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Ranting/ journaling

So, I have replayed the conversation between h and I over and over again, and since he is asking for his financial freedom I have decided to file for the child and spousal support as I had planned to. I am concerned that now that he has brought it up that he will start to go crazy with whatever money he has left. His wayward thinking of not being obligated has lead me to believe that this step is needed for me to secure myself financially. Maybe with this decision a seed will be planted and he will see how he can't just walk away so easily. I know this sounds like punishment, and a tiny part of me feels that it is, but me and the children's needs should come first and unfortunately, I feel it is necessary to do this. I have made the strong decision to start db'ing not to save my marriage at all. Before, my mindset was for both myself and my marriage, but now it needs to be to move forward. I now believe based on how the conversation went that this was H's way to keep me on the back burner waiting for him. And after about 2 hours into our two and half hour conversation I broke down and gave him that by not keeping my emotions to myself. I know we think their wheels are spinning, but I don't feel that my H's are. I think he is just torn between two directions (his kids/home and his mistress) and he is not fully committed to either. Notice, I didn't put myself in there, because H explicitly told me he doesn't think I can provide the love he needs and doesn't want me to and in wading through his bs, I believe this. So, I am going to reinforce my stance about his financial obligations with actions. I am no longer concerned if this will be seen as pressure to make a decision, if this will lead to divorce, or if this will upset him. Besides, if he really is in MLC, this decision should not affect his stance either way, right? And really, I wouldn't want it to. I would want my H to come home because he wanted to, not because he is poor and destitute. So if His financial obligations are clarified by a third party and taken out of the equation, maybe it will give him more space to figure himself out and what he wants. I will still leave the decision for the divorce up to him. I believe H has been able to call all the shots too long, and now it is time for me to do something for me and my children.

On another note, I am quite puzzled about his relationship with OW. Maybe what he said was true as it would be true MLC script...he said he "likes" her, but she is "in love" with him. I guess that would be a huge ego boost and go into that hero/damsel sitch. Still confusing how a man would throw his family away for someone he just "likes". Anyhow, not really important, and honestly, didn't bother me. What bothered me was his lack of feelings for me.

I thought I had let go of the rope, but it is apparent I haven't. It feels like it is the right time for me to start loosening my grip....and let what will be, be.

I think you handled the conversation really well. Remember we aren't perfect and we have feelings too. Two things - get your finances sroted. Some MLCers are OK, but as MLC tightens its grip, and it is a rocky ride at times, they often get meaner, and usually a lot more extravagent. Someone once characterized the MLCer as lazy, selfish and entitled.

The other thing is to google Frank Pittman, if you haven't come across him. He has written a host of pro marriage articles, and a family therapist. What our spouses are doing really isn't going to make anyone happy in the long run. Sad but true. They just think it is. I sometimes feel it would have been a better outcome if my xh was actually happy now - otherwise it seems an even bigger waster of time effort and money.

You handled the conversation w/your h quite well. I agree w/you that you need to file for support now. Get your financial situation in order and do not let this go any longer.

As Bea pointed out, once they begin going down the mlc trail many of them do get meaner and do love to spend money because they feel entitled. Once you file and he becomes aware of it, don't be surprised if his personality takes a turn towards the angry side of things. Do not take it personally, as he will be angry that you are taking his fun money away and making him accountable.

As for him liking the ow...that's normal. They do not have that "in love" feeling of true genuine love w/the op during mlc. They are teenagers once again, so they really don't know what love is except that they are infatuated and the hormones are racing for a bit. They generally look at the other person as a pal/buddy or I have pointed out many times, a f@@k buddy, nothing more. They can't be alone for long periods of time and they need this buddy to help keep them distracted, thus the partying, etc.

I agree w/Bea, definitely read Frank Pittman's books. He's excellent and right on the money.

Thanks Beatrice & Snodderly. I am not sure that I anticipated what happened yesterday. It was more of the same, and honestly put me back in the mindset and hurt of the initial and subsequent blows, but I do feel that I am working quickly through the feelings. So I am hoping that three times a charm and this will be the last time it affects me to this extent.

I think it was a good conversation in that it explained a lot to me and where I really stand with my H. It was an awakening so to speak. While in their twisted MLC ways, I know we are told to not believe anything they say, but it hurts and feels real all the same. And I really do believe what my MLC'er says...

I agree to get the finances in order, just after this final blow, my head and heart are not in the game today. So, I am going to take steps today to start untangling our finances gradually and then work up to the support. I feel the decision to do so is coming more out of anger right now to stick it to him, and I need time to see it clearly and/or be forced in to the position to do so. I was originally going to do it today, but because it is the day after, I don't feel that any good will come of it, I know this will anger my H, and because the papers go through within a couple days, I really am not strong enough emotionally to have another talk with my H about it this week. But it is my short term goal for the next 2-3 weeks.

I am physically and emotionally wiped at this point. And I think I may be coming down with a cold or the flu today, which doesn't help matters.

I don't think there is anymore that I can give to this situation or my H. So, back to some periods of long rest for me...so I am physically and mentally healthy for the new challenges that lie ahead.

I do agree that this sounded like where my H stood, but I find that so strange....throw away everything for nothing...

Well thank you everyone for your kind words and thoughts and prayers. Things are definitely going to get better, as I now feel I have hit my rock bottom, and now it really is time for me to start controlling my life as best as I can.

Bea, I Googled FP, but not finding too much...four books, and a site with quotes. Was there something you were pointing out in particular?

We have to be careful in posting links here, but you might start by googling Beyond Betrayal Life after infidelity. As Snodderly also says, pretty much anything he wrote is good, (and will usually link you to something else of his). He only died in November last year, and was prolific and generous with time and advice, so there is a lot out there. He has never written a word I disagreed with! Hope that helps

Great, thanks. I did order two of the four books as well. I am devouring every book I can get my hands on this days, so I will ad to my arsenal. Thanks again.

Hey B,

Just catching up on the events of yesterday. On my thread I replied to you that you would be playing this conversation over in your head - and there you were.

It is you and me kid.

I agree with Bea and Snodderly, I think your conversation went fine and that you handled yourself well. This is a major thing we are going through as I have only realized as I am going through it. But kudos to you for protecting your finances. Whatever we are feeling, there is a business side that must be taken care of.

Also, what Snodderly says about the OW is true, at least in my experience. In my case, xSO wants a child and she is how he is going to get one. Never mind that he barely seems to factor in that he is also stuck with her for the rest of his life - someone he admits is "desperately trying to save her marriage" (I repeat this often because I just do not get it) but he threw away everything for her. This is not a normal nor healthy relationship. I am not even sure relationship is what I would call it.

I also understand how you feel - physically and emotionally wiped. I was there this weekend and believe that feeling is one step more to acceptance of the situation as it is NOW. Things can change but it may take a long time and sadly, it may be never.

Take care of yourself, B. Your immune system is compromised right now - and no doubt, like the rest of us, you've lost weight and are awake more than you are asleep. I am working on being kind to me, too.

So, I guess life just doesn't work according to anyone's plan. I have laid low, both on the boards and in my personal life...thinking, crying, and grieving.

I was holding on, I see that now, and have held on too long...my H is no longer my husband. He has changed, through his own admission. My husband died when he had the affair, that he still continues, again by his own admission. I am going to take some time to grieve the death, the death of my husband, the death of my marriage, and then focus on me and the boys and our future.

I know this is what everyone has been saying all along...and I tried to listen, I really did. But knowing and acting upon it are two different things.

While I have been GAL, I still can't see a future right now. Some days, I feel like crawling in a hole and burying myself, some days, I want to go out and have the time of my life. And honestly, I do fulfill both of these when I feel them.

I feel like the other woman has won! She has won my husband, the man I married, the man that I nurtured, supported, and loved throughout the past fifteen years. I want to strangle her neck. If given the opportunity, at this time, I know this is what I would do.

So what is a woman to do. I have pretty much gone dim/dark on H. I can't continue any niceties or conversational contact knowing that he is in a relationship with OW. I feel that I would do an injustice to myself, to them if it is a true relationship, and it is just too hard emotionally.

I feel stuck. I feel very selfish. I feel lost. I feel invisible. I feel alone.

I see all the wonderful things that are happening around me and all the wonderful things happening to others. I am enjoying the life, but want companionship. I want the companionship that I lost.

I miss my husband, I miss the support he would give me in times like these, I miss the daily interactions of love I received from him on the regular, I miss snuggling with him at night.

I can't fathom going alone in this world without that. That is what I want, that is what would make me happy, that is what I am lacking in my life to fill me completely. I have everything else that I want...2 beautiful children, a job that I enjoy, and friends that make me laugh and are supportive. I have my home that was something H and I achieved together, but that I will be able to maintain on my own, should and when the situation progress when he stops supporting me financially.

Everything except love from a man. This is what I want...and while I know that everyone (including me) has stated that a relationship with another is no way to save your marriage, going without one is not making me happy. Urghh...so frustrating.

I guess I am having one of my dark days today and I don't have anyone to lift me up with some light.

I have prayed to god to show me my path. He hasn't done so yet, and I know I have to be patient.

So what is next for me, I don't know. I don't know how to go forward. I am still working on getting me and my boys into a "normal" life still, but feel that I have reached the max on this and that this is as normal as it is going to get.

So no plans, just venting, just living day by day. But the realities are what they are. I want companionship. I want love. I want a husband.

Sorry to sound so melodramatic, like I said, having a low, low day...and just trying to dig myself out of an emotional ditch.

Take life day by day and grieve the loss.

As for the ow winning...well, what did she win? She won the shell of the man that you once knew and loved. The man she's with right now, is nothing more than a mlcing teenager and very shallow. They are both very needy and they will suck the life out of each other. Trust me, you had the best years of your h's life...she's got nothing at all but the shell of a man.

You give this woman entirely too much credit...she's nothing.

Be kind to yourself and try to pamper yourself when you have the time and feel like it. After all, you are the prize.