My W moved back home in November after moving out 13 months before. Her moving home coincided with my taking a two month business trip. She had been talking about coming home since last May, but refused to do anything about it until I said I was leaving for a while.
Not exactly how I pictured the reconciliation, but I figured any step in that direction was a good one. I've been home now for about a week and a half and she's still there. Life's not rosy by any means, half of the time she acts like she'd rather be somewhere else, but I'm trying to be patient.
In any case, I'm not seperated anymore and I guess what we are doing qualifies as "Piecing our Marriage back together again" so I'm moving here. Besides, Hacker, Mal and Z told me I should.
Let's see if I can remember how to link my threads, been a while since I bothered.
As you can see, I'm not real imaginative with my titles, but I did steal a line from Hacker for this one. He thinks moving will put me in a better frame of mind.
Here's the rest of the update stuff:
-Married 23years(24 years next month) S22,D21,S18. -Separated Aug99 because of job. We wanted kids to stay put to go thru H.S.
-Nov 01 Six months before I'm due to come back W says she doesn't want me to come back. Doesn't want to stay married. She literally can't talk to me w/o screaming. (I'm such an idiot, I thought things were going pretty darn well right up to this point.)
-Dec 01 Called in some favors and tell her I can move back in Spring 02 instead of Summer. She says she definitely wants a divorce.
-Apr 02 Get back home, she goes to stay w/friends. I ask her to not get D until we've had a chance to work it out now that I'm back.
-May 02 read DR then DB, start applying principles. W still not talking to me. I find out about her affair. Evidently started sometime summer or fall of 01.
-Jun 02 I ask if she wants it to work. I'll try if she stops affair. I think this is when we had our first civil conversation since Nov 01.
-Aug 02 Finally give up and tell her I'll give her D. Now she says she doesn't want one. Says A is over and she just needs more time. Still staying w/ a friend.
-Oct 02 W comes home says she wants to try. The next day says she can't do it and she's found an apt. Leaves again mid-Oct. Total stay approx 10 days.
Jan 03: Says she needs more time. Leave her alone.
Mar-Apr O3: Starts poking her head out of the fog. Showing some interest. She makes plans to return to Ohio with me and the kids for my sister's wedding in June.
May 03: I see her with her old "friend" she swears it was nothing. I say I'm done and will start the D. She says she plans to move back home after the trip to Ohio if everything goes well between us.
Jun 03: Trip goes well. W says "Well I didn't mean I'd move home right away!" Suggests MC.
Jul 03: Frequent contact. Actually have a date. Seem to have a good time together although most contact centers around the kids and their activities. Third MC appointment, I'm upset with W distancing herself a little so she says "I don't care if we are married or not." I walk out. She claims not to have remembered saying that. Begs me to "hang in there."
Aug 03: I'm still a sucker. Waiting around. She keeps saying she's "almost ready" to reconcile. Says we'll try MC again...but she hasn't lifted a finger to progress toward those goals...
Oct 03: I get tabbed for a 2-3 month long trip for my job, W says "OK, I'll come home while you are gone and we'll talk about things when you get back." Didn't ask me just decided on her own. (Not that it would have made any difference...LOL)
Nov 03: W moves in the day before I leave. Actually doesn't get everything out of her apartment until the day after I'm gone.
Nov 03 thru Jan 04: W is at home, some minor incidents w/the kids. She gets frustrated and frequently takes it out on me over the phone when I call. They did all get together for Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year.
Jan 04: I return. She's still here, but doesn't want to talk about anything yet. She spends some time with me, but usually when it involves the kids.
The saga continues. For the most part, it's good to have her home again. She's still depressed, but there are subtle signs that things are improving. My problem is that the signs are very subtle and this has already lasted much longer than I ever imagined.
To tell you the truth, I'm really tired. Tired of seeing her so down, tired of trying to "cheer her up" and mostly tired of her general lack of enthusiasm toward our relationship.
I often get the feeling that she's only here because she doesn't like the alternative. I have to resist the temptation to pin her down on what the heck we are doing?...or worse, tell her that if this is the way it's going to be, why don't you just leave now?
Funny, I remember someone telling me, early on, that I wasn't a good DBer and they were right. I've had a hard time with a lot of the principles, but my comment at the time was that I wasn't going for perfect DBing...I was going to wear her down. LOL
Quote: I'm not seperated anymore and I guess what we are doing qualifies as "Piecing our Marriage back together again" so I'm moving here. Besides, Hacker, Mal and Z told me I should.
Yeah, those are some smart folks. You should listen to them!
The new place looks great! What did you do with the excess baggage? Don't forget the new window treatments. I like the color of the carpet. But those appliances? Yuck! They have got to go!
Good to see you here! You are going to get some great advice here. I'm proud of you for taking the leap.
Me 47 Ex H 46 Bomb 9/02 D final 3/04 Ex H now married to OW
------------ This is surviving. There is no such thing as a normal life, there's just life. So get on with it and enjoy it!
You know this is a good time to dust off the DR and read it again. Piecing is a whole different ball game than separation, you almost have to be on your game all the time and it can be difficult, but it also has the benefits of getting those good times back and creating new, fun memories.
So, in true DB fashion, what are your goals now? Now that you are living in the same house, what do you want? Time for the hard work to begin.
so glad you made it over here to piecing, and it does sound like you made the right move.
i am also happy that you posted all your threads, cause that really helps us get a better understanding of where you have been and what you have been doing that works and what doesn't
gonna glance over your sitch so i can be a bit better informed when i comment!
we are all here for you - please remember that, it's better to come here and vent then to step on the thin ice that is reconciliation
The feeling better part comes and goes. I haven't really found an effective way to stabilize it. I usually get up in a good mood, but once a week or so, it gets to me and the PMA takes a dive.
Things are just so weird at the house. I wake up Monday morning and make coffee. W is mad at something...or everything, so she makes a point of not drinking the cup I gave her. Tuesday, I decided not to make the effort and that afternoon she says "you didn't make coffee this morning?"
Tuesday night we went to YS's game and I thought we had a good time. It was a long drive, had some pleasant conversation. I make coffee Wednesday morning and everything seems to be going OK. She tells me she has a doctor's appointment right after work and I ask her if she wants to go to dinner after that. Her response is "We'll see what time I get done" (She rarely commits to plans with me).
So what happens? She doesn't come home until 10pm. Says she went for a drive. Says she's been thinking about things...Whatever that means. All I know is that she didn't answer her cell phone and she looks like she's been crying. As usual, she doesn't want to talk about it.
Today she tells me she's going to go to Bingo with her friends. When I didn't act like that's the greatest news in the world, she asks me what's wrong. Now... if I answer that, she doesn't want to talk about it. If I don't answer, she gets mad.
Today, I just found out I need to go out of town next week, so another week will go by without talking or doing anything except going through the motions.
It's days like these that make me wonder if this was such a good idea. I may just be postponing the inevitable.
Okay hon, so she's depressed and alien-infested still. Don't bother with the tit-for-tat coffee thing. Just make it every morning - a truly generous act does not depend on the recipient's gratitude. And don't get in a snit about her being gone - maybe YOU should be going out and making her wonder where you are? What would have happened if she came home the other night and you weren't home yet? What might happen if you said "sure, honey, have a great time at bingo" and then get dressed up to go out while she does. If she asks where you're going - "out with some friends". Then DO NOT come home until after she does. I've seen it work a dozen times.
--z