Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers The View from the Blanket III

Hi Tori, NG and IO!

How is everyone?

Thank you for you posts.

I haven't posted for a few days.I don't know. I'm still struggling with H being here. To a certain extent. He comes everyday for the kids which is wonderful. I was tempted to limit this but with here so little of the time I did not think this was into kids' best interests for the time being.

I struggling today to stay positive. I know why too. He was on the phone with OW at my house. I asked politely to refrain from OW contact when he is in my space. He said ok. But it bothered me. So it makes me think I am not as detached as I felt I was. I don't feel as strong. It just reminded me that he has a whole other life without me and the kids.

So back to me. Had a pretty good weekend actually. Was at a charity event and then had friends over afterwards for drinks.

Also went to a movie night at the school wit the kids and H which was lovely.

Tonight am invited out to dinner at a friends. Lots of stuff going on. Maybe I am a little tired too and hence feel more sensitive today.

I am struggling not to hate. H and I actually had a bit of a blow out a few days ago. Dumb on my part. I stopped it quickly- found my center and apologised for my part of the outburst. I did realise I still har emotions to work through and heal. I realised H is still angry too and I could recognise his attempts to cut me down in his anger.

I am very busy at wot which is good and H is spending lots of time with the kids. Sometimes I feel left out- I feel like he would happily take the kids and leave me alone. I feel so unappreciated at times. Ok... Pity poor me. No I guess I need some help to dig a little deeper at retrieve the PMA.

Him being here is a bigger challenge than I thought.

Well done. I know it's hard but continue to keep this in the foreground. It's about your children.



There is a difference between being detached and being healed. Do not confuse the two. Detached doesn't mean not caring - it doesn't mean not feeling.

Show yourself some grace here.


GALing yourself into exhaustion. Well done!



It's good to recognize the toxic dynamic and change it. Keep working on it, it does get easier.



That makes sense. He is doing things that you want to be part of. Try to stay focused on the people who do love you and do want to spend time with you. This is not a natural decision, but one we must make constantly.

You are loved - remind yourself of that more often!



Yes - but I believe you can make this a good opportunity for you to shine. What does that look like for you? If the pain wasn't there - how would you want to act.

Envision it.. believe it.. make it happen.

((( )))

Hi Busting,

Your observations about your H's anger are interesting.

I think sometimes we forget how angry they are with us still - they are off having their great new lives and we feel like the ones who have the right to be so angry with what they have done to us.

But I keep getting signs that my stbx is stuck in his anger for me. He plays out his role with OW in part because of this - in retaliation.
He really is a mess. I saw this the other day outside of court when we had a few hours together, waiting our turn. He told me that everything was all my fault, and he was so angry with me.

I don't know that there's much we can do - other than refuse to take the bait. I'm certainly getting better at resisting the urge to try to argue with him over his view of what went wrong.

Like you, I've accepted my part and apologised, but he seems still to be in the middle of his anger. I think the 'leaving us out' of family activities is meant to hurt. It's part of their anger coming out.

They really are in a bad place.

Busting, I can completely understand how it's so much harder when your H is around.
At least he respected the boundary of no comm with OW in your presence. It is sickening, but that's the place they are and all we can do is to be the best we can be and continue sending love.

I'm sending you love, Busting. (((((((((())))))))))

Busting,

I am so sorry you are having a hard time. Yes, it is sooooo much harder when they are around and we have to interact with them.

Please don't beat yourself up for not being completely detached yet. I think you are doing pretty well - just look at your calm reaction when he was on the phone with OW... Two years ago, you probably would have reacted differently.

So you had an argument with him a few days ago... So what? Working on yourself doesn't mean you will never argue again with anyone... You are human - remember that. Be kind with yourself, be patient with yourself.

You are amazing, you are so strong and you have come such a long way... I hope you can see that, because we all can here, even though we have never met in person. (I wished I could meet you someday and give you a real hug, my friend...

I hope you are having fun today!

(((((((((((busting))))))))))))

Hi,bustin,
I've been thinking about you too. You have come such a long way. It is easier NOT to be around them. I have come to learn that myself. But, I also believe it is better for the children to have as much time as possible with H.

Your sitch is different than mine in that I see H most days & so does my kids. Neither sitch is ideal nor easy.

You are in a good place, b. Don't worry that your feelings are yo-yoing a bit now that your H is visiting. Things will settle for you again when he leaves. And, each time he visits it will be easier for you.

You're amazing & doing a great job with your growth and awareness!

Busting, tough place to be...don't fall into old Busting role okay?



Love you and hang in there.

Ruby

Hi Val. thank you for your post. It helped calm me.

To answer. If it weren't for the pain I would be bubbly, chatty, excited to have the family together.

I know I can still be that person despite the pain.

I was feeling hurt not just because of the phone call. I realise it was the kindness in his tone of voice. It was like a slap in the face. I hadn't heard that voice for years. It made me see how poorly he talks to me and how much he dislikes me. When he is nice to me he must be just pretending.

He looked at me with a question mark on his face when iasked him not to speak with her at my house. I said ' I can tell when you are speaking to a woman on the phone' he said he speaks to all women on the phone like that.

I looked aT him in disbelief ... I'm pretty sure I am a woman too.

Val thank you for highlighting the detachment vs healing dynamic. I can see that difference now. I not dependent on him but I do still have healing to do.

I need to accept that this makes me sad. That I am still hurt.

And your right. Our old dynamic was toxic. I guess I could say I am pleased to be able to recognise it now and have th skills to diffuse it and hopefully next time avoid it

NLW- I think they are so angry at us. I think H just sees me as 'the problem'and nothing else. At least it shows me that he is masking his true feelings and fears with his happy to lucky persona. It helps me deal in empathy.

Tori I have been thinking a lot about what you said regrading your thoughts on your H living with limited awareness. When I read that I thought of my H- limited awareness the need to always be right.

Little thank you so much for your words of encouragement. I agree both situations simply sukk

I have to admit I got a little catty this morning with H. This morning H used a word that OWuses with her dogs ( she used to be my friend i know tgis woman). i just looked at him and ahook my head. now, My kids want to get a dog and for some reaaon they brought it up today. H went on about how they have to be taken care of. He has never had a let in his life but OW has like 4 dogs. So I looked at him and laughed and said yes I guess you would know about taking care of dogs and b!tches. So bad of me. I have to say, he laughed too.

It was a moment... A moment of me feeling and thinking that this is such a farce. It didn't bother me .. I didn't give a sh!t. Now what is that about?

I meant to add his use of OW word helped me also see how easily he is influenced

Actually what I mean.

I used to think H was a chameleon. I admired him for the way he could adapt to different situations.

Now I am thinking that actually, he so much needs to feel like he belongs and is a part of something ( I am not criticizing this...we all need it), that he lets him self become influenced but others. He does not impress upon others. Others impress upon him. Does that make sense?

Again I am not trying to cut him down. Just observing how something I used to admire about him, now seems to me to be a sign of fear to not belong.