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25, just meant that, as I've read elsewhere, you are adept at...disabusing people of their self-delusions. I always thought I was great at validating what W said to me, but with a quick sentence you cut through all that and made me see that I was kidding myself. Ergo the '2x4 between the eyes' comment. It was actually intended as a sincere compliment for your no-nonsense advice, which I appreciate.

Hi, my original posts are in ital. 25's replies are in bold. My responses are in blue.

So, here I am, back again, bloody and bruised after a much needed working over by Sandi and 25.

"working over by Sandi and 25"....and "bloody and bruised"...
okay...nothing weird about that.

I just meant that both you and Sandi had presented me with some hard truths, ones that I now see I've been in denial about. I know now, for example, that I haven't yet internalized the concepts of DBing and that I need to put tremendous work into detaching from my wife.

And as for what to what else you would want to focus on now...what else is there other than your work? You want to spend your time correcting us? Arguing with us? Papa, really dig deep and THINK about that....

I certainly don't want to waste time arguing with people on this BB, because I've already had plenty of experience with arguing and being defensive in my personal life! And perhaps I chose my words poorly or used an analogy in some of my responses. If so, I apologize, that was certainly not my intention. I sincerely appreciate your taking the time to offer your advice and feedback. In future I'll try to be more careful with what I write and be more clear when what I'm writing is meant as a joke.

What do I want to work on? Well, conflict resolution seems to be job #1 right now. Plus, I want to improve my work situation. I also want to do more GAL activities (other than just going to bars with friends), which I have been reluctant to do because I often felt/feel awkward in such situations in this culture. I've signed up for piano lessons, which start in a month or so, which I'm looking forward to because I always regretted that I stopped playing when I was younger.

I'm working with an IC (who's also our MC) and I've been undergoing EMDR treatments for my anger management issues.

So the IC who is working with you on your anger issues AND supposedly is there helping repair the marriage, is one & the same? To me, it probably won't take long before they say the marriage is over, and you are the main problem. Even if that is the truth, I'd get a new IC for this work...

I do understand, and I agree completely. However, I feel that the IC has helped me make some significant progress both in my current sitch and in the past. Her use of EMDR has really helped me work through issues from my past that I might not otherwise have been able to... "get at", I suppose is the right term? Get at and confront, which I might have been unable to do otherwise. I think that while she is a fine IC, I don't want to see her with my W for MC purposes. I've decided to end the MC sessions with her.

It might even turn out that this whole situation might ironically turn out to be one of the best things that ever happened to me...

A lot of us feel we are better people now than before. I know I am. But it' a choice one makes between feigning the role of victim/martyr, or the one who overcomes adversity, looks bravely within and digs deep to makes fundamental changes in their world... I've heard it said that the real journey in life is an inward one...

Yes! You said it all right there: I am "feigning the role of victim/martyr" and it's complete BS! I know this! I've seen my parents do it, blaming everybody else for their mistakes and their individual situations (they divorced shortly after I was born and both STILL blame the other person). I am working to stand on my own two feet. I've accomplished quite a bit in my life, coming from essentially nothing and with zero help from anyone and I'm quite proud of the fact that what I have achieved, I've done it on my own. So, now it seems clear that I have to start believing in that part of myself again and become that person again.

After experiencing my own personal Good Friday last week...

When you say your "own personal Good Friday", do you mean when you lost your temper with your w about the OM?

To be honest, I meant that I had been (rightly!) rebuked by some people on this board after my screw ups last week -- in a sense "suffering" for my own sins, but trust me I was my own harshest critic about that and the "salvation" of this oh-so-belabored metaphor is that I've gained a good deal of insight, not to mention excellent feedback from you, Sandi, Stander and others. Oh and, I don't believe there is an OM. And I also know that, even if she did, there's nothing I can do about that so I'm working on detaching more on that issue because there's nothing I can do to change that.

When you put yourself in the role of the crucified one, what happens next? Do you manage to reach the other party, meaningfully? Or do you come off as an angry self righteous guy? IOW, do you really get anywhere? Are the victories" short lived?

I might have trouble seeing myself from the perspectives of others, but in retrospect, I'd probably have to grudgingly admit that, yes, it ends up hurting myself more than others. I know I have a passive-aggressive streak in my a yard wide and drinking poison will NEVER make someone else sick. I hope to address these issues in a conflict management course.

You've mentioned the children much less than you mention yourself and you do that measuring thing, which you thought was reasonable.

What I should have said, rather than "it seems reasonable", was that after a long, difficult day, I feel that it is reasonable to ask your S to take over with the children so that you can have a time out. I love my children, 25. I take darn good care of them, and they are happy, confident kids. I NEVER think of my time with them as "babysitting" or a "burden", like some unenlightened fathers do. Despite my own personal issues, I have dedicated the last 11 years of my life to making sure that they do not have to endure the same kind of childhood that I...well, let's just put it out there: survived. If I don't mention my children, it's because other than the issue of not having been given/taken enough time for myself as I should have, my children are by no means the cause of the problems in our M. Everything that I do with/for my kids, I do so with love and joy and I have never even considered the ridiculous notion that they are to blame for any problems in my life. Yes, having four of them does complicate things from a purely logistical standpoint, and yeah most days I'm pretty bone weary at the end of a long day. But I kiss all of my kids goodnight and tuck them in bed and have read to them just about every night since the day they were born. And on most nights, they call me back as I'm leaving the room to give me a hug around the neck and tell me that they love me. That makes all the hard work more than worthwhile. So, if I don't mention my kids much, it's because as far as I'm concerned, they're beyond reproach when it comes to the $#!% storm I'm in now.

and I wrote a LONG post to you with many questions...almost none of which you hav answered.

Sorry, it's taken me more time than I thought it would to address some of these issues. Please don't take that to mean that I was blowing you off or didn't appreciate your taking the time to post your responses.

What kind of changes are you ready to make in yourself, to be able to DO conflict resolution? No one really likes conflict, so saying you are "conflict avoidant" or "need to polish up o it", as if it's merely a unique preference, overlooks that conflict resolution is an essential tool for adulthood. Unless you bully someone else, OR are always caving in to them, (which usually leads to resentment and passive aggressive behaviors later) then lacking conflict resolution skills will kill nearly all relationships.

I never even really considered how vital this skill is and how... inproficient I am at it. My W could probably use some help in this area as well, although I'm not going to start asking her to accompany me to a conflict-resolution course. Detach!!

I think working outside the home will aid you in learning this...b/c maybe your w is the only adult you are frequently interacting with, and you two have not succeeded in resolving conflict well.

Agreed and agreed. I've been hearing this over and over again from people (although, all that R talk with the family and friends is a thing of the past now). She is indeed one of the only adults I interact with on a regular basis, and I'm working on changing that with my GAL efforts.

But I definitely feel your defensiveness. Your comment about the feedback Sandi and I are giving you as if we were punishing you, reveals a lot. We do this for free, fyi...

Again, I feel as if you are angry about that post and I'm sorry if that's the case. I actually meant that in a positive way, in the sense that you and Sandi helped me to face some truths that I see now, I've been unable to be realistic about in the past. I regret that you felt I was being defensive, and I do indeed appreciate your taking your valuable time to respond in a direct, honest way and offer advice and feedback that I solicited and which I do feel is of value. I hope my response won't cause you to avoid responding in the future.

However, I'm often involved in finding solutions for people who are angry or traumatized...and YES there ARE tools out there. You must be willing to be right and lose, and to be wrong sometimes. It's alright to be wrong, as long as you own it, and then chamge it b/c you learned something from it. No one learns a thing if they're always right...

Yes, "own it" and "change it b/c you learned something from it". Clearly this skill will come in handy under the current situation and in the future trying to have adult relationships with other human beings.


I'm also interested in improving my communication skills with regard to validation.

Good....so, tell me, what would your WIFE SAY about how you communicate?

My wife would say that my communication skills, up until recently, were very much lacking. A lot of the time, when we disagreed about things, I would just walk away. She would follow and try to 'force' me to communicate and I would end up yelling at her to leave me alone (victim/martyr/pathetic). A lot of times, I would try to reinitiate the conversation later, only to have her be unwilling to respond or even react in any way and -- as demonstrated by my actions last week -- I blow up and say something outrageous as my anger increases due to her lack of willingness to talk things through. My W also has anger/depression/conflict-avoidance issues, but I'm not here to discuss that: I'm working on me.

Since things started to take a bad turn last year, I started eating better (became a vegan, which is no easy thing in this country where they've never met a cow they didn't like), I started exercising, dropped about 45 lbs and now am running 5k 3 times a week. I said to the STBXMC (little joke there...) that I was working on getting healthy from the outside in. And that's kind of how it feels. Having the energy to do more has helped me a lot in this sitch.

Embrace humility b/c this is a humbling experience...and most of us are better for it. Try reading ... Crimson, Denver and FH, all dug deep and made some scary discoveries, as did I and others...but we took charge of our flaws and we changed.

You said it in a nutshell: "took charge of our flaws and we changed", that's what I want to do! THAT is the perfect encapsulation of this whole...quest that I see myself as being on right now! I want to do just that because, let's face it, even if the M cannot be saved (please, lord, don't let that be the case), I still need to look myself in the mirror every morning and I'd like to like what I see there.

Hope I didn't put anybody off with my previous posts. I guess it's almost inevitable that you're going to hang out your dirty laundry on a BB such as this.

how else would you change or grow, if you are going to hide the truth from yourself and some strangers who want to help you save yourself, and your marriage? Most of this if VERY hard to do...but for me, talking here was NOT the hard part...it was the easy part and the comfort I found here and with my DB coach, was a miracle. I think it's healthy to finally, at long last, get these issues out in the open of course and perhaps get some hints on how to finally move past them and become the person I know I have the potential to become. Forget the hints. Get "the manual" and become a man only a fool would leave. That's your mission, whether she returns or not...

Thanks 25, and Sandi, and Stander and everybody else who reads and post. I'm learning every day and thanks to your tips I've got a much clearer view of what I should be focusing on. And I appreciate it.


And maybe - just maybe - it'll make my beloved W take notice.

It sounded like there was OM when you wrote this:




So is she having an EA or not? Do you really know, or are you trying to convince yourself there isn't anyone else? The reason I ask, is b/c some of the things I've said is based on how a WAW in a A would feel. The basic information is about the same, but we still need to know if there is an EA or not. It would have a great deal to do with why she's suddenly ready to leave the father of her four small children.

Hi Sandi,
thanks so much for offering feedback. You might have seen another post of mine where I jokingly mentioned that I was "bloodied and beaten" after a "working over" from you and 25, and as I said to 25, I meant no disrespect, in fact what I meant was that the feedback I got was very honest and insightful, and I needed to hear it, even though it dealt with some hard truths that I'm going to need to face if I ever want the DB process to work and if I ever want to stand a chance of restoring my M. thank you, for your honesty.

When you tell W she needs to stop being mean to you.......it puts you into a [whimpy], victim's role, which she will not be attracted to. The more a WAW disrespects her H, the worse she will treat him.

Too true. I see now that I'm going to need to make improving my conflict-resolution skills, learning better coping skills for dealing with my anger, and DETACHING my main priorities.

You are trying to force her to stop an A.

Not really. I don't think she is having an affair (other than perhaps a "close R" with the older gentleman, her asst. manager. But, what's odd is that I really do accept that I can't control her, and I don't obssess over whether she is with OMs when she goes out. I think perhaps I focused on these things to try to get a reaction -- any reaction -- out of her, because she can be quite stoic when she refuses to enage with me in a conversation. Which, ironically, I shouldn't have been trying to do in the first place! I'm learning. This has been an eye-opener for me, it really has.

You say you know it was wrong, but will it stop you the next time? When a person continues displaying bad behavior, apologies afterwards holds little value. If your W apologized for an A but continued having one, you would look at what she was doing instead of what she said.

As I said, probably no A, but point nevertheless very well taken. Excellent example, btw. As I've said, I'm really taking this advice to heart, and while it's unfortunate to lose a good deal of the progress I've made, I can take solace in the knowledge that it has crystalized the most important issues that I need to work on. It will NOT happen again.

You asked how you know if she hears what you say b/c she doesn't respond. I can sympathize, but again, you can't force it.......and that's exactly what you are trying to do. If you can't shock a response from her by threatening some action, then you say something worse. You are digging your own M grave!

This is the line that really hit home with me and made me realize how crucial it is that I no longer respond in this way.

You can't control yourself, so why do you think you can control her?

Another one that hit home. This is going to change. I'm determined to deal with my own issues much more effectively. Thanks for the reality check.

It sounds like a role reversal from when the everyday housewife would complain to her H. When a man is home all day and the W is out working, I think it might be easy to slip out of that image (for a lack of a better word) that she once saw him. I see it a lot here on the board, where the W's main interest becomes her job and the H becomes the housewife. That movie "Mr . Mom" has a lot of reality points. But of course, it ended well, b/c it was just a movie.]

I LOVE that movie. See, when we married, I agreed to take on more of the mundane, logistical things with the kids. My W loves her career and I respect and admire her for all her hard work. In the beginning I think that my admiration and respect was reciprocated, but a lot of times, it became difficult, for example, to send out all of my invoices promptly, because she needed to work late or left it to me to take care of sick kids or help out with school activities because, hey, "your at home anyway." It's a pretty common story, I think. But W becomes extremely agitated if anyone suggests that our roles our reversed, I think (but can't say for sure) because she might feel that it would be admitting that she was a little...lax, maybe (?) with doing her share of parenting? Or maybe she just feels that she really DOES do enough, but can't see the difficulty that it places me under if she leaves every bit of the kid stuff to me during the week. Something for me to think about.

So, you need to have a plan of action to work out your frustrations instead of how you've done in the past. Some people write the words they are feeling, and then destroy it. Some people have to do a vigorous activity. Please take this as fair warning, your words are doing incredible damage to your MR.

I've got another round of EMDR therapy next week, and this is exactly whtat I'm going to work on.

No more whines to your W about how hard you have it. No more threats and trying to control her. Step back and focus on being your very best. When you work toward being your best without expecting certain "rewards", then you will be a winner.

Deal! (one I've made with myself, of course)

Hi Sandi,

Here are a few more responses to your questions. Thanks so much for your feedback.

When I was a WAW, the last thing I wanted was my H asking me to take some quiz so he could speak to me in my LL.

You're right, I knew I shouldn't have asked her, even though people have been suggesting that I try to figure out what here LL is, but it just isn't the time. I even asked her to disregard my e-mail, but she sent the results anyway.

I purposely say this rather harshly b/c I want you to get your head screwed on straight and stop doing things before you think about it rationally.......which asking her to fill out any quiz that quiz is showing her how desperate you feel.

I have SO got to focus on detaching. It's just as plain as day to me now.

[B]Everything is different now. Do you really understand that it is? You are trying to keep a person who wants to escape having a life with you. Many times, it takes the LBS releasing that hold....before the WAS reconsiders their decision.[\b]

Exactly, and I want to detach from her emotionally, but it's going to take a lot more work on my part. I've picked myself up again and I'm back on track and knowing what I've got to do will be a tremendous help in the detaching process.

[B]Some people here may advise you to fight her every inch of the way. But I believe the more you fight and resist, the more she will want to get away from you.

I didn't think I was fighting her, but I suppose that any amount of pressure at all can be considered resistance.

I'm not telling you to give up loving her. I'm not telling you to give up having hope for a future with her. But I do believe if you stop trying to control her and force her to be where she doesn't want to be, you may actually get a second chance at life together.

Thanks. It's taken quite a while for me to wrap my head around the idea of letting go in order to bring W back to me, but as you somrightly point out, it's likely my one dim hope.

Oh btw, I knew you worked from home, but you are home with the kids all day while she's out in the work force......meeting attractive people who responds positively. But when she comes home, what she sees and hears is very much the same as men who use to describe the housewife. It has the same effects, it's just reversed from what was seen as "traditional roles", and I think it may be harder for some men when they aren't working outside the home, based on what I've read and witnessed over time. But whichever one stays at home has to work at staying attractive, interesting, charming, happy, etc. Every person who has been the parent to stay in the home (working from the house or not) and had to wear all the hats you've described knows how hard it is!

This might have been a bit chauvinistic on my part. I KNOW how hard a job being a stay-at-home parent is and I have tremendous respect for people who decide to take on that responsibility. But I do earn quite a bit from my translation work, albeit not an equal contribution to my wife's. perhaps it is a sore point for me because my W has at times been a bit demanding of my time, forcing me to work many nights and weekends, for example, when she works on a day that is technically her day to be with the kids. It's an issue we'll need to face whether we D or not.

Think carefully before acting on anything again.

I intend to

As for whether or not she is having an EA: I honestly don't know. I do know that she brought up her asst. manager's name at the restaurant where she BDed me, and wept while she vaguely referred to their "close friendship". He's an older gentleman, 63 I believe, but that's all I know. I told her early on when the D talk started up that I wanted her to feel free to go out and socialize (it was one of my 180s -- no more grief about her going out no matter how hard I day I was having -- and she said "even with (POM)"? At first I said sure, but then I got steamed up thinking about it and went back and told her I completely disapproved.

But, see, I know now that there's nothing I can do about that. I can't control her. Heck, I even said I was going to go out and do my thing, too (although obviously that was said in anger and I don't plan on seeing anyone else, too confusing).

I understand that it would explain why she would be "leaving the father of her four small children", but I can't read her mind. And I certainly ain't going to ask about it directly (I've almost got the rules memorized, god bless for those).

I can only keep a PMA, focus on my goals, be the best possible dad I can be, and try to focus on the small imprvements. Oh yeah, and DETACH!

Okay, thanks. No, you can't read her mind, but since I had an EA, I try to help the LBH's know more about her mental attitude. Men and women think so differently from each other, I try to help explain what little I can.



That was me responding to the question you had asked us about what to do toward her wanting a D. You wanted to know if you fight it or just give it over to her. But on the other hand, you need to realize that she sees you as fighting her. I think most WAW's sees any resistance from the LBH about a D..."as fighting her".

The way you handle yourself during this process could determine the future with her. Sometimes, a couple has to get away from each other in order to get better and then have a shot together later. But please understand that I'm not saying to go file, I'm just trying to help you see that D is not the end of life....or the end of a possible future together. I do believe the the more you resemble the back side of a donkey, the more she'll justify her reasons for getting out of the M.

Your children are blessed to have a father who loves them so much. They will look at you to see how an adult handles personal heartache. It's not a role you wish for any of them, but some day they each will need to have in mind that model of their father, and the example he was to them. In spite of the pain, I hope you can always speak to your W and speak about her to your children that is an example of respect. That is not always easy, but it's important....and it's for their sake you do it.

Keep learning. Stay encouraged to better yourself more each day. Believe you can....and WILL do it.

With that in mind, perhaps you could think of some personal goals. Don't make them with your W in mind, just you and how you can have better relationships.

you don't have to ask her to take a quiz for you to figure out her Love language. If we meant for you to give her a quiz, we'd have said so.

Telling you to "figure out" meant for you to do some detecive work and thinking and remembering her past reactions, and you know, you doing it. Not handing her a quiz "because" we told you to...

also I wasn't angry at all about your comments re me and Sandi. I just thought the way you worded things throughout several posts, sounded as if you portrayed yourself as a victim very consistently...and sometimes melodramatically too.

As for the house hubby, I feel for you. I have worked full time, stayed at home full time and done both part time. None are easy,

but IF I had to choose one path, at this stage (with teenagers) then I'd choose part time work BUT ONLY IF I had a partner willing to share more evenly with the child care and home maintenance...b/c otherwise I'm sabotaging my career...

IF my partner was unable/unwilling to help more at home (my h is an MD and most of the time his schedule is demanding, unrelenting and not flexible)

then I'd work full time and hire a housekeeper (which reduced conflict in our home by maybe 3/4)...

when the kids are small, the choices are often harder...I'd probably repeat what I did then, which was to stay home full time when we had our last, 3rd child.


But you probably HAVE had too much on your plate and your wife probably does NOT get that...

then again, I don't know if translation work is stressful compared to her work. For ME, practicing law CAN be stressful (trials always are) but law does not have to be. Mine usually was but it can Depend on the nature of the work.

My h's field of medicine IS ALWAYS stressful as it is in the operating room and he does dangerous work. It's Just how it is.


that's my .02 on this topic...more stuff later...

PS

my h might deny it and he might not even know it, but I AM SURE that his view of me, when I was a SAHM, changed.

Once the baby was walking, by a year old, he saw me as last valuable or less interesting.

I know I'm mind reading and maybe projecting too...but here's what I did when I sensed it.

I could either go back to work and, at the time I saw that as a disservice to the baby and older kids, OR I could GAL but not at the expense of the baby.

And that's what I did.

I worked hard to GAL and did everything I could when the baby was sleeping or when I had good childcare, and I worked out and looked better, took better care of myelf, etc.

Right or wrong (and I think it's usually wrong but it's irrelevant)

there seems to be a subtle (or not so subtle) shift in power when one person earns all the money.

fwiw

Thanks, Sandi. You're right, what I want most of all is for my kids and my W to be happy. I never stopped loving my wife, even when we were arguing and going through tough times. And this sitch has only made me realize how much I still love her and how much time I've squandered when I should've been working --doing anything humanly possible -- to have a happy, healthy, mutually beneficial M. I'm back to my 180s (which were working), and I've set a number of new goals for myself:
1. Participate in a conflict management workshop.
2. Find a job outside the home.
3. Start piano lessons.
4. Continue IC.
It's not much, but they're realistic, achievable goals for now and I think it will be beneficial for me, no matter what the future holds.

25, thanks for your feedback as well.

Yes, the LL quiz was a mistake. I told her to delete the email without reading it, but she did anyway and sent me the results. Even though she might feel otherwise, I know now that it was a boneheaded move on my part. It makes her feel like I'm pursuing her, when in fact I'm working on detaching.

So, if I'm hearing you right, you feel that perhaps my W has lost respect for me because she feels that my work is less important than hers? I actually think that this has indeed been a factor in her decision. As I've said, we agreed early on that she would focus more on her career and I would do more on the homefront. But as time went by, she felt increasingly free to let me take care of things on days when I should have been working. Translation may not involve taking someone's life in your hands, but a deadline is a deadline and if you tell people "no, I can't handle that assignment for you because my daughter needs tofor a checkup with her orthopedic surgeon today", eventually they are lessinclined to approach you because they figure they're on a deadline too and why waste a phone call? My responses, admittedly, could have been much more tactful. But I just felt thatthere was a great deal of pressure on me, with very little appreciation or thanks.

You're right, I've got to 86 this whimpy, passive-aggressive victim mentality. I think detaching will have a positive effect on this. I want to stand on my own two feet and do what I need to do with some modicum of pride and dignity.

I haven't talked about my kids too much on this thread, but a development today compels me to address the issue directly.

S10 has had some trouble with bullies in the past. We dealt with the issue together with his teachers, we talked to the parents of two boys who are actually good friends of his (and who were aghast to find out that their sons had been peer pressured into participating). We also enrolled him in a course that helped raise his self-confidence and be more assertive. Last year, another situation arose and we dealt with it again head-on.

Several weeks ago, he started to exhibit some of the same patterns as when he was dealing with the bullies: he was quick to anger, cried and ran to his room when I tried to ask if everything was okay, and so on. So, I employed some of the active listening techniques I actually started studying to deal with my sitch with my W, and yup, he confirmed that he was having trouble with a boy at school. So, I met with his teacher and the issue was addressed. We're planning to havehim participate in another course, but one we've heard people rave about. He agreed.

But last week, the same sorts of angry outbursts started occurring, so we sensed that the problem hadn't been resolved. So, I made a second appointment with the teacher and she was surprised that things hadn't improved. As we spoke, she mentioned that S had stated to her that he "felt happy at school, but was angry at home." Then, today, S was complaining that D9 "always gets her way". I again used active listening, and S then stated that he has "mean parents". I said, "i'm sorry you feel that we're mean. We never meant to be mean to you. Can you give me some examples of when you felt we were mean to you?" He responded, "you're not mean to me. You're mean to each other."

Now, he was not around when the heated exchange occurred (but has not and will not recur), so I can only guess that he senses the distance between his mom and dad right now, and of course the SBRs are a pretty clear giveaway that something's up. I told him, as we've told them before, that parents sometimes need some space, but we both love him very much. I spoke to my W later and told her what S had said and reiterated that I think the kids have a right to have every happy day they can get before the rug is pulled out from underneath them. W agreed, saying that "we know it's going to happen, just not when," so why make him worry when that day will finally come. I agreed with her, all the while praying that that day will never come.

It's interesting: I've been noticing other changes in them as well. S10 and D9 have been squabbling more lately, and I've had several talks with them about talking out their disagreements and respecting each other. Also, S has been hugging his mom a lot more. Conversely, my R with my daughter has probably never been better, while D9 has actually been more distant towards my W. in the past, D9 has always had a closer R with my W. Not that she and i couldn't get along, far from it. It's just that I've come to realize that the way to my D's heart is through a closed mouth and two wide-open ears so that she can just gush. I jthink that my W's standoffishness and aloofness towards me might be spilling over to them. What's interesting is that I think my DB techniques have helped enormously in my R with my kids, though less so with my W.

I have to be honest: I do have a lot of anger towards my W about what she is doing and the devastating impact it is sure to have on the kids. My parents split on my 2nd birthday, and it has had repercussions that still reverberate for me today. I am SO sad at the prospect of what we might put them through. Just wish W could open her eyes and realize that. She has this dream that we'll sell our house and find two smaller houses within walking distance of each other and everything will be great. If only she knew what it really means to be a single parent. Sorry, gotta go get a tissue...