Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Walk-Away-Spouse My WAW - coming to terms with it all!

As much as I would have liked to not spend time worrying about what i have done THIS week to make W angry/hurt with me, I have thought about it a lot. THis is not helping me move on and GAL and the truth is its probably the same hurt and bad memories that caused her not continue our M in the first instance.

My bad. My goal for this week is to reduce the time worrying about this stuff and focus on the positive sides of our interactions. They mostly revolve around the boys and I do try and ask my W how work is going and how her family is which she gives concise responses to. She rarely asks me how things are but this could also be goal. Continue the friendship with no pressure ,look after myself and hope for the best.

No official talk of seperation as yet, no discussion of meeting with a C as a mediator to talk about how to proceed. I wont be initiating anything to speed it along, i will just wait for her when she is ready to proceed with it and try and support her needs through the process.

And Finally...go and pick up my copy of DB which has finally arrived. DR cant be too far behind.

hey 25, I have been thinking a lot about giving my wife an apology, a real one that is unconditional and does not look to make excuses or blame anyone. An apology that acknowledges the pain and hurt i have made her feel and how sorry I am for that. ANy advice or help?

Alright.....I just picked up both DR and DR.
Busy night ahead.

WAW-SC, good reading ahead! Just caught up on your situation - sorry that you find yourself here but is the best place to be for these situations.....

I see many similar characteristics in your story, and I can let you know (as others did for me) that it really does get better with time as you continue to improve yourself.

Stay strong! Thoughts and prayers are with you.

So i have read a big chunk of DR last night and I managed to write down my goals which was a great start.
I have already written down my 180's too and trying to put them into practice everyday.

Met with my W this morning for a parent/ teacher interview and it was great to hear how our S is doing at school.

I offered to drive her in to work as it was on the way and she agreed. At the beginning, not much was said and she was sitting almost sideways towards me facing out of the car window but i started asking how she'd been going at work and the conversation slowly started and she relaxed a little. we kept it going and didnt talk about R at all. It was a good result.

BUT, I just feel that there is something she isnt saying, some anger that she has about me or something i have done.

Am i reading too much into it? Its so hard to not analyse it. I did some snooping last week and I am paranoid she knows that i was snooping around.

Is it okay to ask W if there is something that I have done to upset her recently?

Will this make the whole situation worse...a massive backslide?

So, my wife has begun the seperation/ mediation process and I jsut received an email stating how she would liek to go about. We will be meeting with a family relationship centre to work out what to do in the best interest of the kids aand how to go forward in our seperation.

My heart is racing....its a massive blow, i was hoping she would take some time to think things through but she is already making the next move.

I know she is so determined, she wont back down now she is going full steam ahead with this. I cant see any way back from here. Once she has made up her mind thats it.

I feel lost but then i should not have expected anything. Man, i need some time to absorb this hit. It feels hopeless.

Okay. So I did some stupid backslides but I think I can recover.

First one was respond to my w email and ask
" have I done anything to upset you recently, you seem prett angry with me. "
W says. " not angry with you and you haven't done anything to upset me recently"

Second backslide was refer to W comment about if I "would be happy to see the family relationship centre. "
My response was " not really happy about this at all but I understand this is what you want and I am happy to support you with your decision"

In retrospect I should have just kept my mouth shut and just agreed to meet... which i kinda did but then overcooked it. Live and learn.

I realise now that this whole family R centre meeting is about ensuring that we do what's best for the kids and I am sure this is her main focus right now and not just divorcing me.

WAW_SC, I really feel for you. Been there, done that........

It is tough (speaking from experience) but try as much as you can to detach and practice patience......

Just because the process has begun doesn't mean that it has to be finished, and even if it is that doesn't have to be the end of your relationship with your W. There are examples of recon very late in the process and even after D....

Positive step that you have goals and 180s - focus there. There is a lot more you can control in that arena and becoming the best person you can be is you best chance for developing meaningful relationships going forward - hopefully with your W, but even if not, you will be a happier, more attractive individual for anyone else you may meet.

Stay strong!

Thanks Semperfi00, a great morale booster. I appreciate it.

I think the initial hit threw me off. The irony is that I had set some goals and achieved some of them in the morning as i drove my W into work.
Goals were:
- W will ask me how I am going
- Have a conversation that is pleasant that will last for more than 15 minutes
- Make some good eye contact

The email re: Family relationship centre meeting came in the afternoon and deflated all my enthusiasm. It hurt.
I have had a cry, a think and recognise the following:

1. Im not done yet. Im not ready to give up on M yet and i will remember the positive things about yesterday because there was some good that came out of it.

2. Im not done changing myself yet...plenty of room for improvement

3. This was a setback, but not the end and there will be many more setbacks along the way. I will try and be prepared for them and focus on staying positive.

This has also been a good opportunity to practice a 180 which is
- instead of dwelling on stuff and staying upset/negative (which i use to do) I will just roll on and get straight back into being positive with W.
I did this last night in response to a text she sent me re: sons soccer training tomorrow. I was positive, helpful and friendly
I will hold no grudges, I will stay focused and keep a PMA.

Oh yeah.........and PATIENCE.

Yesterday I joined a gym. I know I know, its not that amazing but the affect that its had on my mental state has been pretty awesome.
Im not a very big guy…pretty lean due to the cycling swimming and running that I do. Whilst I am fit, it has always bothered me that I am leaner/skinnier than most guys. I guess you could say that I have had a complex about it and it has played on my self esteem. The funny thing is that my W probably never really cared too much about but it was probably my complex about it that was unattractive.

Yesterday I decided that I didn’t want to feel that way about myself anymore and there was something I could do about, that I needed to accept that I would like to be a little more solid. And I am not doing this to impress my W, I am doing it to be happy about myself.

So I joined up to the gym, told the trainers there I wanted to bulk up a little, not a lot as I still wanted to be quite active and they are writing me up a program. I woke up this morning feeling really good, recognising that this was a decision that I made to help me feel better about myself, not to impress anyone. A real change FOR ME.

This morning I met up with W at our sons school as his class was doing the assembly. It was a very friendly meet up and she was in a great mood…and so was I.
It was so easy…just chatting, watching our son up on stage. We were sitting quite close to each other ( I could smell her perfume and I made sure I had my best cologne on too ;-) and there was some good eye contact.

I feel like I am at the start of GAL…for real this time….for myself.
I know there are no guarantees in any of this re: M but I also know that I am on the way to having a better self esteem and feeling better about the decisions I am making. If I can keep this going then I am already winning.

This truly is a rollercoaster, but today I am going to coast on these good vibes and enjoy it.

Journal log:

Today went okay, spent the morning coaching my S5 soccer team...first time I have ever coached and it was a blast, I had to referee the game and I think i did well.
W was there the whole morning and noticed that when she introduced herself to the other parents she didnt really say I was her husband...she kind of just pointed towards me. Pretty weird....i think the law says we are still married.

Anyway, i ignored that and got on with my job on making sure the kids were having fun...and I had fun too. She did compliment me a few times on the great job i did as coach and referee which was nice.

After that we all went to a kids party together. Some easy conversation in the car with W and then didnt really talk to her much during the party but she did come up to me a few times and say a few things about the kids/ party observations..she was in a really positive mood.

On the drive back I started having some negative thoughts...thinking

" well this all seems to be working out great for her....she has someone to help her out and have a chat to, drive the boys around etc with no pressure to be in a relationship with me...she can just walk away whenever she wants."

Anyway, i caught myself having these negative thoughts and noticed my mood started to dip pretty quickly...but I kept my mouth shut and just pushed the thoughts out of my head. Better that we are good terms than being on crap terms and being depressed and resentful around her.

I managed to get the positive vibes back and then dropped her off but there was a little confusion about who was looking after the kids which made her mood change instantly. I kept the conversation simple, came up with a resolution and luckily her mood changed back to semi positive. It was touch and go though....gotta watch out for that.

Another day survived....thats probably the longest time we have spent together in quite a while. I am proud of how I handled it and I hope i can just keep it up.