Of course, know I shouldn't but would like to say to spouse please dont text OW when with our daughter. Please don't talk about our daughter( she is having surgery tomorrow) to OW. it is disrespectful to her and me and our boys too.
M48 H50 M21 T26 S20 at college),S17,D15-cp, dev. delay- cogniv 5yrs old PA confirmed 7/2012 H separates 9/2012 H move home 2/13& 7/13 lasted 2weeks.ILYNILWY OW still in picture. h filed 10/13
I would only set boundaries that you can enforce. Telling your husband not to comm with the OW while around your daughter can be enforced by you only when he is with the two of you on your turf or if you have custody at the time you are together with H. Then if he does it, you can ask him to leave or you can leave with your daughter in tow.
Just as the others are saying, and since he's moved out, I'd go totally silent on him while he continues his affair.
Sometimes so desparate for answers! D had surgery yesterday. she is doing fine. Honestly, sounds terrible but I feel less stress about her medical than I do about sit with h and me. She is resting now. back home after 1 night hospital stay. h came to house to stay night with S 16.sleeps in our bed. That is fine with me. s16 does not want to stay at H apt. H will stop by after work, also fine with me . D wants to see him(of course I do too). I did send H a text and asked him to please not discuss D with OW. disrespectful to me and all kids. I said I know I can't control his choices but would appreciate his considerations of my feelings in this regard. I keep him updated on Daughter, but otherwise have stopped R talk. I am getting better at not sending text messages...He was in city of Ow last week for work. Would like to ask if he was with her but I have not. Wish I could put it out of my head! Still obsessed about it! Reason being , takes time away from his job and his children... too tired when he gets back...
I said continued affair was deal breaker, but obviously not... I am the better choice!I know that I am! I have missed a couple of recent opportunities... He make comment Easter of him being a ""bad egg. My response.. you said it and or there was something where I said about him mind reading. Another was he made comment about being 50. I should have stroked his ego.. next time I will!
M48 H50 M21 T26 S20 at college),S17,D15-cp, dev. delay- cogniv 5yrs old PA confirmed 7/2012 H separates 9/2012 H move home 2/13& 7/13 lasted 2weeks.ILYNILWY OW still in picture. h filed 10/13
Of course, know I shouldn't but would like to say to spouse please dont text OW when with our daughter. Please don't talk about our daughter( she is having surgery tomorrow) to OW. it is disrespectful to her and me and our boys too.
Setting boundaries is not about controlling him, it's about controlling you. When he does something that is against what you stand for you take steps to protect you. Saying do not text OW when around our d is controlling him and that gets you no where. Your D has to set the boundary and she can choose to not be around him if he does this against her wishes. We cannot make other's do, think or believe what WE want them to. It's tough and completely suxx but... control yourself not your husband.
You can not change your past, but you can ruin a perfectly good present by worrying about the future.
Can't go totally silent. I give info on d when he asks for updates. He'll ask about my day. I am pleasant and friendly. Try to be vague. It's hard. Try to only have convo about kids schedules. H asks tonight about coming over tomorrow so I can get out a bit. Didn't click initially then realized, oh yeah, tomorrow is my bday. In the past, we celebrated all bdays by going to dinner or picking up something for home. Now, I get to go plan something for myself instead of being with my family. That pisses me off. Of course I'll GAL and use the time to go to yoga then meet a friend for a quick drink...and I'll return home with a smile on my face. Wish I could say to H just leave us alone. Go do your selfish thing but that is no solution and not fair to kids.
M48 H50 M21 T26 S20 at college),S17,D15-cp, dev. delay- cogniv 5yrs old PA confirmed 7/2012 H separates 9/2012 H move home 2/13& 7/13 lasted 2weeks.ILYNILWY OW still in picture. h filed 10/13
of course I will have a nice bday with my kids at home! my d just had abdominal surgery and is not able to be out and about yet. My s 16 rows and he gets home from school about 8pm.This weekend, h will come stay at house with d while I fly out to San Diego to watch son's race. Again, d asks H to stay the night but he says no, he's staying at apt and will be here this weekend. Breaks my heart that he can turn her down. He acts like it is my fault( I know that is the MLC speaking on his part)I just act pleasant and busy. M48!today H50 M 21 T26 S19(at college) S16 D15-cp like a 5yr old. PA discovered July 2012 S starting in Aug 2012 back and forth. h move out 11 2012
M48 H50 M21 T26 S20 at college),S17,D15-cp, dev. delay- cogniv 5yrs old PA confirmed 7/2012 H separates 9/2012 H move home 2/13& 7/13 lasted 2weeks.ILYNILWY OW still in picture. h filed 10/13
Wise Db'ers give me a better response...H will ask something about the kids, what I would like to say is... well, you know H if you were here you would already know the answer, but I don't( well I did say this one time) usually I just fill him in. How to get rid of this feeling to be snarky back to him? wish there were some trick. My problem is being a smart alec..I know, I know, OW is not making snide remarks to him...
what is wrong with our society? why is it that one spouse can cause so much pain and just walk away so easily? What are we as a society teaching our children about integrity and honesty? Part of the problem as I see it too is no one wants to get involved. Not my business...Am I crazy to think when someone messes up they should hear from friends, families, coworkers that they are screwing up? I want that big letter "A"! Of course, no one wants to hear negative opinions or about what they are doing wrong. I have said to me boys 16 &19 that I don't like the situation that we have found ourselves in. That we need to continue to do our best and be positive. That their job is school and they are not to use this as an excuse for misbehavior. For me, day at a time.
M48, H50 M21, t26 S19(at college) S16,D15-cp like a 5yrold. PA confirmed 7/2012 H move out 11/2012
M48 H50 M21 T26 S20 at college),S17,D15-cp, dev. delay- cogniv 5yrs old PA confirmed 7/2012 H separates 9/2012 H move home 2/13& 7/13 lasted 2weeks.ILYNILWY OW still in picture. h filed 10/13
I see he has hurt you badly. Is it accurate that only only one spouse caused pain and walked away? He walked away from a happy and fulfilling marriage? Can you find a way to see how he might have been in pain, enough pain to look for a way out? I'm not excusing an OW, that is despicable to me, but you need to realize that there was a give and take in your marriage. If you really never hurt him then you are a blameless victim, but I haven't seen one of those here yet.
Learning what caused him pain helps you, gives you understanding, self-esteem, and power, control over your destiny. It will enable you to use this situation to become a better person, wife, mother, friend, someone only a fool would leave. There's no downside to that.
Your question was, how to get rid of the instinct to be snarky. My answer is, do you want to be a snarky person? Do you like your reactivity and lack of control? Aside from clever word choice do you admire snark? Do not blame him for how you are, be how you want to be. Practice taking a deep breath when you feel that impulse and count to 10 and then respectfully answer the question he asked about the kids.
I feel exactly the same, that my H would like to appear interested and a good guy, and he isn't home with our kids and is losing more and more of a handle on what's going on in their lives, and I feel mad about that.
But what's your goal? If your goal is to push him away, cause a shame attack (which will NOT bring him closer to you by the way), make him resent you, and stop asking about the kids, fire away. If that is not your goal then check your communication and use it only toward your goals. You have the ability to control that, it just takes practice. Use your words to further your goals.
It sounds like your goal in using snarky words was to communicate to him in a passive aggressive way just how hurt you feel by his actions. There might be a time and place where it is productive to tell him that, but that was probably not it. Look for other places where you use your tone and behavior to communicate words you're not saying, because passive aggressiveness is poison to a marriage as well as any other relationship.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Wise Db'ers give me a better response...H will ask something about the kids, what I would like to say is... well, you know H if you were here you would already know the answer
Lots and lots of bitterness and anger in your posts. All your posts are H-focused. As long as you keep your eyes on H, you will be bitter and angry. Paradoxically as long as you are bitter and angry, H is going to want to stay as far from you as possible. Your only chance at getting H to return is to change yourself. Detach from him. Get out. Get a life without H. Become a happy, content, satisfied, confident, attractive you. A you that will be fine with or without him. A you whose happiness and purpose comes from within, not from H. Your H might be attracted back to THAT you, but even if he isn't you will be better prepared for life without him. So read DR and start working on yourself. You haven't even taken the first steps yet.
