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Thanks again FY,

You have a habit of saying the right thing just at the right time

Think I have just been having another wobble again. The funny thing was I think she was looking for me to re-assure her when she said its for the best.....I could tell in her tone of voice.

I should also recognise the positives more instead of questioning them. It is the first time she has said she misses me. I need to just accept it and move forwards.

Thanks again not just for this but all your help so far

Hi all,

I have some questions on MLC/WAS that I could use some help on please:

1. W still has a huge amount of belongings here and has made no attempt to collect them or even mention them. Clothes, DVDs etc etc. She has also left all photographs here, I don't just mean photos of our M life but photos of kids, her teenage/young photos, old photos etc etc of her family and friends. Is this normal, should I pack them up and give them to her or wait until she asks about them if ever. Or do they completely wash their hands of the past including before they met you even.

2. Re relationship discussions generally. I know the mantra is not to bring these up but how long do you leave it if ever? Does the LBS spouse ever bring the R up, not necassairy from a reconciling perspective, but more a talk about why? or does this just set you up for BD again. So I suppose I am saying should the LBS ever take the initiative with these types of discussion?

3. Should you ever ask if there is another person? I know the general view is that the focus is not on W but does anyone have the same need to know feeling, especially to enable moving on properly.

4. Is it possible you could have missed the crisis? I know this may seem a stupid Q but W does seem to be re-engaging her family/her mum a lot more. Does this occur whilst in replay still or right at the end?

5. Is it normal for MLCers not to sleep. Everytime I see W and just generally ask how shes doing she always says she struggles sleeping. I know there could be a number of reasons but it has been months now and she still appears to suffer from this.

6. W comments about missing me. I thought this unusual for an MLC perspective as I thought they couldnt wait to see the back of you. Is this common. Again, would like to know more from does she genuinely miss me or is it one of their games perspective and how I should respond?

7. I feel a bit funny asking this but is it possible my W MLC triggers one in the LBS?

Anyhelp at all would be appreciated.

Take care

Sorry I forgot to mention one more important fact.

Early on in my sitch i talked with ex W of suspected OM. He left his W around the same time W first got confused and W admitted EA. She is still adamant he is just a friend. She has mentioned that she seems him occasionally.

25hrs gave me a ticking off a while back for speaking to her (although she contacted me) and I can see why. W told me suspected OM ex W has been brewing up a storm of late saying how W has abandoned me and she is responsible for her H leaving. Apparently this has been going on for months and OM ex just will not let it lie. I have NC with this woman, have not spoken to her since the conversation early post BD.

W is getting very stressed by it all - she mentioned that it was suspected OM daughters birthday a few weeks back and she posted a message on her FB wall which was deleted. Basically the R with OM and his ex is awful and he does not see much of his kids because of it.

Should I intervene or just keep away and stay out of it? I am worried that either she will push W closer together with OM or push W deeper in the tunnel. Either W its yet another distraction I could do without!

I'll try to answer some of your questions.

1) Yes, they do tend to leave everything behind except for a few clothes. Some will only take photos and momentos of their childhood and others will take photos of their children. If the belongings are not bothering you, you can leave them where they are. If they are bugging you, pack them up and put them someplace safe until she either asks for them or you give up and file for divorce. BTW, leaving things behind can also be used as a "door" to open to have excuses to return to the home to pick up things along the journey...this is your call as to what you want to do about them. BTW, they do wash their hands of the "present" time until they begin to wake up. The past is what is hounding them right now and that's where the focus is for the mlcer...going back to a time where they were emotionally stunted and growing up.

2)You do not bring up relationship discussions unless the mlc raises the subject. They will never be able to give you an honest answer as to why they walked out. The excuses are very shallow, so it's best not to ask at this time. There will come a time when you'll have the opportunity to discuss things w/them, but while they are in anger, replay and depression, you'll only make them that more determined that they've done the right thing by leaving you. Leave this discussion until much later.

3. I don't advise asking about another person. They usually don't tell you the truth and if they do, they are always "just friends". Believe me, if you sit quietly, the answers will come. Mlcers have loose lips and they do love to talk about their lives, if you sit back and listen and not ask questions.

4. No, there is no way you could have missed a full blown mlc. What your wife is doing w/reconnecting to her family is very, very normal. She's gone back in time and needs to revisit her family and what transpired.

5. Mlcers suffer from depression. Some sleep, some don't, some eat, some don't. It all depends upon the individual. I suggest you read the threads on this form about depression.

6. Yes, your wife misses you...but only as a friend/companion. She's not referring to the deep love she has for you which is now stuffed deep within her soul. She may miss her home or some things that you use to do together. Some mlcers do say this. It's not a game tactic. You can respond with "I miss you too" and then leave it alone.

7. Yes, a mlcer can trigger a mlc in the lbs. It does happen periodically, whereby when the mlcer is coming out of the crisis, the lbs is going into one. Check out M Go Blue's postings. He had this happen.

I urge you to read up on depression as mlc is driven by emotions and the main ingredient is depression.

Thanks, snodderly, I was curious about the answers to some of the questions. My H just recently took his photo albums from his childhood and Navy days (before he met me.) The other stuff is still in the house.

I’m still not sure if my H is in MLC. There are some signs, but sometimes I think that he is not in a fog at all and acts quiet rationally.

BF,
The childhood and military photos are what my xh took. He left everything else behind except for his clothes, my keys to his truck and yes, a plastic Easter Egg. I still have all of the tools, etc. It was about 3 years after the divorce that he started asking for other things from my home, but I pointed out that he needed to read the divorce decree as he had gotten everything he had asked for at that time. To this day, he still continues to ask for things, but the answer is always no.

There will be times when they do act rationally and you will begin to question yourself. If your spouse has had confusion and just up and announced one day that was it...well, my money would be on mlc.

snodderly, it does look like my H, even though we are not D’d yet. Maybe I should move to this Forum from Newcomes. I don’t get much response on my sitch over there.

rkyfat73, why did you ask the question if your W’s MLC could trigger one in LBS? Do you feel like you are going into MLC? This is interesting, because lately I was asking myself why I’m in this situation as LBS. I was not exactly happy in my M either, I didn’t get the attention and affection I wanted. Why didn’t I start looking for a better life outside of our M?

Snodderly and BF thanks for the answers to these. I will read more on depression.

BF your comments are interesting re not being sure. I will sometimes doubt if it is MLC as Snodderly says. More when W does act rationally and i forget all the earlier stuff.

Re triggering an MLC in the LBS I am just not sure. I can't tell if I am slowly going or it is a result of my soul searching as part of the DB process. I am very confused thats for sure. I will post more about my feelings shortly.

Thanks again for the input

Snodderly, Thanks for your explanations and answers because they really apply to my sitch. I am the LBS and my WAH is without a doubt in MLC from all I have read here. So, so difficult not to still reach out and try to ask how he is doing but I am waiting for him to contact me. It goes against every fiber in my being, but you along with other wise people on this forum keep saying the same things - that the MLCer needs space and reaching out will only make it worse for the LBS (me). Does the LBS just wait for the MLC to be the one to say how they are feeling & initiate contact? Or is there a point where the LBS can just throw out a text "How are you doing?". I think I need to get a body tattoo of all of this information because everything I am so driven to do is the opposite of what you and others suggest.

I would suggest that you continue to sit still and quietly. The only time I suggest contacting the mlcer is if it is about the children or an emergency. It may take a long time before the mlcer will contact you, but he/she will.

In the meantime, keep the focus on you and stay busy w/your own life.