Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Intro to my fight to save my life.

Hi all,
My name is Ryan. I've been married for over 17 years and have 3 beautiful young children all under the age of 8 years. On Feb 12th my wife told me she wanted a divorce. I was devastated as you can expect as I had no idea this was coming. I begged her to give me a second chance. I've always had trouble displaying my emotions effectively and since we had our first child things haven't been totally "right" in our relationship but I just chalked it up to a rough patch of having young kids like alot of people go through. I guess from my perspective, after the we had I child I kinda lost a wife. All of that focus that used to be on me now shifted to our child and it only got worse after after the birth of our other two kids (twins). I realize now that I didn't know how to express the feelings I was having and it started to build up walls within me . I guess thats where a real disconnect started to happen with both of us. She saw me disconecting and then started to build up her own walls. That started a negative spiral of emotianal withdraw for both of us. I still loved and her and do love her with all my heart and soul.
3 days after she told me this I find out she's having an emotional affair with an old high school sweethear from 20 years ago. We live 2000 miles away from where he is and they started communicating on facebook and via email and then to phone calls.. After I confronted her about it the affair went hot and heavy between them and hteir communication picked up. She initiated for us to go to counseling initially to see if the counselor could help me transition into the divorse and beyond. She says she had no idea that i felt so strongly for her still and that she tought I'd want to just walk away. Well I didn't and I don't. Our little kids and hte fact that i feel sh eis my soulmate and the love of my life isgiving me the determination to fight this as long as possible. She agreed to seek marriage counseling and to see counselling for herself as well. So we are both seeing counselors individually and as a couple. She had told me on March 6th that she would not contact him anymore. But a couple of times I found out that she had been looking at his facebook page and then i found her logged into HIS account one day. a couple of weeks later.
The OM is amrried with two older daughters of is own and i've been in contact with his wife since the beginning (she told me about the affair). She text me yesterday and today telling me how he has finally broke off their marriage and even told his daughters about my wife and how they are going to be together.

I'm waitin gfor the DR book to get here today. I've asked her to go to a Marriage bootcamp in Texas in a couple weeks and she agreed. We are all booked and committed to go. She has also told me that she would give me 6 months to work on it. I'm very much afraid though since he has now called off his marriage and seems more determined than ever to possibly come here and be with her. I also don't know if I can believe her at all. I she just paying me lip service and still going forward with her affair? Just last night she said she would not contact him anymore. I'm desperate.

I'm really confused about what I should do. She's now told me that she wants to separate at the end of the school year so as to minimize the impact on our oldest. I broke down today and told her that I love her enough to not fight her when that time comes and that I want her to be happy. Even if that's without me. I feel I made a mistake saying that. The OM is half way across the country. She said she wouldn't contact him during this time and at first she agreed to call him in front of me and tell no contact for that time. Then she backed out of the call and said I'd just have to accept a promise.
I'm lost, the more adamant I am the farther away ill push her.
After I told her I wouldn't fight her about separation and told her I'd always love her, she broke down and cried. She said she was sorry for hurting me. This is the first time she's cried since this all came out 6 weeks ago.
What should I do now?

I feel like its still possible to save us but just don't know where to go from here. She is "in love" with someone she hasn't seen in almost 20 years and only just reconnected with 6 weeks ago. I feel like its just a fantasy she can't let go of, but her feelings are absolutely real to her.
How do I deal with that?

I also hear the " I love you dearly, but I'm just not in love with you" bit.

Stay strong, wide awake. My Hs OW lives out of state too, but he gets to see her due to working together.

Them not being able to take it PA will help you. I'm also a beloved that if you are living in the same home it's good.

Welcome to the board

Get out and GAL.

DETACH.

Believe none of what she says and half of what she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.

Your W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.

USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Francis Bacon

Keep Posting but have patience for your posts to show up

Welcome aboard. I hope you'll post often b/c it will speed up getting off moderation and others will respond to you more.

First let me tell you that an EA is serious and the fact that OM lives across country doesn't lessen the affects on your W. An EA is extremely addictive! Every time she gets ant type of contact from OM, it [censored] her right back in. That's why she is not succeeding in finding feelings for you. The OM excited her. Made her feel alive, attractive, etc. there is information on the web about PEA's. If I had not received the information in how the brain chemistry works in EA's, I would have destroyed my life......being under the influence of an EA.

Nothing short of your W getting the information (willingly) and cutting all ties with OM, will work.

WAN,

Sorry to find yourself here, but at the same time be glad you found this board. The folks here can help.

It's scary our sitch is so similar! When you have a chance read my sitch read others too and you can pick up what might work for you. Glad the DR book is on the way.

You already have Sandi and cadet that's good. Keep posting it will help tell us more about you Ws complaints you can start there.

Take care,
Newman

Every time she gets any type of contact from OM it pulls her right back in.

Hi Ryan, my, my - what a parallel to my situation. I have three kids with my wife of 17 years (together for three decades), OM has two kids, he is a high-school flame of 32 years ago. Our BD was in February 2012. My W has been living together with OM and my/our kids for half a year now. I guess your wife has somewhat more decency and gives your M more time but still the parallels are eerie.

DR is the tool which has helped me most. Not regarding my wife so far, she is moving further and further away. But at least I have survived, emotionally and otherwise, and feel ok now, a year after BD. I have searched long and hard for any "tricks" to win my wife back, to influence her, to make her come back. There is no such trick. There is no control over the WAS. Forget about trying to influence her. Focus on yourself and your kids. Make sure that you survive the first weeks. Take care of yourself, eat enough, sleep enough, perform some exercise. If you have a job stick to it. And "GAL" - do things you like in your spare time, with your kids or alone. And only then think about your wife and detach as much as possible.

Hang on. It's not an easy ride but I promise it will get better.

Hi Ryan

I am pretty new around here, but in a very similar situation. I know you are feeling a lot of panic right now, I have had the same on and off for weeks, but it won't help you - if anything it will make matters worse. Try and relax a little, as others have said GAL, try and have some fun, and eat well! For the first few weeks I ate hardly anything and felt awful, I have since been going to the gym and eating like a pig and feel so much better about myself, which it turn makes everything seem easier to deal with.

As for OM, from what I understand there is little you can do about this right now. I am in the same boat, my W says she has no intention of taking her EA any further at this time, but I am not even sure if this is true as I have suspicions this has already moved into a PA.

So my advice is, try and forget about that, don't worry about next week or next month, think about now and maybe tomorrow. You W is willing to give you a chance and you M a chance by the sounds of it, make that time count - a lot of people on here, including myself have a W that has said its over and there is no chance of M working. So although you will find this hard to believe, your are lucky in that respect.

Hang on, be patient and don't panic. (coming from somebody who has done the opposite of that many times over the last month or two!!!)

I'm two weeks in to my S and I still feel panic. I suspect there's an OW, but have no concrete proof. I'm hoping that both of us can find the help we need here and have a positive outcome.