The dumb thing is that after our big fight when i first moved out, i took my ring off as I was convinced it was over, still hot-headed, angry and immensly sad with the state of. It was only after a week on my own that i realised i no longer knew myself, that I had become someone that i hated and realised that I had some problems that i needed to resolve. IT doesnt matter though because I did this same thing to her, i do not pretend to have any moral highground on this. I am just ashamed of the way I behaved in the first place.She is not letting go of the past and I am finding it hard to forgive my self of it as well.
Me - 37 W - 37 M -5 T - 15
S=5 S=3
Seperated - 12/12 BD - 20/03/13 Still seperated - no R or M talk yet.
Ah yes...forgot to mention its our 6th wedding anniversary in 2 weeks time.
Any strategies for that? Its so hard to know what to do...i think she is sensitive enough to be a little hurt if i didn't acknowledge at all.
I guess it has to show that you care....but not too much. More of a "paying respect" to the good stuff (which she has completely forgotten)
Any advice would be appreciated!!
for the anniversary I'd send something - BUT with a message that focuses on the kids and that they are your achievement together...
And maybe a photo of a good memory or trip all together and say something NOT pushy and NOT mushy
but like "whatever path we take, I'll never regret these steps" and have a picture of the kids'-
or "Happy Anniversary...It's still worth remembering" and again, put a fun photo of the kids.
Also, in long term marriages, nearly all couples report that their lowest satisfaction "scores" were the first 3 years after the birth of a 2nd child. Drops in sex and drops in "couple time", also tends to be peak working hours for the primary bread winner, so a lot of factors add up. AND to move 3 times (??) in a short time is an under rated stressor.
We were a military family and the chaos of the frequent moves seemed exciting but was also a chronic drag at times... and it turns out that my oldest felt sad a lot as a child and I wasn't completely aware of it.
I wish we'd not moved so much...
She will return to the marriage IF & WHEN
she believes it can be better/different than before.
So, what are YOU DOING to show that it can be? B/c that is your task.
she's not here working on the m, you are...
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
So, if I understand correctly, now that my wife has taken her ring off I am supposed to believe only half of what she does? NOT "now that"...
b/c Once you left home & dropped your bomb on her, but you changed your mind and then she said not to come back, THAT was when you need to stop worrying or believing what she says or does--
b/c that's when she had rationalized enough and revised the marital history enough, to justify breaking up the family. (which I guess you had also done a week earlier?)
Even if you were a jerk, she will feel a sense of failure. Don't read into her sadness and grief and assume it's all her guilt. Besides, don't YOU feel any? I mean it's not as if she reached this decision on her own. You two fought, you got complacent and you stormed out and told her you wanted a divorce...remember?
I must say I get a "gloss over" feeling from you about your role in this. Don't you think she has any validity to her concerns?
And, if you were depressed, OWN that and tell me what you are doing about it.
It's a drag to be around - and instead of immediately diagnosing her as being just like you, just work on YOU. You are all you control and the more you focus on HER and her choices
the more you deflect away from changing the only person here that you can control, ie., you.
Make sense?
AND, I am supposed to just goet on with life and act positively around her...and continue to wear my ring around because it feels right for me? if it does feel right for you then YES...and work on you. Show her that marriage to you can be better/different, with actions. NO promises or words unless she asks.
And as long as you two are getting along then BE GRATEFUL for that and stop pushing for more.
Seriously...give her some dang time...you might want to look at my signature block to get where I'm coming from on what a reasaonable time frame is....at least one month of true change for each year together...so when you finally begin making those choices...then she will start believing they are real. I'm sure her biggest fear is that you two will reconcile and then things will revert back...
all you can do is show consistent change + sufficient time = change she can believe in. Wont that just piss her off even more considering she is still so angry with me. will what piss her off? You wearing your ring? um, You think taking it off will somehow calm her down? Get real...
say nothing about it and if she asks, act as if it slipped your mind... MAYBE say "i don't feel like taking it off...why, does it bother you that I'm wearing it?" But do not bring it up and ignore the fact that she not presently wearing it in your presence. She's making a point. Ignore it for now.
I am suffering big time and its so hard to just pretend that I am okay and GAL, staying positive. Isnt she just going to think that I am in denial. well gee, so you think she'd find more of your depression and being miserable, attractive? I think you're going to show her that you have had an awakening and that you HOPE you guys will work things out but the MAIN POINT NOW is that you are GAL and being fun and upbeat and warm and approachable and a great dad.
No woman is unmoved by good fathering to her children.
We are still married and I am not sure why I am hesitating to take it off...i
um, let me guess...b/c you're still married? Hey that is how you feel so that's how YOU act...it's not really her business in a way and it's not your business if she's wearing hers. DETACH...
guess it goes back to sandi's tip No. 33
" do not give up no matter how bad you feel"
I feel pretty bad!
here's a piece on Detachment that is short but I think helpful.
And btw, there are many reasons for hope in your sitch that I'll get into later but keep posting. Have you gotten the Div Remedy Book yet?
Please read them when you get them...IMO, I'd start with that one (Div Busting is the first edition, which stresses a LOT on why divorce is bad news. I found the Div Remedy book slightly more focussed on how to fix things b/c hey we GET why divorce is bad news.) But essentially both books and this site are solution based. So going to a MC to get advice is usually, not always but usually , counter productive b/c they rehash the past and you spiral downward. You can shop around and ask for a "pro marriage" counselor OR a solution based one...they do exist but you have to hunt a bit.
Also do NOT give the books to your wife. That appears (and is) tactical...don't do it.
"This was originally posted by Peanut. ============ II. Detachment Detachment is critical to the process of altering and repairing a relationship.
Attached, we take personally all that is said, not said, done and not done.
Our ego gets wounded, and we are more inclined to do/say things that undermine our goals. We can not control the actions of another. We are, however, responsible for our own actions. We are responsible for our own happiness.
If we are detached from the actions of another, we can meet anger or indifference with love. Met with love we are in a position to diffuse the situation and transform it in a way that will be in alignment with our goals.
On the flipside, detachment allows us to play it cool when we do get a positive reaction from our spouse. It is a way to break the distance/pursuer cycle. Detachment is not withdrawal. It is not the mind saying, ‘I am not getting what I want so I must pull back.’
It is the natural acceptance that I am alone responsible for how I act. I can not control another person, but I can control how I respond to them."
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
You have put me back in my place. You are right, i do feel guilty and I feel ashamed of who i was last year, of who I became. Of how I treated the woman I love, and the impact that my depression had on my family. I made a promise to myself when my wife said that she did not want me back to never go back to that darkness and the person i became. I am making progress slowly, but i get knwocked out and the hopelessness sometimes takes over. But the most important thing is that I get back up. My biggest reward at the moment is the bond that I have rekindled with my sons, stronger than ever and it is making me realise that by changing me, i can affect those around me positively. My wife is hurt and she is suffering too, I fully recognise this but I also notice that if i am upbeat, she starts off a little edgy but evenutally softens up. I will be grateful that we are on speaking terms and accept that I am responsible for my behavious and I can only control myself, no one else. Thansk for the piece on detachment and I will be sure to check out your thread too. Keenly waiting on the arrival of DR.
Patience Patience Patience.....
Me - 37 W - 37 M -5 T - 15
S=5 S=3
Seperated - 12/12 BD - 20/03/13 Still seperated - no R or M talk yet.
Thanks also for the tips on anniversary, whenever my wife and I talk about the kids there is so much joy and love and its the one thing we can smile at each other about and be proud of.
Even through all of this sadness we find the opportunity to be happy about that with each other. Small steps.
Me - 37 W - 37 M -5 T - 15
S=5 S=3
Seperated - 12/12 BD - 20/03/13 Still seperated - no R or M talk yet.
Just one more thing 25yearsmlc, your "gloss over feelings" about whether my wife's actions are justifiable are correct.
I was a pretty horrible person to be around last year, I made some nasty throw away comments and was too critical of her. I did not work on her love languages - words of affirmation and acts of service. I was too consumed by my studies, project managing our home renovations...and myself. I did not honour, love and respect my wife in the ways I said i would.
I have taken onboard all her critical comments of me and thought about whether they are justified. A lot of them are and I am going to confront them one by one.
I was rude I was disrespectful I was self absorbed I was unhelpful I could have been more supportive.
These are character flaws that i want to change for ME, because I am not happy being this kind of person. These are my goals for the immediate future
i know she has felt an enormous amount of pressure in the last years because I always wanted more sex than her. I think over time it turned her off me and she said she was relieved when i left as she wouldn't have to feel the pressure of having sex with me. Looking back, i tried not to make too much of a deal about it, but when we would get into silly arguments I would make comments about her lack of interest in sex or me. Over time those comments stuck in her mind and now thats all she remembers. I loved my wife and i wasn't just looking for more sex, but more connection with her and she was pulling away = Distance/ persuer cycle. I never realised this is what our relationship became towards the end.
She must feel so liberated in a way, not having me around. Its hard to deal with the fact that the one you love thinks of their time with you as "pressured, tense and stressful" but its probably justified and she has every right to feel however she wants to feel. I will try not to dwell on that stuff and remember that I actually was a good father, a good husband and a good man sometimes, but there was a lot of room for improvement.
Me - 37 W - 37 M -5 T - 15
S=5 S=3
Seperated - 12/12 BD - 20/03/13 Still seperated - no R or M talk yet.
You did the best you could with the tools you have at the time. She is the one who walked away, not you. She is the one who is not willing to work it out. not you. Stop beating yourself up and make the changes you want to see in yourself.
Just a quick question for those with experience out there.
At the beginning of our seperation, my wife was making the effort to remain friendly and conversations were generally okay, although she was harbouring a lot of anger as i found out when we talked about R/ M
After she made the decision at our session with the counsellor to not continue the realtionship, something changed in her and the walls that were up around her got even higher. She no longer accepts my offers to help her out with things and she is no longer wearing her ring, and although we still talk, it feels somehow a little harder now to relax in our conversation.
I sense she is really trying very hard to be independent again and show herself that she is fine without me. I am not stopping her and letting her take her own journey, just I am taking my own journey. Its confusing and I am curious as to what "switch" gets flicked in a WAW's mind in this process. So much of what is happening to a lot of us out there seems to be so common and have some simple logic to it...human nature.
Maybe some WAW's could help me understand the psychology of it.
AND yes....I am out there GAL and detaching but I cant help but be curious.
Me - 37 W - 37 M -5 T - 15
S=5 S=3
Seperated - 12/12 BD - 20/03/13 Still seperated - no R or M talk yet.
You did the best you could with the tools you have at the time. She is the one who walked away, not you. Actually HE left..he told her HE wanted a divorce. THEN he changed his mind but by then, so had she. I don't think I"m telling him to wear a hair shirt and wallow in self loathing.
I'm just saying so much of what he's written is as if he has consistently been an LBSer...not so.
It is too easy to blame the other person and stop doing OUR work, the work on OURSELVES
so I think that it is crucial for us to remind each other now & then, of how we got here.
She is the one who is not willing to work it out. not you. Stop beating yourself up and make the changes you want to see in yourself.
I feel as if that's what he is doing. He's Making changes in himself that HE says are good things to change. Things he wants to change...
If there was truth to his wife's claim that he had been rude & disrespectful, etc...
that means he owns his stuff...his work...and will work on it.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
