bedtime S11 calls to say prayers w H & I (I know a little strange, but it is his new habit) & he wanted to talk to me about the schedule & I told S11 I didn't want to talk to H. In fact I had him do prayers alone w his dad as I was in a bad place.

The whole dividing finances just feels like such a HUGE step toward the end of our M. Maybe it is over. I can't really think of too much that is left.

He is "with OW" emotionally- loves her, blah, blah, blah for over a year now. He has moved out for 5 months and "has no intention of moving back." He is happy "talking w OW," and is not willing to "give her up." He is happier with his own time and space.

He talks about this summer like we will continue to be apart. He says he has "no plans" but he is not coming back.

It will be a year in June since BD but since last Dec/Jan when his EA started w OW (and they were hanging out daily probably 4-5 months before that). So, the question I ask myself is how long do I feel I can continue to be M to someone who doesn't love me or plan to share my life w me.

Sorry, I'm just having a rough night. Not a good DBing night either.

Little, I can relate. My H was in the house today and we talked about D and dividing assets, etc. And it did feel like a new wound indeed. I also tell myself that I don’t want to be married to someone who doesn’t want me. He said that he loves me but not in love with me multiple times in the past 9 months since our separation started. And still, I have hard time thinking that my M might be over.

From what I read on multiple sites and books, the EA can last longer than PA. The average length of an affair is about 6 months. The EA can go longer, since they normally live in a fantasy world. Maybe he needs more time to explore that.

I’m not even sure if I can give you any advise here, except to be patient and let it run its own course. I can give you my full support and lots of hugs.

i hear ya Turtle. We move towards this in our own time and DBing allows us to find a path we are comfortable with. Sometimes after 7 months (!!! only) I want to say "that's it", but then I read BD, jb, 25 etc. and think that these guys were in for the ultramarathon and I want to be at the place they are before I make any decisions.

It gives me hope, not necessarily for my marriage, but for myself in coming to terms with it all and being in a good, good place when and if I move on.

When he said "I feel like I have no choice," what else might you have said back? Have you ever felt like you had no choice but to do something hurtful? It's a rotten feeling. You might have left it with that, maybe a comment like, "that must be very hard, to feel like you have no choice."

I have struggled with hearing my H when he speaks, because I would like to open his eyes with my response so he sees the right thing. All he hears when I do that is how wrong I am, to him. To him, he was already right, so my comeback does me no good. At least an understanding comment might leave him thinking, am I as right as I thought?

Only the thoughts that come from his own understanding are going to sway him. Not the ones you try to tell him.

I really like that comment Ad.

Thanks, ad, your comment about what I might have said was good. Too bad I was so reactive/emotional at the time. I rarely speak to him before really thinking about how i want to say something and if I don't think it is helpful to "us" then I say nothing.

I do try to validate what he says at times, but we haven't had any "real" conversations since Feb. (only one then).

ruby, I think you are exactly right about doing this in our own time. I hope when/if D happens that I really will be "okay" and moving on with my life. Right now I'm "acting as if" at times and doing the "whole fake it till you make it attitude."

BF, thanks for your perspective. It is always comforting to know someone is going through something similar. I do agree that this EA is in a fantasy world. For whatever reason I feel like my H is obsessed with this OW & maybe doesn't want to move out of this EA for fear it won't live up to his imaginative expectations of this perfectly happy life in fairy tale land!

Thanks for the support! Been doing a lot of reading lately and haven't commented on many posts as I don't feel like I'm in an advice sort of place. But, I'm keeping up with all your threads!

Started going through L names to get a initial consultation just to seek information. I want to know where I stand if H decides to file.

Luckily I am having a "numb night" where my emotions seem to be dulled by the formerly heightened emotionality. I figure I can do the L searching in this frame of mind.

I hope I don't get all emotional when these Ls get back to me about setting up a meeting. I'm not sure I'm even ready for a consultation. Too real for me. But, time is flying by & I don't see any baby steps (and have not) since BD last June.

I still stand, but I know if H decided it's over there's no turning back for him. I want to be prepared and protect myself and do wants best for my kids.