Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Not confused...trying to move forward...

I have to commend you on your poise and your calm in your response email, BRNR. And I also have to agree with Snodderly on this one: be prepared and know your rights. He's made his own bed and now that he has to lie in it, he realizes that his feet are sticking way out of the other end. I hate to say it, but it might be time to consult a lawyer. Forewarned is forearmed. And hey, maybe the fact that you've looked into your rights will be a signal to him not to try any BS. After all, he's got to know that there's a good chance that a judge is will award you (as a LBS and in light of the OW) than the already reasonable amount you'd probably ask of him. Judges can be pretty punitive if you catch 'em on the wrong day. Just sayin'...

I liked the camaraderie between the people. Everyone in my class had a spouse that was unfaithful and left. So we had (have) a bond. Our sessions are over, but we are going to continue to meet every other Saturday at the same meeting time for coffee and friendship.

I also liked hearing other people's stories and how they responded to certain situations. Humor is a huge help. I didn't realize how strong I was in this situation until I talked to others who went through the same thing and had been in the process far far longer than I had.

It is a spiritual based program which is helpful to me. For a while at the beginning I felt like God abandoned me when in reality I abandoned God.

That sounds so good Wishing. That is one of the things I want to get out of it...someone who understands and I can share my experience with and vice versa. I need some friends that understand.

I highly applaud the class and what Portia and Snodderly mentioned about negotiations. I can't begin to tell you how close I came to falling for similar "woe is me" disinformation. Remember that they view the world as dark and darker. Everything is never and forever and nothing ever goes right for them.

For all you know, he won the lottery, or he has money in an off-shore account, or a rich uncle somewhere. The list goes on, but you get the idea. And since you cannot trust him to tell you the truth, it makes it really hard to see what he really has or doesn't have.

That's why courts make you fill out so many forms regarding your assets. You fill them out and the judge enforces the law. Whether you can afford it or not is not really what the court is there for. They are there for the law.

And as it goes, you can always give back, but you'll have a really hard time getting more.

Get to the classes, be business-like, and be patient.

AJ

I mean these boards are helpful and the people here are awesome, but there is something to be said about meeting "in person". You kind of "bare your soul" when meeting face to face. You don't have that veil of anonymity.

WH

Thanks Snodderly and Papa for validating my email response to H. I actually did the response without hesitation, so I think I am getting the hang of responding to H's tyranny.

Papa, I have consulted a lawyer, and know what I can probably get during the divorce. But I am really not sure how that works with just filing for support without the divorce. I believe different rules come into play, and really are determined by the judge. But I am hoping it somewhat mirrors the compensation I would get from the divorce. We will see.

AJ and Snodderly I agree this is the boohoo from my H, I keep trying to remind myself that he has no care or concern how I or the boys will go along, why should I care about him....I just keep reminding myself of this, and hopefully it gets me through.

AJ- you may be right that he might have some hidden money's somewhere, but I know how much he left with, how much he made, and I also have seen where he has spent selfishly. The way he is pressing for the income tax money to come in and all that...I am thinking his cash flow is um, we'll not.

WH- DivorceCare was really good. I actually got there early and kinda scoped it out a little. the church it is held at is also a school/daycare, so it is a really big place and I wasn't sure where I had to go. I pretty much walked five feet in the door, and a lady walked up to me, asked where I needed to go, and turns out she was there too for the class. So we got some coffee and talked before the class started and then she asked to exchange numbers. We actually found out we used to talk to each other on the phone when I was a CSR at my previous job...ten years ago. So it was nice to put a face with the name after all these years. We are going to try and go out for coffee this weekend.

Portia, thanks for stopping by and catching up. As we keep saying we feel and think so much alike, so know that I am on the same page girlfriend. I guess if anything, Portia you are my mirror.

So, I think that sums it up from all my post today...everyone have a good night, keep all your thoughts, 2x4's (I am not sure if I have gotten one of those yet), challenges (AJ-lol), opinions, and advice coming. You all have been my best friends through this, and this forum has become my "safe" place to in the words of Will.I.Am and Brittney Spears..."scream and shout and let it all out"

Goodnight!

Well, today is my meeting with H.

I know that God has put in this extra challenge for me today. Everyone keep me in your thoughts and prayers that I will handle this challenge with the grace of god and show my husband compassion and strength. Please pray for me that I make the right choices in not only my words, but in my heart, and that I rise above this challenge with my true self in tact. And that the outcome will be one that is not only best for me, but my children, and hopefully my H too!

I have been doing a lot of inward thinking, my true H was a man worth loving and fighting for. I have had some dark days as we all have, but I do not believe in my heart that my H and I are at the end yet. Time and distance has kept me from thinking about this day where H and I talk about our future going forward. I will admit that this day seems dark even though the sun is shining ever so brightly.

One person said at some point that he seemed content with the way things were at this time, but I know that has changed. I will follow up after our meeting today as I know I will need someone to share some light.

All, have a good morning, and know that my thoughts and prayers are not only there for me and my family, but all of you and your families as well.

Best of luck, BRNR. I hope to hear it went well!


Peace,
AJ

Well, conversation with H was not very DB worthy...

It started out with us being very friendly...then he asked if I wanted the house and I told him I hadn't thought about anything in regards. He said he wanted to make sure I was financially comfortable with keeping the house if I chose, and if not it would go on the market and we would split the debt owed (if only he knew things didn't work out that way). I told him that we were both legally obligated to the debt owed and until everything was legalized than that was how it would have to be. He agreed. He never used the word divorce, rather legalize. Everything was legalize. After that conversation, which was pretty much it, we started the conversation about the future. I asked him what he thought was missing in our marriage and he said love. I asked him if he was getting that now and he said yes. I asked him if he was in love and he said "strong like". And that the ow he is involved with loves him more than he does her. He held my hand, initiated hugs, and told me how great a woman I am. I told him that my feelings haven't changed for him. (Yeah, I know, bring out the 2x4), and said that I understand and respect that his feelings are different. He hugged me some more, gave more "I'm sorry's", and I shed a few tears during this time. In the end and repeated throughout the conversation I told him I wanted him to be happy and to do whatever he needed to do. He said several times that he misses me, and I returned the same, he grabbed my hand, and I squeezed it when he did. So round and round we went...pretty much nowhere. So my final thought to him was to do what he had to do to make him happy and his final words were, we don't have to build Rome in a day...so, back to the start it seems, I don't know how much more I can take of this.

Oh, another thing, he said he wants to continue talking about things, I don't know how to do this without my feelings and emotions spilling out. While we didn't argue, and it was a calm and collected conversation, it felt natural to do so, and based on his words, I know he feels differently.

Also, I did tell him that when you love someone, you set them free, and told him that I have done this even though it is not what I want. He expressed to me that he cares about me and never wanted this but he has changed and doesn't know what his future is or what he wants, just to be able to move forward....

More spinning around the wheel I guess.