There is a recurring theme to your posts. You text... she does not respond... you get angry.
In DR, I was just reading about the tunnels and the cheese. You have set up camp in front of a cheese free tunnel. What you are doing, IMO, is the classic definition of insanity. That is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.
As far as the car payments go, I would just make sure that they get paid. It is obviously a source of concern on your part. You may not like having to make the payments but you are just as responsible, in the eyes of the lender, for those payments as much as she is. Do what is fiscally right. Personally, I think you are using the late payments as an excuse to text her. She just lies about it. This in turn makes you angry. Why are you setting yourself up for this?
When I went through my D with my first W, I gave all the creditors calling me about my WAW's debts her new address and phone number. Sure, WAW was not too happy about it but I didn't need the added stress dealing with debts that weren't mine. They were her debts and her concern, not mine. I refused to take ownership of her responsibilities.
When your W beefs about your relationship with her family, I might respond with, "I am truly sorry you feel that way" and leave it at that.
you are correct on what you are saying. I like the last comment about the family.
Yet again i did it. I sent a happy Easter text to her and got nothing. What a b&^%$!!!! The day is young so lets just see. I just wish i could figure her out. So Yes now from this point no more texts. I just try to stay consistent with my actions as far as the holidays go.saying high. i thought this was the best way to be. consistency of my actions. I am getting to the point that I just want to send a real nasty mean email to her. But not there yet and do not want to be an ass as this is not how and who i am.
Well the other thing is i have her daughter staying with me for now. Her mom my W are not talking. I m happy i can help. I just wish W could see what is happening. this was a problem in the past. But like i said before it is like no matter what i do in my W eyes it is all my fault for some reason. just do not get her
Yet again i did it. I sent a happy Easter text to her and got nothing. What a b&^%$!!!! ^^^^^ You set yourself up for disappointment once again. You text and sit and wait for the response you think is probably not coming and then get angry when it doesn't.
I just try to stay consistent with my actions as far as the holidays go.saying high. i thought this was the best way to be. consistency of my actions.
^^^^ You wanted to be consistent because you wanted an excuse to text her. Do a 180 and not text her. If she is expecting a text and does not get one who knows what she might think?
I am getting to the point that I just want to send a real nasty mean email to her. But not there yet and do not want to be an ass as this is not how and who i am.
^^^^^ Do this and kiss any chance of reconciliation good bye. You will only validate any doubts she might have. Do not let your emotions cloud your rational thinking.
Well the other thing is i have her daughter staying with me for now. Her mom my W are not talking. I m happy i can help.
^^^^^ Make sure you are not subconsciously using D as a pawn. This could be construed as meddling in W's and D's relationship.
I just wish W could see what is happening.
^^^^ What makes you think she doesn't and she just blocks it out?
this was a problem in the past. But like i said before it is like no matter what i do in my W eyes it is all my fault for some reason.
^^^^ This surprises you why? It is a common train of thought.
just do not get her
^^^^ There is a good chance you might never totally understand her. When you try to understand what you deem to be irrational thoughts and actions, it will only cause frustration.
“Things turn out best for the people who make the best out of the way things turn out” ― Art Linkletter
sorry just have to say this cause it is just how I feel today. Im stressed out for many reasons and not so good news from my Dr yesterday. I just hate my life today not that im going to kill myself or anything stupid. just saying i do not like where im at today.
MrCAS, Thank you for your response and being to the point. I first should say that maybe i should wait longer before I post anything. My WAW did respond to my text with a happy easter .. so well that is a change and im happy i got the response.
The hardest thing in the world for me at this point is to stop texting my WAW. I just dont want to let go i guess who knows!!!
I will not send her any note that would be nasty. I just come here to voice it so i can hopefully stop thinking about doing it.
As far as the Step Daughter staying with me for a few days. It was never about anything but to help her out. She had no place to go and was crying out for help. She is now gone she did work things out with a little help from me. Talking and just letting her talk helped her. She has moved in with a friend and it is closer to her job so she can get a cab to work if need be.....
Just waiting for the WAW to find out and see what she does or does not do with the fact the D stayed with me.
it is so true what you say as far as when i try to figure her out. It is just hard to let go i guess and as a guy that has to fix and understand why things do not work it kills me to not know why WAW is the way she is and why she walked out on me
LF, it truly svks, we all know that. But even you realize you cannot control your W. When are you going to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and move forward? <insert virtual face slap here!>
This doesn't mean you have to give up all hope, or file for D.
You have a lot of good things in your life, people who love you even.
How long are you going to allow your W to steal away your happiness? Life is too short to wallow it away in self pity.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
LF, it truly svks, we all know that. But even you realize you cannot control your W. When are you going to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and move forward? <insert virtual face slap here!>
This doesn't mean you have to give up all hope, or file for D.
You have a lot of good things in your life, people who love you even.
How long are you going to allow your W to steal away your happiness? Life is too short to wallow it away in self pity.
You know the funny thing is I was thinking this all day long. God I just want to be happy again. Thank you for the slap to the face. But i think sometimes I need s 2 by 4 upside my head.lol
Even my BD coach said something along the same line. i lost track of time this past session and only had 30 min. but it was just to continue to be there for my stepdaughter no matter what WAW says. and she did tell me that we are sure when WAW does find out about me being there for step daughter she is going to be upset. just based on the past. we worked on the reply if and or when she says something . But hey i just need to say here that I am a very loving caring forgiving person. I would never let a child just not have a place to go. I have always been that way. a giving person. So I guess what I need to do is to Give to myself. That is the hardest thing.
I was just talking to my bro and just told him that i just wish WAW and I could just talk. now i say this to get it out of my head but the fealing is still there.
On top of all this I have to try to find a place to live soon. ...
anyway i am just all over the place in my head but i will pull it together. God is on my side. and the fact that i feel like i ned to keep doing something is hard. But i have looked at it this way by me not doing anything to my WAW is really doing something. make sense
LF, I'm sorry you're so stressed, and I hope that your health is OK. You have a lot on your plate. You're getting good advice from men. However, as a representative of your wife's gender, I wanted to chime in and ask you why you are so quick with the beatdowns about her.
Just a couple of times on this page only, you were all the sun shines because of you, one minute, and what a b!tch the next because she didn't write back, and then Oh she wrote back it's all good. Why do you call someone you supposedly love a b!tch? Why would you be interested in being with a b!tch? Do you think she would feel at all kindly toward you if she knew that's what you were thinking whenever she doesn't drop everything and write back to your text?
I believe you are doing a common thing, that is hiding hurt behind anger. It is going to hurt your relationships, this one and any others. I would suggest you try learning better coping skills, primarily not reacting emotionally before you give time to pass and calm down and see what the real situation is, and also not going straight to name-calling when you legitimately feel offended.
At the very least, you may feel better about yourself as a person if you're more generous with your emotions, giving someone the benefit of the doubt and being kind. They may not even really deserve it, if you're into bean-counting, but it's for you as much as for them. It's about who you are.
I hope you find this perspective thought-provoking and not insulting; you seem like a good guy but very reactive.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
LF, I'm sorry you're so stressed, and I hope that your health is OK. You have a lot on your plate. You're getting good advice from men. However, as a representative of your wife's gender, I wanted to chime in and ask you why you are so quick with the beatdowns about her.
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I know it may seem that i am so fast to beat down about her. But what i do here is i try to vent from time to time to help me. My health is ok I just saw the Dr. But Yes I do have alot on my plate and some times it feels like there is no way out. But i put my trust in God the best I can to know he give you what you can handle.
Just a couple of times on this page only, you were all the sun shines because of you, one minute, and what a b!tch the next because she didn't write back, and then Oh she wrote back it's all good.
[color:#000099]Yes i know i go back and forth alot. It is just I know how she was and she would always respond. and when she does not i say i dont care if she does or not but honestly it matters. she has become so unprodictable to me and even her family.
Why do you call someone you supposedly love a b!tch? Why would you be interested in being with a b!tch? Do you think she would feel at all kindly toward you if she knew that's what you were thinking whenever she doesn't drop everything and write back to your text?
[/color]Ok i guess it is not calling her the b!tch is more so for her actions. I am the type of person that always gives and helps otheres when needed. It does not matter who it is. So it kinda hurts to see her hurting and just not taking the help i have offered. Sometimes I do things with out anyone even knowing. I put 1,000 in her moms account a few times cause she had no money for oil food. She still does not know who did it.
I believe you are doing a common thing, that is hiding hurt behind anger. It is going to hurt your relationships, this one and any others. I would suggest you try learning better coping skills, primarily not reacting emotionally before you give time to pass and calm down and see what the real situation is, and also not going straight to name-calling when you legitimately feel offended.
[color:#000099] You know i think you hit something here that i did not look at. I think the hurt that I have is or most times come out as anger. I always try to let things go but some times I have a hard time. i had been taking yoga and meditation but i have let that go for a few months. Maybe i need to get back into it...
At the very least, you may feel better about yourself as a person if you're more generous with your emotions, giving someone the benefit of the doubt and being kind. They may not even really deserve it, if you're into bean-counting, but it's for you as much as for them. It's about who you are.
[/color]I'm not sure about what you mean by bean counting. But i have said this in the past and have always given and given not looking for nything back. what i get out of it is the joy that the person enjoyed it.
I hope you find this perspective thought-provoking and not insulting; you seem like a good guy but very reactive.
[color:#000099]Thank you so much for chiming in, i am always looking for the view point of the other side. I just do love her very much and i just do not understand what has realy happen and why she wil not even talk to me about anything. But i guess this is a plan from God.
bean counting = I sent her a nice text and she didn't write back, so she's a B. This is not the time to keep score, in fact keeping score anytime in a marriage is not good, but especially not now.
Hope you have a good night...
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Just a couple of times on this page only, you were all the sun shines because of you, one minute, and what a b!tch the next because she didn't write back, and then Oh she wrote back it's all good. Why do you call someone you supposedly love a b!tch? Why would you be interested in being with a b!tch? Do you think she would feel at all kindly toward you if she knew that's what you were thinking whenever she doesn't drop everything and write back to your text?
I believe you are doing a common thing, that is hiding hurt behind anger. It is going to hurt your relationships, this one and any others. I would suggest you try learning better coping skills, primarily not reacting emotionally before you give time to pass and calm down and see what the real situation is, and also not going straight to name-calling when you legitimately feel offended.
At the very least, you may feel better about yourself as a person if you're more generous with your emotions, giving someone the benefit of the doubt and being kind. They may not even really deserve it, if you're into bean-counting, but it's for you as much as for them. It's about who you are.
I hope you find this perspective thought-provoking and not insulting; you seem like a good guy but very reactive.
You're right, thanks for the reminder, adinva.
I think it helps if we remember that our spouses are doing what they do, for them, not to us.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
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