Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers we own a biz - pt 4

update: not sure how it happened, h kinda was stressed a little and i reached out, then it lead to r talk. It seems as though he is borderline about us getting back together.. he said "getting back together" several times during our convo. I said I missed him, and asked if he missed me too (bad, bad, I know). He is afraid of slipping back to our old ways. I used the term "auto pilot" and said that I would be alot more aware. Spoke about time apart made us appreciate. I got a few hugs in. Told him hugs are a start. He feels awkward, I can tell. Held back on the rest of my affections. He would not allow me to pigeon-hole him into a commitment of trying again, but was open to seeing what happens. I talked about hanging out, vacation (june/july) and fun stuff/laughter, he seemed to be open to this. He also wants to write a list of "non-negotiable things". He was pretty pumped about writing such a list. Not quite sure what he will put on it. He is adamant about me not moving home, as he feels then he will never get out of the house arrangement with his mom. I told him I miss home. He understood. He said he would want to live together again. Again, he would not commit and does not want to be held accountable. He says "who knows" alot. I validated often. He really wants more time to enjoy life, after our "busy season", and happiness, he said either together or apart. He admitted that we had a good rel'p, but doesnt want to forget the bad stuff either. He seems very on the fence, and unable to let me have an inch for fear I will hold him accoutable. I tried to assure him no promises and same for me.

Im trying to remember it all.

What do y'all think?

PATIENCE/TIME/DETACH....more DB'ing!!

Did he ask for a hug? Sounds to me like your still trying to control and manipulate him but do it in a subtle way. That is just my opinion based on my experience with my sitch. I did similar things. In think he needs space. He isn't giving you affection back and doesn't want you home. Your putting unwanted pressure on him asking about futuristic things

Yes/no PON... he was talking of us getting back. Yes, I did give affection where I shouldn't have. However, he is one who typically waits for my affection first. I think he is afraid to do affection for fear of getting into it & then how do you pull out if you change your mind? He still wants the option to back out of any commitment. He doesn't want me at THIS house because he doesn't see it as us EVER getting out of there. He wants to live away from his mom, but has 2 years worth of packing in that old place. He finds it hard to see a light at the end of that tunnel. Its not about not living with me, but about feeling like we would get too comfy again there. The "list" that he wants to create is about boundaries (rel'p do's dont's). I think this is a good thing. I will back off and wait to see what happens next.

Please tell me of your sitch how u did similar things and what the outcome was.. and then please tell me the best plan of action from where u were and where I am to get to where you are now. What was your time frame? My h is very stubborn but my daughter sees this as part of a loving way that he doesnt want us to screw up, therefore he is super sssslllllooooowww and cautious.

Why do you keep asking for other's thoughts and opinions and then just argue with them?

You pretend to listen but you're not.

His story about the house is malarky.
Thinking that taking things slow and cautious (for 25 years) is loving, is kidding yourself.
Take him as he is, not how you would like to mindread him to be.

How he is, is someone who does not want to live with you right now. He could move you in with his mom, he could move over to where you are, he could find a way if what he wanted was you and him together. IMO he makes this stuff up to get you off his back, because it works.

The list is good. Let him make the list and then take it and validate it, listen and don't argue, and back off for a while to take it in without reacting. It may be very useful for you.

Giving him hugs at this point in your sitch because you feel he is holding back waiting for you to give him hugs, does not reflect an understanding of where you are in your sitch, IMO. He is a person who does not come forward and give affection. That OK with you? If you never back off, he will never have a reason to learn to come forward.

"not sure how it happened, h kinda was stressed a little and i reached out, then it lead to r talk. "

How can you not be sure how it happened? Someone must have brought up the two of you and I'm pretty sure it was you.

You have to stop being so insecure that you keep bringing up the R. There hasn't been a week where you haven't let it go. You're going to argue back that it's because of your business or whatever, but the bottom line is that you brought it back to the R.

This conversation is just a mirror of the one you had 3 weeks ago. Where you say he said this and that, and then in a couple of days you're going to wonder why he isn't following through. You're leading it.

Let it go at this point. It doesn't matter "how you did" in this circumstance. It's already done.

I've been thinking how it actually happened. We were in the kitchen and I noticed that he had layed down some planks of hardwood on the floor. I asked him about it. He is confused about doing a reno to make our area more liveable (this was an option as well when I lived there as a temp living solution), but ultimately he wants to move out. His hands were flailing about, and I reached to grab them and motion him to sit down. He was stressing, but did not want to sit at that time. Yes, I took this moment and approached. But, I feel I did alot more listening than I did talking (180). MrBond... I will not lead, I will dig deep for patience and wait to follow.

Earlier today, I listened to him tell me that it is important to live a life "NOW", that he realizes that his life is short and how he is going to do things to be happy (he now has a clean bill of health, he was worried). This is coming from Mr. Workaholic, who now says that he has changed.

Ad ~ he is forced to live there due to business. He wants to move out but feels trapped. I know the circumstance and I understand and know this to be true. I know he is lonely and would easily move us back in, but fears he wouldn't ever get out.

I am letting it go... for now... will patiently wait for this "list" to surface. I like your advice Advina. I will listen, I will validate it, I will not argue it. I will take from it and think about it, for awhile. I will not react. I will sit on it. As for the hugs/affection, you are right...he has forgotten how to come forward, and this is not ok for me. I will back off again...completely. I just wanted him to know that affection was important to me, and if he wanted to hug, to reach out.

Random text message from h at 10pm: "I realize you are working hard to sell product...paperwork...computer time etc... just so you know.."

I replied: "nice that you notice and tell me. thank you. goodnight"

(this is his 180, looking for good things to appreciate in the day)... even if it is about work.

My sitch and your doing the same STUPID things:

I tried for hugs for my OWN selfish needs
I tried for S E X for my OWN selfish needs
I mind read like a gypsy on tour
I never let go, it wasn't until I did when my dynamics change

Do you think any of us writing that haven't been there

If your H wanted affection from you he would seek it. He doesn't . Don't state what he has trouble with. Your smothering . Why are you talking about summer with him? For your own selfish self and self validation . Cure your short term anxiety to be deflated by him 3 days later?

It is time for you to listen. Also take his list and validate . Accept it and do not question it. Post it here I don't think the list will be that shocking. I'm guessing anyone of us who hasn't detached from your thread yet could write it for him

FYI your probably not speaking his love language. I hesitate to refer this book but it really helped me ME ME when understanding how my wife ticks

5 love languages
Gary chapman

I'm guessing DB book is on burner because your not applying technique and your violating most of 37 rules

Harsh sorry u need it

and so you communicated that by...hugging him. First, do you think there's any chance you haven't already communicated to him that affection is important to you, in 25 years? Don't kid yourself; you're not fooling us. You wanted a hug and moved in. Or, on the chance that you sincerely did think he did not know and needed to know that, you are still pushing your needs. This is NOT the time to be all about your needs.

You explained the house thing again, and it's still baloney. Adults do what they want to do. He does not want you to live with him right now. Your acceptance of a very flimsy excuse enables you to deny the reality of your sitch. Accepting the reality of it hurts a lot - so it's easy to see why you would want to deny it - but accepting it and dealing with that reality is THE way to potentially create change.

In fact he might have been stressed because he knows you think he wants to and is trying to move out, and caught him making home improvements to improve his living there, alone. You like to mindread interpretations that make you feel better, but then the reality that you have a good future with this man will exist only in your head. Deal with the real facts that exist and try not to put words in his mouth, so that you can begin to hear what he is trying to say. You might not like what he's trying to say, but you can't wish it away.

You wrote as if you sort of fell naturally into another R talk, but grabbing someones hands and trying to make them sit because you perceive their behavior to be stressed, though they don't want to sit, and then participating in a relationship talk, is you again controlling and behaving exactly the way he seems to be running from. You push your needs on him and don't seem too care AT ALL what his needs are. Not enough to listen and find out what they are. Perhaps his need was for you to let him pace and leave him alone.

The best thing you can do for your relationship is back way off from him and explore how you can become less insecure so you might become a healthy relationship partner, for him or someone else.

Yes, grabbing him by the hand and telling him he needs to sit down is very mothering and controlling. Do you think that's what he wants, another mother?