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Yes, I understand what you are saying, they all come across as me controlling how W will be. I think I need to re-write these and post again. I'll be back!!

She wants the D then she can lead it. Don't feel like you have to lead or even help with the process. I wouldn't do anything to blatantly stall because that may tick her off but don't do anything quickly. If it's not something you want then don't do it.

In my own sitch I delay everything and have even told my L to do the same. W has been talking about selling the house since October and I know she wants my help but I'm not going out of my way to do anything. I told her whenever she wants to start picking things up or getting stuff painted I'll help her and I haven't brought it up since. I also said I'd agree to realtor if she finds one. Well, it's been 6 months and house isn't for sale and crap is still all over the place. About a month ago she had a private person asking about house, she asked me for price, I was so busy it took me over a week to figure out a price, by then person had moved on .


You can do this without doing it towards D right? You mentioned the finances, good place to start. Check out your goals, many of them are you leading in places you didn't before. You don't have to lead anything you don't want to lead in.

When W brings up D listen to her and say you support her if this will make her happy but it's her decision and not something you want for your family and leave it at that. You don't owe her anything to help her in leaving you. Let her do all the hard stuff and see what reality is like. Your time is better spent making the changes in you and showing her this new you.

Thanks Spartan. I think I will absorb that a bit and find a middle ground on some of these things. I am going to go ahead and get the house looking nice. Its not looking great at the moment, and I would like it be nice for myself, I also think that we have a superb house, if it looked as good as we always expected it too it will be harder for W not to enjoy living in it. But as far as D proceedings, I am not going to put too much thought into that, these are the things W seems to be not doing a lot about (i think anyway) but almost expects me to have done my homework on.

How about these?


Main Goal:
I will become a better person for myself and by doing so I will become the person my W fell in love with. She will be become attracted to me once more, and fall back in love with me.

Smaller steps to this final goal:

Goal 1 :
Rather than sit in separate parts of the house, we will spend time together in the evening, watch TV etc.

Goal 2:
Talk of the future will be more positive and less about going our own ways.

Goal 3:
We will begin to talk about taking the kids away on holiday.

Goal 5:
Rather than finding it unthinkable to go out for a drink, meal or cinema. I would like to be able to do this, even as just friends to begin with.

Goal 6:
We will start to introduce more physical contact, even if just a touch or a hug.

2.4- I think having goals for yourself is critical.

However, most of those ^^^ include your w having a role. You have zero control over her so you are placing your goals, dreams, and future plans into someone else's hands.

Are you ok with that?

Can you redefine your goals and steps into things that you are going to do individually to get you closer to who you want to be as a person?

Miserable - that's the word my W told me she used to describe how she feels in out M. Thanks W!

That's is a good point. I guess these are the end results I want, but as you say are not something I can control. Does this mean I need to set goals that are about my personal achievements that then bring about the possibility of these changes?

I am getting very confused as I think I have misinterpreted
DR a little.

Dude ..... None of what they say....

Think of it this way...

You need some goals to keep YOU moving forward...

I am pretty sure that the ancient Egyptians didn't just drop the pyramids into the sand as a complete unit....{although the Aliens could have, but unless you are an Alien, stick with me here : ) }

And I'm pretty sure that they did not put the top, pointed block, on first....

Small pieces of the puzzle, one piece at a time , and slowly construct a foundation towards the ultimate goal, which is reconciliation....


All of those small blocks, that are the foundation, are all pieces of yourself, that you have to shape and size so that they fit into place when people see the bigger picture....

AFTER all of your pieces are in place, then it is possible, for the top to be put on...



So, some small MEASURABLE goals, that do not have the word "wife, spouse, mate, partner, W, the Pope, the Mrs. , fiance, my MIL's daughter, etc..." in them...

Those goals, that are for you, to start your foundation....


1-I want to go back to school, to become a 2.5
2-
3-
4-
5-


Like that buddy...

yeah I know - hard not to take it personally though when the person you thought loved to be part of your life tells somebody that you make her miserable! Not good for the ego! Think I am more hurt that people she tells must think I have been a nightmare to be M'd to, which makes you feel a little paranoid.

I did start the day saying I was feeling down - perhaps I'm just not in the right frame of mind to take it on the chin today.

Appreciate the reminder though - that's what I like about being on here everyone helps each other through the tough days.