My W and I continue to work on building connection in our dance community. We've been attending a social dance studio for almost two years. We've been sitting with other couples since New Year's Eve. My W got us invited to join a table for New Year's Eve, and now we sit there every weekend. My W and I have been commenting on how more people are being friendlier to us. We've become a part of that community. It's the most connection my W and I have had as a couple in the nearly 20 years of our M.
A colleague of mine who is a vocational counselor offered to provide career counseling for my W, to help her plan for a move from her current job. I hope she takes advantage of the opportunity.
I've been making a point of smiling more often--to others and to break my mood when I get too serious. I had read that the facial expression of smiling can influence one's mood. A woman I dance with, tells me that she makes an effort to get me to smile more.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
I found out yesterday morning that my W did not have a good time the night before. She felt like she was sitting too much, and that I was acting like a single guy and enjoying myself on my own. I didn't know this was happening. She didn't say anything to me, during the evening. I listened to her complaint. She is right that I need to make more of an effort to be a pleasant partner to be with. I get mentally fatigued with learning new material, which isn't a struggle for her. I think there will always be a gap in our learning styles, and chronic conflict due to our different learning styles. It's hard to know what kind of evening she's having, as she doesn't always communicate that to me clearly.
I think my listening worked well enough, as we moved past the conversation and connected during the day thru a shopping trip and dinner. I set some boundaries as she wanted to go dancing that evening, and I was too mentally fatigued for another night of dancing. I need to be mindful of what I say to her in public. If I make a commitment to spend the evening with her, I need to stay in partner mode the entire time.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
I still think this is all so much nibbling around the edges, CL, and it doesn't seem to be working. I still think your wife is craving a more visceral connection with you, and until you summon up the nerve to attack that, I think you're largely going to be chasing smokescreens.
I know you don't want to hear that, and are avoiding it, but it's just how it looks from my seat. And as you know, I've been sitting here watching this show for quite awhile.
When are you going to get tired of all this eggshell-walking?
I still think your wife is craving a more visceral connection with you, and until you summon up the nerve to attack that, I think you're largely going to be chasing smokescreens.
When are you going to get tired of all this eggshell-walking?
Starsky
I agree with the need for movement towards a head-heart (visceral) blend. I think there's significantly less eggshell walking. I got tired of it months ago.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
I still think your wife is craving a more visceral connection with you, and until you summon up the nerve to attack that, I think you're largely going to be chasing smokescreens.
Starsky
I continue to ponder the words visceral connection. Getting to a level of good enough in this area of the R is probably the foundation, that will prevent any significant backsliding, and move the R out of turbulence. My W does appear to want connection with me. She wants my time, for me to listen, and to be a social partner.
Religion for me in the past has been more of an intellectual exercise, and reminder of how to be moral in the world. I resumed church attendance over a year ago. It began again as an intellectual effort, but has evolved into being a blend of intellect and experience (head and heart). I continue to read to sharpen the intellect, but what gets me back on track is the experience of God (as I understand it).
People at work are commenting behind the scenes, that I seem more engaged with clients and colleagues. They have simple reasons for this. I know that it's been a process over the recent years, due to the addition of activities that are bearing fruit.
My W responds harshly when there is a lack of connection, or when I act in self-interest, and not as a partner. I summon strength and listen to her feedback, and make corrections as-needed. I'll agree with Starsky, that there needs to be continued improvement in connection, particularly from the heart.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
My mother emailed me that family will be getting together in North Carolina this summer. My W and I are invited. Spending an extended period of time with my family W has never happened during our M. I'll talk to my W about this invitation. My initial reaction is fear and worry, but I'm working on being a stronger person these days, so this will be another opportunity to practice becoming the type of person I'm aspiring to be.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
My W changed her profile picture to one of the both of us. It's a recent picture of us at a ballroom event, where I was in a tuxedo and bow tie, and she in a dress. I posted the picture on Facebook, and received many compliments from friends. She's received many compliments from Facebook friends about her new profile picture.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
