i cannot assume one darn thing has changed (really). it's hard to remember sometimes- but reality is always there on my shoulder.
I'm sick of reality, I need a little fantasy world of fun and happiness myself. My reality kinda stinks, but I guess it can be worse.
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hard for me drawing lines- find myself falling into old habits of hopping up to find things, etc. half the time i remember to stop . i usually remember not to respond when i hear him talkin in some other room where i can't possibly hear- and USED to go over to hear what he wanted
wow, these a$$whole's had it good, it used to do the same thing. Now, I act like I can't hear him just to walk to me if he needs something. I'm not your go to buddy, come to me for a change!
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have you determined if your h is morphing into somewhat old self with not-h ddragging along?
For sure that's what he's doing. Nice way to describe it, it's just like that. He keeps kissing my cheeks, damb I'm not this cute little girl in pig tails, man up and get your wife back. I don't think he would fight for me, I think he would sercombe to defeat if I showed myself to be a WAS.
So I guess one of these days coming up is your b-day, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
MAYBE YOUR h is trying to establish contct and keep it- maybe it is keeping you in cold storage til he decides
Again, you crack me up, you have such a way with words! First, I hate sleeping in that late alone, waking up at 10am or later is best done with someone next to you knowing you can stay in bed all day.
Second, it's hard to fall asleep in the first place because I am alone. When we M we were together 24/7, then he lost his job and had to go into the real world, so he's been gone every night for 20yrs. I hated it...hated it, I begged him when he was vested after 15yrs to quite, but work came before me.
So my loneliness at night has been a growing problem between us for a long time. Yesterday, he said that he's been ''upset'' since 1994 when he lost a bus. deal, so what, that's almost our whole M. This goes really deep down into the trenches here......
I think he is trying to keep me stored up like you say! He told me some of the mean things he said he didn't mean the way I interpreted them. They where said to first, back me off, and they were ment to be in a ''spiritual manner of speaking''. wtf does that mean...I call it trying to cover your a$$!
So when you said your not my H, that was spiritually speaking? I wish I knew someone who could interrupt BS, they would make loads of money.
Your right these guys are something else, and they think we are the ones with the problems! Pot, meet kettle!
Your have a great dinner, make him take you somewhere expensive! Be a princes for the day, even though your date is a toad!
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
So my loneliness at night has been a growing problem between us for a long time. Yesterday, he said that he's been ''upset'' since 1994 when he lost a bus. deal, so what, that's almost our whole M. This goes really deep down into the trenches here......
this is the kind of thing that freaks me out- MY H SAID HE's been unhappy for ten years (wtf) my comment at time was "well, were you going to say anything to ME?????" WHAT WERE YOU WAITING FOR????? he replied something like it was not that cut and dry- wtf again. happy - not happy - pretty cut and dry. if you're not happy- f'ing try something??? say something???? do something - don just sit there making a fool of other jerk. it was around when he quit smoking- then quit working- spinning out of control i guess.... who knows if they don't tell us??? i'm askin ya???
anyway- see what i mean- you saying that- that is approx. my timeline again- as usual - wtf again???? i say that alot don't I??? these guys -
my h has revised history in his brain.
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but work came before me.
his work always came before me- i even bought into it- afterall - it paid both our e3xpenses and supported our life- it is/was important. to make me feel like it was more important - not so good. to him i guess it was across the board more important. now in retrospect- since he's been flirting at office and having somekind of significant r there- WELL, OF COURSE IT DID.
WHAT - ME HOLD GRUDGES - i don't know- who can forget this stuff? i may not feel hate- but i don't think i'll ever not remember it all.
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I think he is trying to keep me stored up like you say! He told me some of the mean things he said he didn't mean the way I interpreted them. They where said to first, back me off,
HOLY CROW - I KNOW you're sick of hearing me sayit- but i have to marvel at how your h is willing to speak- even a spew which i know hurts - buti s real genuine words & "touching" each other, even if verbally. your h is waaaay more "in touch" with you and apparently wants to be - than mine. i compare here: - i get jokey comments in life, treatment okay, temperment nice & helpful or pleasant - but ANYTHING OF REAL substance? NO NO NONO. never one word tht actually is just heartfelt and means something.
of course - now i have to remember tsqr or mr bond saying i need to listen harder - now i'm worrying i've missed every single 'MESSAGE" that was embedded in a joke or comment or action for years and years. WHAT - me accept blame - that's me - an apologizing machine here.
i cannot read between the lines anymore. if there are no words to guide me- and i am wrong for 35 years of reading the actions - what the heck do i go by.???
I CAN'T EVEN find the damn north star- no wonder i'm always lost & at sea!!! thar she blows me hearty ......
I'D KILl to hear him revisit anything he'd said that was rotten and tell me it was "geared to back me off" and not strictly accurate. every rotten thing he said - and there have not been millions - but maybe a dozen and they are real whammers - that tear your guts out and throw them in the street- and he probably doesn't even remember saying them (that's how unimportant it is to him what i'm feeling or what he does to me) HONESTLY- NOT even important enough for hm to remember) if i'm honest about him-i'd say he doesn't even know what he said.
lies pour out i guess in every direction and now that i'm saying it - maybe there is no "real him" inside. maybe he's just this little lying machine that marches forward saying to self "get what you want - get what ou want - have fun - you are only one that matters" "people only exist for your amusement" and so on. iiiiiick.
if that is him "finding himself" screwing ow- than he's a sad spectacle of a person. he can't talk or be honest or even be honest with himself- yet is willing to blame it all on me-
i'd say maybe that is the one thing you have in your h - a person who at least WANTS to share what he's feeling - even if it's all wierd and unfathomable and so on. he feels the need to have you understand - which i'd translate into him caring what you think and feel- sorry or not sorry- as you wish to hear - but it seems that way compared to my H.
THO - as i say it aloud to you again, i'm forced to consider this h of mine in light of snodderly's observations about a nazi parent and him never feeling heard- it's true. it's something i can find in his talking about his youth & father & mother- so she's rite. i'm looking at a person who never was heard maybe - felt mighty mad and sad about it- and so does not share his feelings AT ALL - unless they are lies and what the other person wants to hear.
he spouts love to this jacka$s ow - he's only got "care a great deal" for me- wtf??? how am i supposed to feel pity for him and understanding - STILL AND FOREVER - when he's such a screwed up jerk? i'm asking ya-
YOU KNOW THIS ANSWER - because you feel same as me alot of time- and YET there's that something that ties you.
ONE OF THESE YEARS YOU AND I are going to have to decide if we're nuts or them??? i'm voting them- but we've got something going on with us. willingness to accept this junk? accept other humanbeings as they are? oh man- too heavy- more cake please.
so what i think, so what my sitch has been- then i think of the darn things in mwd book about it all and how my life fits every stinking little nuance & observation. it makes me insane.
my gut says run away and run fast. my brain says: well, look at this, listen to them, it's EXACTLY like everyone else and the darn book- [b]if it's so "textbook mlc" it must be it. [/b]if the statistics say 75% of these guys regain sanity at some point- no wonder you're hanging in there like a demented dog with a weird master. waitin for a bone-----\\
is it me rationalizing be3cause i'm lazy??? is it me rationalizing because i am addicted to notion of "my life" and someone in it I love and loves me?
YEAH- THE BIG QUESTION - am i nuts to be doing this? merely prolonging the agony- or sticking with the agony i know instead of possible new and unknown agony.
THEN - DA DA DUMMMMMMMM - DO I suck this junk up and am i more comfortable being a doormat - AND A WHOLE LOT OF WIERD psycho jumble that probably might apply- probalby might not=- jibber , jabber, bang bang bang (either of us banging our heads on the wall)
okay- now that you've pointed out the flaws (some) in my thinking and certain other enlightening factors - i'm off to ignore it all and get the heck a life rite now. i SHOULD clean- but i find myself resisting doing any of the nice stuff i did out of love (sad but true) and now don't want to do for enjoyment of hm & anyone else. petty ratty girl.
so- maybe i'll do something fun (& guilt) and then do one stinking chore becasue he pays the bills - and call it even.
wtf- did paul simon know what he was sayin or what "still crazy after all these years" - that's me.
xxoo have a wonderful day- keep the faith, i hear it in your "voice" - words from beyond the deep freezer - where we languish- who knows when the day will come when we have had it- or they will either fly right off their hinges or not - maybe today we can appreciate the "sameness" and lack of huge drama (somewhat) in that? one more day of whatever the heck this is- is it somethign? what? pollyanna rearing her ugly insane head again?????
SOO- TODAY- DO YOU AND I LAUGH BECAUSE OF THIS INSANITY???? OR DO we cry??? i'm thinking laugh- because as im saying this all- i'm also thinking "it is what it is" and i'm too tired to even analyze it anymore.
is it me rationalizing be3cause i'm lazy??? is it me rationalizing because i am addicted to notion of "my life" and someone in it I love and loves me?
Nero, it's you hurt, confused, disappointed, disillusioned! Your very normal and your feelings matter, their not weird or wrong, you didn't do anything wrong and if your anything like me, that's the killer!
I will never forgive the dedication and veracity he has shown me when describing his R w/ea. Even though they are not in a PA the EA is still that much more sometimes. All he ever says is it's not about me, it's about him, this him who I don't know, and doesn't want me.
See, we are longing for the ''other guy'' and they have put him away, and only ''he'' loves us, respects us, wants us, and will be right for us. I try to look at this backward when I'm down. It's me who doesn't want this "guy" in front of me, what about this a$$ would I want in my life.
If your H is going to peek out, and if mine is starting too, then it is up to them to do the work. I feel it is up to me to be myself, be kind, respectful, and try to be receptive to any positive change he tries to put in front of me.
That doesn't mean in the end I have to except him or go back to my life with him. For me it just means standing my ground, doing what's best for me and if he wants to figure out a way to fit himself into my life, and I feel it is good for me, then step by step we will maybe move forward.
To what....that depends on me, not him! Can he evolve enough to be better than he was, cause I'm not settling for what was, I don't think so. Can he reinvent himself and become a functioning man with L, and respect, maturity, empathy, humility, and loyalty, I don't think so! Can your h..that's something you need be shown, unless your as pessimistic as I.
So, maybe you say why are we still in this fight? Are we really though...or are we stuck and being forced to feel our way though. I know I'm stuck! Money be dambed I would have left...I would leave tom. You and I have the gift of time with these guys, they are not pushing or upheaving our lives (other than removing themselves).
Do you want h to walk through that door and say, "this is crazy...I'm sorry...M me Nero...ILU...and I want to commit to you forever...forgive me and let me spend the rest of my life making it up to you and L you''! Now really if he did that would you, could you forgive, get past, move forward and trust in your future w/him?
If that's what your holding out for you may very well get it...I can't say your H won't come around (maybe not as well as I just did) but in his way, in a way that is expectable to your R.
Sorry if I'm coming on to strong but these are the facts I put in front of myself. If my H said those words to me I can't say without a doubt I would go for it. I can only say I am still here and I will walk (sometimes crawl) my way through this because the only one I care about in the end is me and what is best for me!
The day YOU hear me say in the end I care about what's best for ''us'' you will know I am seeing his efforts and together we are going to make it work. What about you, are you going make your changes for yourself and let him watch you and want you? Become the ow and turn the tables, become that fantasy he's chasing.
I know you want the L from him back, be the best you for you, he will see it. It's like sex, you ever hear that if what your doing feels good to you, then don't worry if it feels good for your partner, it does!
If he is too stupid to keep you then you are just that much more ready to find someone who will L you. I know you hate to think that far, and it's icky to think about guys in general, but it's not impossible.
Enjoy your time together! Best advice ever...
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ow is irrelevant to my sitch with my H. I don't care about her. She is meaningless to me and to whatever R I create with my H. I can see how she is an obstacle to him coming back, but she is not an obstacle to me anymore. I am the better choice, I know that now, and if H chooses to see that, great. And if not, his loss."
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
i JUST CAME back up here from bottom of this note to you- i want to say THANKS FOR THIS CHAT this morning. was a bit dreary & bummed (birthday and stupid card) but aftetr "talking" to you about this- hearing what you say that is sooooo similar to what i feel and say (or would want to say) i think okay, we can do this. if she can do this- i can do this- we don't have to know EXACTLY why we are- or WHAT we are- we can just go along another day or two- and just be who we are.
(AND H ONESTLY - i think we are pretty special & dedicated girls) if our moronic h's do not appreciate what they are looking at - it's their loss honestly. (even if insanity & mlc induced stupidity) i even feel sorry for them this morning - to have women like us that can say what we say honestly- and they cannot even "get it" - poor sobs - true we're wasted on them at the moment-may or may not ever find someone wonderfull enough for us - but look at them. have it in their face and can't even stop and SEEE......have what people everywhere yearn for- and too dumb to kn ow.
gotta run
i believe what you say too about being me- I FEEL seriously like he's been trying to change me into something of his own creation for all these years (while i've been accepting him as he is) he's been pressuring me (without me even stopping to acknowledge it) into what he wants. HE WANTS - HE WANTS - HE WANTS - the overriding (it seems now) theme of our life togeth3er ()maybe. ( i'm not being fair- formany many years i've felt very special and lucky- he can be wonderful companion if he chooses to be so...DAMN!!!!!!!)
AW - ANYWAY- thanks for chat. i feel better - i'll go have a good darn birthday and scr_w it all- this is MY LIFE and he's messing it around at the moment- but one day it will all stabilize for better or worse- and when the time comes i'll do what i have to do. it's like i try to convey to my stupid sister who is so mad at me for "not having a plan about my mother" (???) and 'NOT DUMPINT h right this minute" - wtf will any of it accomplish? i'm still me feeling what i feel. my mother is 88 - she'll live on, or she'll die (JUST LIKE ME AND YOU AND EVERYONE) - HOW DO YOU PLAN for what you cannot forsee????? H - HE'LL BE what he is- it'll hurt me no matter what i do or don't do- since all i'm doing now is recuperating frommy devastation and it's not going to i prove alot over nite no matter what - if he changed tomorrow i'll have aftermath feelings that are bad - if he doesn't- same deal-
LIFE - IT'S sure a constant surprise isn't it? who gets to have their "plan" work out - i'm asking you. i've been plan-less for 62 years and have to admit myl ife has been better than most i've seen - so i'm assuming whatever has happened so far- is juST my JOURNEY (I'M getting to like this journey philosophy) to make and i'm on the trail.
no one can fix it or me or anything - myself included - i've got to plug thru whatever comes and find a way to just go forward. WOO HOO - i can say now i'm not ready to lay down and die today- who the heck knows what i might do???
i don't seem very irratic - BUT I CAN TELL YOU - deep inside- even i don't know what i might do next. i have that one little tiny 'THING" inside of me- the "out of the box" little thing- i can feel it there- that "just might do anything- any time" thing. it's why i'm so able to believe almost anyone is capable of almost anything- because, hone3stly- i am. i think i can do things i can't even imagine myself- i just know it.
oh well---- now the sad responsive JUNK - I'VE MOVED PAST NOW. THANKS to you =- ohhhhh- happy birthday to me, happy birthday tome - i have not one expectation for this year except that i'm not dead - and am not likely to be any time soon (batrring some giant intervention from - da da dummmmmm - LIFE) EEEEK
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To what....that depends on me, not him! Can he evolve enough to be better than he was, cause I'm not settling for what was, I don't think so. Can he reinvent himself and become a functioning man with L, and respect, maturity, empathy, humility, and loyalty, I don't think so! Can your h..that's something you need be shown, unless your as pessimistic as I.
i am very sorry to report i probably am - as pessimistic. i can see when we're together- that this guy is not the one i loved. this guy has been tryign to squish me into some mold of his choosing- i don't fit. when he smirks at the tv because someone is talkign about marriage - i'd like to get the frying pan out and wack his noggin. he's such a jerk- he's too AFRAID to have ever had the strength of his conviction or love to try- still crying about his parents- GOD - GROW UP!!! JERKY part is - i've thought i don't think i can just go back to what we were- if he can't commit in a big way- BUT i've also thought would i even marry him knowing what he is now? not sure either - so like the monkey with his fist in the jar- don't want to let go of the nut- but can't pull my hand out with it -
ta da - my life at a glance ...
the birthday card was funny- i kind of hate funny cards. i didn't say that. i guess it's nicer than nothing- butnot by much. i feel icky but determined to not let it be a downer day. he put a "coupon" in it for a gift of my choosing- i guess again, a nice gesture.
i don't like being such an ingrate - i hate this treating me nicely but neutral. i wonder if it would be worse if he even spewed and blasted out of my life. probably not by much- this is just death by a thousand cuts rather than just slicing my head off. oh well - cheery birthday thoughts this morning. oh o.k. - i'm going to quit it and be glad every single moment isn't "war" which i hated the times it got there. sorry i said it even - it is way nicer tonot have someone inspecting you every single moment for flaws and reasons to pick- GEEEEz - COULD I have even forgotten how ratty he was for a bunch of years. \ isn't it sad and awful that we can actually get used to being treated like jerks - well, me anyway- and make some neutral excuses to self about what it is (back when being trusting) and continue and continue. looking back- i can see alot of things i am amazed at how happy i felt all the time (just me i guess) when it was not always soooo rosey. okay- done looking back - nothing good to be found there today.
dum de dum..... tra laaaa...
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Sorry if I'm coming on to strong but these are the facts I put in front of myself. If my H said those words to me I can't say without a doubt I would go for it. I can only say I am still here and I will walk (sometimes crawl) my way through this because the only one I care about in the end is me and what is best for me!
you're not at all being "too strong" -it's true- i've thought it a thousand times myself. would i say yes? would i want to commit to what i now know he is? ONLY PROBLEM is i don't believe there is someone else out there to fit my needs (grubby grubby me) and wonder if he is the best there is for me. for sooooo long i've been soooooo sure of his value to me - my life. i don't believe he has it in him to change - maybe if i were out of his life for a few years and he realized what it meant to not have me there in the background.
if i'm honest - it's a coin toss - whether he'd realize he misses me - or very happily just switch loyalties. he is a block-headed guy- quite capable of either- realization or total delusion. i cannot make the call anymore. (i lean towards him just "plugging in" a new person into his life where i used to sit - JUST LIKE WHEN THE MICROWAVE GOT STOLEN- HE JUST bought a new one and plugged it in and life went on. that's what i think h is reaction would be - (well, at least what he is sure it would be- and probably would make reality whether he liked it or not)
i USED TO Have a great deal of faith in his brain- now, sadly i do not. I go around (like him probably) feeling mighty superior when it comes to wisdom - he thinks himself so smart - but i look at him and see he deals with people and life on the same level as my four year old neice - . well, i do her wrong- even she seems to get it when consequences are explained.
i have no faith in his ability or desire to change anything to have me in his life. he takes me totally for granted and attaches not much apparent value. if i had to guess - i think he thinks he's being nice and riding it out til i leave him. what that means or accomplishes i cannot imagine in his brain. all he wants is what he wants rite now-
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If he is too stupid to keep you then you are just that much more ready to find someone who will L you. I know you hate to think that far, and it's icky to think about guys in general, but it's not impossible.
yeah- i know- itis icky but not impossible. strangely - i don't think too bleakly about the future. the only thought i really get over and over is that i'm selling my life short if i settle for just this forever more. on the one hand i am not averse to a life of complacency and not big EXCITEMENT - AND ALL THE THINgs that come with a long time relationship-
BVUT THE NO overt love and affection- i just don't see it. it's too hard on the nerves really- today i cannot even imagine wtf aboutanything. last nite in bed this guy rolls over near me for a back scratch a bit- wtf -i do it, if it's his way of getting close without commitment (MUCH LIKE A BIG DOG - REALLY...) why would he want to? i cannot reconcile this guy with that guy and that other guy and so on.
ONLY PROBLEM is i don't believe there is someone else out there to fit my needs (grubby grubby me) and wonder if he is the best there is for me
Really? Do you believe there is only one person, ever, that can do that?
I have to say, that surprises me. I think you have the habit of loving just one. But it's just a habit I think.
I also think, until you get it in your head that you're worth it and that others will see that (they will and likely do), then you'll be stuck. What you want is still tied to who he was. If he can't or won't be that person, then it really is up to you to move past that. Come what may.
Although not what you planned, it is where you are and what has come. That was yesterday. Today is your birthday and it sounds like it may be time for a new birth, of sorts.
You are worth it.
What do you think?
Peace, AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
you are most probably correct. i admit that what i have here is a "habit" - and i've lately been thinking of as my own little "addiction" that needs kicking.
i've watched some alcoholics and smokers around me trying and trying- i'd liken my situation to theirs. no more or less.
it's a bummer and hard - they try and fail and then some succeed- i hope for success too.
i know what you are saying and say it to myself- my outlook is generally good i think- tho, i don't want to go to the "too optimistic" place. i can also be very very overly-romantic in my outlook- i'd say i need to t one that down a bit in life.
maybe part of why i'm where i am? just too much positive spin on things that are merely real life?
don't know- i guess you're right about other people for me- and i do not totally rule it out. i just have a notion lately i've managed to be on the "outs" with everyone in my life it would seem- they don't like me not being who i usually am (happy little doormat). wehre that all lands up i don't know-
Just wanted to stop by and wish you a happy birthday!
I know the funny card wasn't exactly what you wanted, but at least he did acknowledge it was your birthday. Which for a selfish, self-centered, everything is all about me all the time MCLer is a big deal!
Hope you had a good rest of the day, and did something special for yourself
Bomb January 2012 - doesn't feel the same about me
~ "There is nothing love cannot face; there is no limit to its faith, hope, and endurance."
when he smirks at the tv because someone is talkign about marriage - i'd like to get the frying pan out and wack his noggin. he's such a jerk- he's too AFRAID to have ever had the strength of his conviction or love to try- be careful of the man that acts childish to even a hint of commitment....he doesn't want it...at least right now. He is showing his rebelliousness toward the whole idea of acting like an adult.
He is not a happy man, he is a juvenile living out what he thinks is the time of his life. Regardless of outward appearances of "happiness"...if he/ they don't honestly repair the relationships that they broke with such callous disregard, they can NOT find their way back.
He is not trying to repair anything with you, he's bringing you along for the ride to be part of his fantasy, until your not fun, or your turn is over. You will know when you want off his merry go round, and you won't care what he thinks or does about it.
Scratch his back....he counts on your care...what is Nero counting on. I get he pays the bills so you clean, cook a little, me to, it's become a partnership, a necessary in life for him and me. H needs that from you to, why else would he always keep going to NJ, is there really anything there for him other than his fix for whatever he gets from you?
But, in the end what are you getting besides hurt. He has become your casual bf that you see on occasion, no real commitment, which is cool if it wasn't a downgrade to what you had. My r with h is a downgrade, yea were pleasant enough but I could have this with the mailman.
I'll be perfectly open here and say I really miss ML. I am a 45yr. old with no worries of children, weight loss, experience, and a healthy appetite, and it is pissing me off. I always had a healthier appetite than h, even though he's the one who cheated 2yrs ago. He did that because he has ED, and of course he had to see if it was me. Well, it wasn't and he just embarrassed himself, truthfully there was a secret part of me that understood his frustration.
I don't know what to do with this...his offer wasn't very enticing, I tried to consider keeping it physical and then go back to your couch, but idk. Even as a booty call it doesn't feel right.
I read here how will we know when we're done....when we don't have to ask. I have very little hope here, how about you? At least your h is keeping up with himself and being active, could you remain casual as long as you get to do your thing to? I know we both want that one thing that's driving us crazy...love! Crazy stupid love!
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
thanks for the birthday wish - it's a funny thing- how we feel about and on our birthdays. my DAY WAS NICE. we went to flea market (love it) h was in a snit of a mood - i ignored it best i could- then went out with a friend to just cruise around - shop a bit - coffee, etc. it was very nice. we hadn't visited in a long long time. then came home and went to my neices for dinner & that was pleasant also. all in all a good birthday.
the card - it's true- it was something. I know it - and i do/did appreciate the fact that he bothered. it was one of those old lady cartoon cards - i hate them in general - cannot see what the appeal is - i'm way more the farside type or something at least quirky or cute. oh well- i know- don't get to pick do we?
he'd been "bitc_y" in the morning- it's the thing i find least able to tolerate nicely. i just turn off- and it's such a wierd thing for me to feel and be. (i don't like the feeling of me being changed - i am tho) I cannot even try to be nice or try anything like my old self - just run for cover and stay mum and iron doors close in front of heart.
that makes me less than generous. i know it's because he can't reach ow . knowing it makes me feel really really icky - even in my less caring state of mind- knowing still registers. this business of him being happy acting & all nice when he's spoken to her - is creepy too. i know what's going on - - it takes away my generousity when viewing his being nice. i don't show it- but i k now it.
it's dopey and tangled and i know everyone will say I need to WILL MYSELF to not even think what his motivation ever is- i'm trying that too. the knowledge flits thru my mind- i don't obsess about it like i used to - but it is there.
oh well huh? anyway- another birthday down the tubes and my girlfriend was assuring me that my "new year" begins on my birthday- not new year morning.(which began in emergency room of hospital with my mother - so i was all set to not expect much with a beginning like that. problem is - then it begins with a "lecture" from h about , my personality. i didn't even get mad or anything tho- merely thanked him for the personality critique and went on my way. ta da i do improve daily. i can see it
toss up wouldn't you say- which is a better or worse beginning. i think i'm just going to have NO darn expectation of anything this year and begin my day over today. as well as my year. YAY-
ANYTHING MAY HAPPEN and I may do anything - my matra for 2013
thanks for comment tho- it's true and i do remind myself continually that it could be aheck of alot worse. and h could be a heck of alot worse, etc.
