Myrrh, if I can pass along one piece of advice in the hopes that you will learn something now--it would be to work on how you express that anger you mentioned.
If you backslide on anything, pick something else--because this is undoubtedly going to be his big barometer. That is, the one thing that tells him that you are dead serious about changing yourself to change your M.
I haven't lost my temper with Mr. W. since last July (I think it was June, but I'm allowing myself a 30 day fudge factor here). As of November, he had not noticed that we had not been in a conflict--until I pointed that out to him. At that time, he was pretty much unwilling to admit to anyone (let alone himself) that I had changed drastically.
To this day, I have not lost my temper with him since. I have resolved to keep that anger in check and work on developing a plan to keep myself from eating fish.
That method is what I call Underdog's Overnight Rule.
UOR states that I must sleep on anything that he has said or done. If I still feel torqued about the topic the next day, I am free to address it with him.
95% of the time, I don't feel that the issue was important enough to address. I see those moments as potential crazymaking times: when I'm spoiling for a fight so I'm going to get one. The other 5% of the times, I am much more calm and find a solution-oriented approach so he doesn't run away from any potential conflict with me.
Myrrh, this is going to take a long time to iron out. Just be patient and find an alternative to losing your temper with him.
After all, it is not bringing you two closer together, is it?
Big hugs,
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Okay, I tried to write a post with some of my sitch details last night and got really upset, cuz it all sounds so hopeless written down.
H and dated for about 2 years before we got married. 3 months after we met, we found out I was pregnant. We decided to move in together, and honestly, we've had serious problems since the beginning. When I met H, he was still overly involved with an ex who lived in Connecticut. That situation created huge amounts of turmoil, and I couldn't be detached in that case. Anyway - he went to visit her in Connecticut, and well, he cheated while he was there (brief PA number one). We had a lot of problems with him lying to me and trying to hide things, adn me constantly snooping on him, breaking into his e-mail, accusing him of cheating, etc - even when he wasn't. Somehow in spite of all that, we got married last January. SURPRISE! That didn't solve any problems.
In June, he started a PA with a 19-year-old girl (he's 30), and moved out in August. Add to that mix a couple of hospitalizations for me because of clinical depressions.
So HAH - try and say there's hope for our F'd up R now.
I hate recounting my sitch to people .
Myrrh
One moment of patience may ward off great disaster. One moment of impatience may ruin a whole life.
Okay - that was so NOT a pma post. I am just embarrassed that I am in this situation and worried that since it's always been difficult, it can't get better. But it CAN, right? As long as I keep swimming and work on the anger/crazymaking ..
One moment of patience may ward off great disaster. One moment of impatience may ruin a whole life.
It is surely hard to say things that hurt. At least here you know that the words will be not used against you.
As Opt said, it helps us get a feel for things and what can be suggested to help you move closer to your H.
I'd say that your gaming tonight is one very good example. The past is only important because it helps define any patterns or history that might help in solving tomorrow's problems.
Don't look back unless you're going there... and something tells me you don't want to anyway.
So hang in there and this too shall pass.
Hugs,
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
GUESS WHAT!?! We were on the phone tonight and H mentioned he and his business partner had discussed closing the shop on Wednesdays so he could visit with our S.
But that's not the cool part...then he said (and this is a quote) "But I hope to be in a situation soon where I don't have to visit our S, if you know what I mean."
Okay - I did not freak out. I said "I know what you mean" and went on with the conversation. But omg - isn't that a really awesome thing for him to say?
Yay! Myrrh
One moment of patience may ward off great disaster. One moment of impatience may ruin a whole life.
My goals at this point are so tiny... Goal Number 1: Make it through a whole week with no fighting (although as of this Sunday I will have made it). 2: Stop pressuring him about coming over to visit/calling. Let him lead for awhile. 3: Stop freaking out/crying/getting upset where he can see/hear it - act like things are normal.
Those are the little goals.
What do you think?
One moment of patience may ward off great disaster. One moment of impatience may ruin a whole life.
Great start on your goals! What you might want to do, though, is break them down just a bit more, and maybe make them more "action-oriented" on your part. Instead of just things that you "won't" be doing, add some "I will" stuff to it.
For example, on #3...act like things are normal, what will "normal" look like? What things will you be shooting to do "more of" that could be considered "normal"? What specific actions will you be taking?
Keep going! You're off to a great start!!
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
Yes, good start. One suggestion... how are you going to do these?
For example, the not fighting rule--we both know that by now, your H knows which buttons to push to get you to engage in MORE OF THE SAME behavior. How are you going to stop entering into that dance with him?
#2 is fine--but I think it would be good for you to list some things for you to do when you're NOT pursuing him. Like meditation, exercising (specific, though), cooking, pottery class, etc.
#3--Good goal, but needs more specifics. How are you going to stop freaking out? By doing what? Taking a walk with the dog? Calling a friend who can boost your PMA? Writing letters?
Great start! Tiny is good because it breaks them down into bite sized morsels (I'm a shark, I like visuals of eating). Putting down things that are doable and not daunting.
Make sense?
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
