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Never started this too well. Got home And W seemed a little offish. so thought better not ask 'how has your day been' so asked 'you okay?'. FAIL!!!!! Not sure why I did that !!! Of course I got the answer 'yes I'm fine '.

Try again another day!

Don't get discouraged; it's such a small thing in the scheme of things. Stick to "how was your day?" or something more specific that doesn't get at her feelings per se.

....and this is exactly how the walking on eggshells started for me. I would think one comment was the right thing or way to answer my h, change my mind, ask a different way. Both were the wrong choices. I could never win. So, then I stopped trusting my insticts, and asked him for every situation that arose. I stopped believing in myself. He felt like I was incapable of anything on my own.

Be careful!

I have been thinking about this a little...

Maybe instead of being so ..."general" in terms...

Try being a little more specific with your questions if you want a little more "specific" in your answers...

Maybe start off by sharing a funny story about your day first, and then casually ask about her day...

Try showing the change you want to see first....


Make sense ???

I don't see where that was a fail at all, mr2.4. How do you see it as a fail?

The goal here is for you to do something, not for you to manipulate some kind of specific response out of her. So if her answer was in a snappish tone, perhaps you might adjust your approach and say something more open ended.

The question, "you okay?" is never asked of someone who looks obviously happy. So it is really more of a judgment of how she appears to you than it is a mission of connecting with her and listening. So, try next time with something that doesn't imply you've already read her mind and found it cloudy. Try, what's new, what's up, what's happening today, or how's your day. None of those comes with an assumed answer.

If her answer is that she is having a lousy day, then you have an opportunity to show that (1) that doesn't change your kind of a day at all, you're having a quite pleasant day still and (2) you care enough to listen and demonstrate an understanding that she's feeling some feelings about her day.

Success = you tried, and reported back here. Try modifying the question next time. See how it goes. Use the opportunity to just hear what she wants to say, whatever it is. If it's negative, that doesn't mean a failure on your part. It's only a failure if you backslide with it by bickering, getting upset, or otherwise pushing her away from you.

funny you should say that - W picked on something earlier, at the time I was trying to be sincere and listen to what she was saying , and I did end up snapping a bit. First time in a long time, so frustrating. So much for the idea of fun and not reacting !!!!

Just Venting:
Its funny how something as small as the above can make you feel very down again. That and the fact W has booked a trip away soon, I don't know whether its with OM, but she is doing little things that make me think she is preparing herself to look her best, and this is eating me up a bit.

I think I am doing this DR thing wrong, because right now i feel lost as to whether what i am doing is helping me or the sitch. My W seems to be pulling away more and more (not in a cold way, just in a very slow and subtle way), and I wonder if I need to basically let go and see what happens. Up to now I have been balancing, being there, doing stuff for W, but keeping a distance and giving space. But sometimes my offering to do stuff, or just being around I think annoys W - then again we live in the same house so its going be tricky.

I also wish W would stop acting as if she hates me. She is friendly and talkative, but its almost like she it treating me like somebody that she dislikes but is getting on with for the sake of it. She can be nasty at times, rude, call me names, put me down all the time. Then if she needs my help she asks for it and I feel like I am needed again. I don't know how I can still be in love with her!!

Yes this does makes sense. I will get myself back on my feet and try these things. I am feeling a little deflated right now so need to work on myself a little.

2.4 did you find the book ILYBINILWY helpful?

Shiss,

Where can you get this book?