Her specific complaints about the marriage, thus far, have been varied. One, she says I am emotionally distant.
Whatever you do, DO NOT go dark on her! Michele warns in DR that if you were emotionally distant in the M, then going dark is just going to be "more of the same" behavior. Right now you need to show her 180's- the opposite of what you've been doing wrong.
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Next, she says I don't keep up with my fair share of household duties including childcare.
Sounds like you're doing a 180 on this, good. But you have got to stick with it, she needs to see the 180's a long time before she'll get over this:
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Also, she says that I am incapable of change.
You've got to SHOW her otherwise. Don't TELL her because she won't believe it. As 25 says, "consistent actions + time = change your S can believe in"
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She says that being a "single parent" will be better for our daughter than being in a loveless house.
My response is that our house is very loving, but I will be happy to do what it takes to make it better.
Read up on validating, you need to validate her. When she says it's a "loveless house" and you say "our house is very loving" you just invalidated her emotions and feelings. You told her that she's wrong. Validation is not agreeing or disagreeing, merely confirming that her feelings have value. It's saying something like "I hear you saying you feel we live in a loveless house, I can understand that and I'm sorry you feel that way."
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I had no idea she was so far gone!
Few of us do. That's pretty typical.
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We have had the long, drawn-out fights, as well as some long, seemingly productive conversations.
Neither of those is helping at this point (especially the fighting). You need to pull back and give her time and space. NO long convos! NO R talk at all!
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I have written letters, e-mails, and texts.
Pressure, pressure, pressure. Stop applying the pressure.
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She says I'm just throwing myself into this to save us, and as soon as she agrees to work on it, I will go back to my old ways. She believes I am incapable of change.
And she has good reason to think that based on your history. What she doesn't know is that you CAN change. I know you can, because I've already done it myself. There's nothing like BD to motivate us to do something! We can reverse decades of bad habits practically overnight after BD. The problem is our W's just don't believe it's real. Right after BD my W was angry about my changes, she told me recently that she was mad that it took BD for me to change, that if it was so easy why didn't I do it a long time ago? She eventually figured out it was because I didn't know she wanted those changes, but before that she was just mad about it.
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the need for constant communication, which I can see is paradoxically pushing her away.
Exactly. DB'ing is counterintuitive because our brains are telling us to do the opposite of what we really need to do.
Like many of us early on in our sitches, you're probably expecting some big changes now that you're DB'ing. Don't. Just drop all expectations. It might be months before you see even tiny baby steps. This is a marathon, not a sprint. Settle in for the long haul!
One, she says I am emotionally distant. Next, she says I don't keep up with my fair share of household duties including childcare. Also, she says that I am incapable of change.
The emotionally distant and overworking I think go hand in hand. Also, if you're training in the medical field and have to wall off your emotions during the day, it becomes difficult to turn them back on to feel close to your W. My H is always working and is in the emergency field and his emotional distance was a huge issue in our M.
Have you read Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnson? It was recommended here by another poster here - get it & read it. You'll learn what true emotional closeness is and how you can achieve it. That, along with the 5 LL have been the two most eye-opening books so far.
Sounds kind of hopeless if what I'm supposed to do is also what's making things worse.
Do not pursue. That said, be available when she initiates communication, then validate and be the new you.
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
There are ways to be charming and effusive and a great conversationalist without pursuing HER, specifically.
Basically, she has fired you as her husband (or, more accurately, notified you of her INTENT to fire you). You need to respect that, and -- as others have stated -- give her her space right now. But there are ways to be present without being pursuing.
