Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers After phone coaching session #2

thanks bug. There's that no expectations again.

It's hard not to think this is what he wanted when he left last summer. Happy/nice/cordial relationship with the fam while he gets to go off & do whatever he wants. Man I'm feeling bitter right now.

Girls had a really awful morning fighting with each other. d15 is extra critical of my 'nice' efforts and mocked me about dinner last night. It's hard on them too, I understand. Sure isn't fun living with the consequences though!

Still haven't replied to H's text. Think I'll just say 'you're welcome' and leave it.

Goals for this weekend - running, reading & relaxation.

Reb do you think he might be testing the waters and because it was a good interaction he might be willing to test again and again...

Good job, nice for him to send a text to expressing that...

Might need to sit and talk more with daughter? Let her express and speak openly about these emotions...I can't imagine being a teenage girl again and going through that...so confusing for them...and no matter how much you explain to them they will not be able to know where you are coming from until they are an adult and in a relationship w/children too!

Can you let go of some bitterness with writing a letter to him and not sending it...

But I must say good job Reb!! I just hope I get one of those night sometime to show him how much I have changed!

Hey tallula, missed your comments on the page turn. Thank you and you're absolutely right. Being the best me. I've buried bad feelings for the day and am moving on. And it occured to me today that I'm feeling this way now, but won't feel this way forever. I can live with indecision

Good things for today: made plans to go to concert tomorrow night. Replied to H from his middle of night text & said 'it was a nice evening. thank you too!' May have been too much, but oh well I'm putting it out there and retreating. And I texted H's friend and invited him to d17 bday party next week.

fs, your comment about H testing the waters really helped sooth the panic this morning thank you. I snuck d15 out of school for lunch today and we didn't talk directly about sitch but was able to give her a little quality time so that'll help. That's her LL (kids LL test online!) and I have to retrain myself to make conscience efforts in all my relationships.

And finally, I can have a really crappy frame of mind for the entire morning but it won't take over my entire day anymore! I have the power to change my thoughts. Okay ready to head home soon and start the weekend.

Good for you turning your day around Reb...it is so hard sometimes forcing ourselves out of the funk...even when we know we will feel better if we do...sometimes I think we just need to be in that mood for a little while to remind ourselves we want to change and don't like to wallow...or dwell on things we can't control anyway

reb,

I'm sure the "nice" evening you had w H & D's is something that your H is still thinking about. I wouldn't be surprised if it happended again & again! No expectations, though, right?!

Good job taking the high road inviting your H's friend to the bday party. That took strength!

I'm so glad you said, "I can live with indecision." I basically said the exact same thing to SIL today when she asked me today (out of the blue) how long are you willing to let this go on like this?

I have to add the words "for now" onto the end of that statement though.

And, thanks for visiting my thread too!

If access to the house is a trust issue with you, you might consider giving him his own alarm code. This might show him trust from his end while still being able to monitor his access to the house.

Just thinking...

HELLO,
I'm new but in a very similar situation. I don't get it either how they don't miss these great normal family evenings

M48,H50
M21, T26
S19,S16,D15
H move out9/12
OW

Thank you for the replies and ideas. McCas, good idea about the alarm, I get text alerts when my alarm is disarmed so I would know when he comes and goes anyways. I'm open to extending trust in general, but not if he's planning D and would use my trust against me. Can't read him and I can't tell where he's going. Only time will tell. Littlegto, I caught up on your thread recently and thank you for your support and encouragement.

Had a very good Easter day with dds and went to MIL's for dinner (H not there). She's been very supportive and it's been a good opportunity to heal some wounds in my R with her. She was absent from our lives for 12 years & we never really made up, just tried to sweep everything under the rug. So I feel good that my R with her has progressed in a positive way and that allows her more access to her granddaughters.

I've communicated every day for the past couple weeks now w/ H. More communication that ever. All positive, but all pretty formal and he doesn't ask anything personal. I've been sending more joke/funny messages in the past week and he's responded favorably. It's all been pretty good, better communication means talking more about the kids and I know he appreciates being more in the loop.

IS THIS STRANGE? H sends me a weblink for some custom design belt thingy for work & said "A Father's Day suggestion for the girls. Maybe you can send me one for Mother's Day?" And his "suggestion/request" is $199.00!

This feels really off to me because, basically, if we have no future together, I really don't think I'll be spending money on him for future holidays. DDs don't have an income besides their allowance, which I pay & isn't much, so it's all on me. Plus, whether dds want to get him a gift for father's day or not is really their decision (let's face it, he's been a sh!t dad this year). On the other hand, I didn't give him a gift for xmas & d17 gave him a wallet, d15 gave nothing. Same for Vday, they gave nothing. And on both occasions H was generous with girls and even me. Gave me cash for xmas for trip girls & I took in December (family trip we previously had planned, before he existed our family. I took girls without him). Gifts in general are low on his LL scale but I'm sure the rejection hurt him. It just seems very presumptuous to suggest gifts that I would have to order and pay for.

But that's what we would have done in the past... so is this just a slip up on his part of defaulting to past years? Do I play this game and get him his expensive gift on behalf of dds? Can I live with it if he ends up filing for D? It just feels WEIRD!! I want to reply & say 'seriously? you do realize you left & I don't have to do anything for you anymore?' But things have been pretty good this last month and the communication is a plus and it's felt kind of getting back to normal - we even have the C appt in 2 weeks that he has been very agreeable to attending. But it is a bizarre request given the past 9 months!

Opinions on this strangeness? If I do play along, I want to ask for a Mini Ipad.

You mindread a lot. Do you realize that? I ask because I have that tendency and never knew that's what I was doing until someone pointed it out.

Your H is inching closer to you. It may or may not end up where you want it, but he is inching closer. If your goal is to reconcile, let it happen. Stop worrying about what every little thing means.

About the belt, he told you why he sent the link. He wants to know what you would like. (I have to say, if my H did this I would be dancing a jig)Send him a link of something you would like and tell him how thoughtful he is.

If you have $199 to spend, buy the belt. If not, tell him that. (We'd love to but I just can't afford it.)

I have a bit of a different perspective on helping kids with gift-giving and this has evolved over time. Talk with the girls about what they would like to give Dad for important occasions. Help them figure out much they can spend, how to make the money and/or you pitch in some. This is about your D's R with their Dad, not your D's R with your husband. If helping them out with that is something you would have done before, why does that change now? He is still their dad.

(let's face it, he's been a sh!t dad this year)

So do you want to punish him? Playing the punishment/reward game never works. If it did, I wouldn't be here.

I want to reply & say 'seriously? you do realize you left & I don't have to do anything for you anymore?'

Does this move you closer to your goal?

labug, I do mind read! But I've been trying to be really aware of it - how did I mind read this sitch? By assuming he was hurt with no gift attention since he left? I'm not being contrary, I really want to learn.

Your point about punishing is mostly true. I would have encouraged girls to get gift for dad's day and H's upcoming bday and would have paid for it. The presumptousness and expense in his request is where the awkwardness comes from. We presume with close friends and with those that we are in a R with, but when that person leaves the R it's kind of like they don't have that right anymore. Time to be happy with what you get, right?

But I can see how this attitude wouldn't help me towards my goal... it's just odd. I would never in a million years have suggested or asked for anything from him at this point. And ordering this belt is another complicated process, as it takes specific measurements etc. The website is not easy to navigate and there are no pictures so I have no idea what the technical specs are the written description is referring to - I can see actually why he would send that request my way because no one else in his life would go through this much effort to figure this stuff out... stopping the spiral of bad feelings...

I just thought it was bizarre and was truly interested if any other LBS have had this experience.