Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Still treading water #4

Thanks again FY. I agree that the WAS shouldn't be pressured with questions. Through all of the times W has gone back and forth from our bed to couch, I have never once asked why she slept somewhere else. This time it just feels different. It just seems to me that there had to be some sort of trigger. I know I posted that I thought it was that I was "avoiding" her all weekend but how do I know for sure. And if that is the answer then that would let me know that maybe I have gone too far in the "withdrawing" direction.

I see no harm in asking her. I don't see it as pursuing at all. Of course, you will want to make sure you are asking her at the "right" time. Pick a time when she is less likely to be stressed. You also would need to make sure that you personally are having a good day, too. You don't want her to feel anything negative coming from you.

Good questions, Grizz. It's true, your W pulling back might mean that she feels neglected, just when she is starting to feel closer to you. Then again, it could be that she feels like things were moving too quickly and she didn't want to rush things. I know MWD talks about sticking with a technique long enough to get an accurate read on the results, so you might want to give it some more time. But I suppose that if it is only pushing her away, it's logical that you might want to make yourself a bit more available to her and see where she takes it from there.

Ok, so I asked her. She said "is it really any different than sleeping as far apart in the bed as possible?"
Me: I was just wondering what changed to make you leave again. It must be a little different since you chose to go somewhere else.

W: it's just not as weird if I sleep somewhere else. Most of the time I would just fall asleep in the bed waiting on the kids to go to sleep. ( definitely not true).

So i guess maybe there is no reason it just seems so random to me ( unless you take into account how the weekend went).
Now it doesn't seem that things were getting better like I thought over the past several weeks. Oh well.

Grizz, after I started sleeping in our guest br, I found I could sleep a lot better because I wasn't focused on where my wife was in the bed. I didn't feel like she was pinned as far away from me as she could get. I didn't lie there wondering what was going on inside her. When we were in the same bed, I sometimes could not sleep one wink because of my obsession about the situation.

I think sleeping separately actually helped me after a while. I could be by myself and it was peaceful in there. Your wife may be feeling something like that.

She says things don't feel right to her. You'll have to let her experience that and get through it. The longer she sees you hold on to the positive changes you have made, the more she will be comfortable with you. Then she might start to warm up to you again.

Try to not focus as much on her and what she is doing. I know it is hard. I am not successful at it most days, but I AM getting better at it.

Make sure you are loving and accommodating to her needs. Try to not let her actions drive yours. If you change each time she changes, you become unpredictable. Set your course and stay with it. Be loving and predictable.

But, make sure you are GAL, too!

I agree with Pathfinder on this one, Grizz. Remember, she has mixed feelings about the situation, as well. And definitely focus on maintaining consistency. One of the things WASs say is that they see the changes, but can't be sure they are permanent. So don't backslide. Show her that you're in it for the long haul.



Exactly. Remember to detach and stay positive and upbeat, no matter what she is feeling or how she acts.



This is key. Focus on yourself, because you're the only person whose behaviors you can control. Try not to take the odd bump in the road to heart.

I was getting the same vibes from my wife. It seemed to be going good, the she turned cold for some reason and I never new why. I gave her space, she became upset that I was gone all day. I invited her and the boys to go to the farmers market.. NO, Did you want to go to the Zoo? NO. How about Costco as we need some diapers? NO. Sounded like a child.

So I took our oldest to the zoo and the market as she went to Costco with our youngest. She wants space but gets angry when im away?? So just be pleasant, kind and live your life the best you can for yourself and your children. Hopefully she will want join you on your happy journey sometime.

Those darned expectations, they'll get you every time!! I think I've mentioned this before, but your sitch reminds me a lot of mine before S. Things seemed to be getting better, I had huge expectations that we were on the road to recovery. But whenever I reached out to W for a temp check it was clear she wasn't thinking the same thing. She still wanted to leave and still felt like the M was hopeless, even though it SEEMED like she was trying. We even continued to ML. Just before W moved out she started finding all kinds of excuses not to sleep in bed with me.

Things may have to get worse (S) before they get better.

AS, maritimer, Papa and PF2, thank you all for your input. I do need some insight and encouragement right now.

PF2, W had about a week straight where she stayed in the other room and I was actually ok with it at night because I expected it. This going back and forth, not know what to expect is what gets me. And also as AS stated, I guess I had expectations that things were improving where obviously they were not.

AS, long ago I read your sitch and we are similar. It still makes me ill to read your last sentence. I sooo do not want to S but it is not my choice to make.

Playing softball tonight so I will be away this evening. Maybe she will be asleep when I get home. It is hard to have her in bed with me until the kids go to sleep and then she gets up takes her pillow and says a sweet "goodnight". That breaks my heart.

I have been thinking about BD. Months prior to BD, W became depressed and withdrawn (due to a multitude of things). I tried to "fix" things, I became needy and it turned into a viscous cycle between the two of us. She said she wanted me to act "normal".

PON has previously mentioned that he heard the same thing from his W.

My question is how in the he!! Do I act "normal" while also giving her space? Like tonight, she texted me to say she was taking the kids to the mall to eat supper. For me to act normal this meant I would show up at the mall and eat with them. Be happy to see everyone after work and enjoy eating together. But to give her space would mean to just say ok and me pick up something to eat on the way to play softball.

So, thinking about the "normal" comment I texted back, I think I will have time to swing by and eat with you guys prior to playing ball. And that is what I did. Supper was un-eventful. We were friendly, talked and I left to play ball.

My question is, how to act "normal" but still give space? Did I bust the DBing?