Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Time to roll up the sleeves

Goal #10

Install larger Hot Water heater tank...

As long as you don't take it anywhere and know how bad an idea it is. Hell we all want validation and to know we're worthy of someone else's attention.

Funny that I had this exact same thought and conversation Friday night. Being a stander is a lonely place sometimes but we choose to do it and I believe we're doing it for the right reasons...

Strange, most my dreams lately involve Kate Upton, a purple unicorn, bigfoot, and KITT (the car for you youngsters). Let your imaginations run with that for a minute...

Better Kitt than David Hasselhoff

Funny, I'm dreaming about sasquatch a lot too. I wonder where that came from.

Sorry I've been stuck on Kate Upton

Something that is becoming more apparent to me is how two things have been consistent over the last few years in our R.

1 - W has been very picky about everything. I often stop and think to myself, would i bother picking up on something like that. This is quite telling, she must have been slowly getting more an more unhappy and finding reason to start finding fault. We are talking tiny things at times like, leaving something in the wrong place. Rather than moving it like I would, W makes the effort to point it out in a very patronising way.

2 - Less fun. Because of the above, I feel on edge and the atmosphere is not great. I am not so happy, maybe a little stressed. So I don't make jokes, have fun, even a joke by W is taken the wrong way by me. So the fun is not there any more. Its an unhappy household.

In turn, this makes W feel unhappy and she probably goes back to point 1 and starts being more picky. See where I am going with this?

Nothing at all wrong with that but you'll know you're starting to become detached when Bigfoot enters the dream. Now the unicorn I'm not sure I can explain...Maybe I'm just a little off in the head.


Not sure. Hopefully you're saying either
(1)I'm going to be the one to change and in doing that her actions and reactions will have to change (butterfly affect)
And
(2)I won't let (2) happen anymore because her reactions don't have any affect on me and I will continue to have a PMA.

Am I close?

Sounda like part of the script to me.
Denial and anger.

Ya. When I was unhappy with myself, I used to do the same. Find fault with all the little things so I could bring others into my unhappiness. Then H would say something and then he could be at fault. Vicious little circle.

If you feel totally on edge waiting for this, you would not be a lot of fun, would you? What do you suggest to diffuse this back and forth? She is getting some sort of reinforcement from it or it wouldn't continue. Perhaps she is making you feel bad, sad and angry enough that your emotions leak through (ie no fun no jokes and that is enough for her?)

My bet is if you can change this dynamic, she will head to 1 less and less.

No one does something over and over unless there is a payoff. What is her payoff here?

Yes, absolutely. I am trying very hard to change the things I have been doing that prompt these picky episodes, but some are pure human error which I don't think can be avoided. When these occur I am going to not react, and simply admit fault or agree with W (if she has a valid point).

To get there I need to also lighten the mood in the house, relax a little and humour W. it's kind of working, at the moment when she finds us having a good joke and laugh she will tend to end it by calling me something rude, in a lighthearted but 'end the joke' way. I think this is a baby step, as she is relaxing having fun, but recognising that and trying to stop herself.