* 2.4 recommended so I'm going to order my copy along with the 5 Love Languages. Even though H isn't living here maybe I can learn something. Hopefully not too little to late for all of us'
Last edited by dbmod; 04/15/1312:03 AM. Reason: Reference not recommended not allowed
Me 29 H 28 M 9 T 11 No kids 2 dogs H moved in with parents 3/21/13 H wants a D 4/2/13 D Filed 4/5/13 Served 4/17/13
W's family has an event and kids are getting smart / pretty clothes to wear. They are going to look great. I think the invite extends to me but W has not asked or passed it on, so I will be home alone for a number of days whilst they go.
The kids clothes are around the house on show and I can't walk past them without feeling upset that I am not going to be there as part of the family and to see them happy and looking smart etc. I would normally be so proud of them.
Should I ask W if I can put them away and explain why? Or just leave it and hide my emotions?
Me: 38 W: 35 M: 9Yrs T: 15Yrs S8 D5 BD: Feb 13 Still Living Together
I feel like I'm in thick forest, I'm slowly drawing a map of the way out, but not sure yet which side of the forest I will emerge.
My W seems to be pulling away more and more (not in a cold way, just in a very slow and subtle way), and I wonder if I need to basically let go and see what happens. Up to now I have been balancing, being there, doing stuff for W, but keeping a distance and giving space. But sometimes my offering to do stuff, or just being around I think annoys W - then again we live in the same house so its going be tricky.
This seems to be a theme here lately. I've seen similar expressions on many threads, mine included. Everyone says db is counterintuitive so giving space or freedom feels wrong but can eventually bring spouse back in, but man it's tough when you're feeling opposite effects. Sorry, don't have a lot of advice for that subject just empathy.
About the dresses, I think you'd look like a poor sport if you ask to hide the clothes. Can you try to share in their enthusiasm for the sake of the kids? Are you sure your W doesn't expect you to attend? It may require a conversation, where you could express your desire to attend and let her choose without offering any pressure. It could be a tug-of-war where she's trying to punish you and doesn't think you'd want to go anyways, but if you express your desire to go & then back off & wait for her answer it will give her the chance to extend grace. People like to be given the chance to be the good guy. Maybe she would choose differently than you'd expect, for the sake of the kids.
May be worth a go. Will have to time it right and make sure it's worded perfectly.
Part of me however thinks this is an ideal opportunity for space. W's first time ever going away on own with kids. Maybe a chance to see how it's not so green on that side of the grass : )
Me: 38 W: 35 M: 9Yrs T: 15Yrs S8 D5 BD: Feb 13 Still Living Together
I feel like I'm in thick forest, I'm slowly drawing a map of the way out, but not sure yet which side of the forest I will emerge.
Your emotions/feelings can change on any given subject over time, but your actions are permanent. I think it'd be worth the risk. Better to be turned down than to have her sitting there stewing thinking "and he doesn't even want to come be part of our family".
I've always been very independent. I've done a lot with my kids and most without H. But looking back over the past 10 months, from a friendlier co-parenting place, I think I would have felt better about including H in some family time. There were too many raw feelings, but if he had asked to come on any of our trips it would have really changed the dynamic in our R.
Even recently my H sent me a suggestion for father's day and I got on here & wrote about how presumptuous that is blah blah!! But in the end it's my opportunity to be the best me if I feel like showing grace, and it makes me feel good about myself. And those are positive feelings!
Consider giving your W the chance to make positive choices and have positive feelings towards you. And if she chooses to say no, she'll never be able to accuse you of not caring.
It doesn't have to be all serious, you could just admire the clothes on display and mention how excited you are for them and has she thought any about you coming along? Because if you're assuming that she'll say no, isn't that mindreading or more-of-the-same behavior?
