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IC went well today. I feel myself becoming stronger in this fight & stand for my marriage. I think I've found that it is easiest when I'm able to act "as if" and go about my day. It helps me keep a PMA.

Looking forward to GALing tonight. After a run at the gym I am going to have dinner with a few girlfriends. This is also a big 180 for me. In the past I would not have done something like this during the week & hardly ever on the weekend for that matter.

H called me at work earlier & said he was just checking in to see how my day was going. Before BD this was the norm. He's only done this a few times since Dec. the other times it was when he & OW were having problems…one can hope that is happening again. I can't let my mind & thoughts dwell on that though. I've got to stay strong & keep myself from an emotional mess. Especially since I don't know the reason.

Well, I'm having a rough morning. My mind is making me crazy. It just won't stop. I need some advice.

I've been doing really well with keeping myself busy & doing things for myself. I had an extra long run yesterday & it felt great. Dinner with my girlfriends was much needed & very pleasant. We had great conversation & even enjoyed a relaxing glass of wine. I've made a promise to myself to commit to more stuff like this.

Now to my dilemma & what is keeping my mind racing--H has not really spoken to me in 2 days. Monday & Tuesday were awful in regards to communication. I heard him leaving OW a message. H does not talk to her on the phone when me or our kids are in his presence. I did not know where he was or what he was doing until I came up on him in our closet leaving the message. He doesn't know I heard him & I don't plan on telling him either.

In the message H said that he wished she would answer her phone, that he had called her 15 times & nothing. That the last 2 days for them have not been good & he thinks that they should just end it now. But then in the very next sentence he stated that if they wanted to see each other again to make sure it was over he would up for that. He also said he would be willing to listen to her if she wanted to talk.

I know that whatever it is going on with him & OWs relationship is what is causing him to pull back from me & not talk or have conversation. He's been in a foul mood & seems sad & depressed. They have been texting back & forth like crazy. I have no idea what about. He didn't mention any details in the message he left her.

After going to bed he got back up about an hour later. He tried calling her again. After several attempts she finally answered & he was on the phone with her for 1.5 hours. I stayed in bed & have no idea what they talked about. I wish I knew where they stand?

So, my question is this: I want to ask him what is wrong. I want ask him if I did something wrong because he hasn't really talked to me in 2 days & if it's something I did I would like to know. Is this a bad idea? I don't want to mention the OW or anything I just really want to see what he says when I ask him about something being wrong. I want him to know that I've noticed the difference in his behavior. What do you think? Advice please!!

Ok. Need help/advice in regards to previous post.

H just text me asking if I was ok. Said I was upset when leaving this morning.
Do I go with my original thoughts of asking him what's wrong & if I did something? Or just tell him I'm fine?

Personally I would not respond at all.

What is a response going to accomplish?

Thanks Cadet.

I'm not really sure. It's not like me to not respond at all to a question though.
I guess I think I'm just fishing for him to open up to me & in the end I shouldn't be doing that.

He did just text again & said 'Hello?' I'm leaning to just saying I'm fine & leaving it at that.

I wouldn't ask him anything if it were me. Your H is cake eating and right now, you being nice to him and allowing him the "normal" home life while he's engaging with OW just lowers his respect for you.

Thanks Brekdown. I think I need to be reminded about the cake eating. I know I'm enabling him, I think seeing your words typed out have a bigger impact. Thank you.

I haven't replied & don't think I will. If he mentions anything again about it tonight while at home I'll simply just say that I'm having one of those days & leave it at that.

I have to agree with the other posters. Don't respond, or just give some non-commital answer: "oh, you know, stuff at work." Or something similar. He might be testing to see whether you've been snooping, or if he's been indiscrete.

I'd wait for him to come to you. Just my opinion. Good luck today and remember your PMA!

Thanks Papa4Life. I think that's what I'm going to do. You bring up a great point about him testing me. In the past this wouldn't be his style, but who knows now?

I definitely don't want him thinking I'm snooping. I know I should've walked away when I heard him leaving the message last night, but just couldn't bring myself to do it. If this ever happens again I will not listen. All it's done is make me think about everything all day long. I feel very unproductive.

Hi in_it, hey, I know how it feels. There's something so attractive about "intelligence gathering" -- catching our WAS in their private moments, hoping to gain some insight into our situation. Now, of course I don't know if your H really does suspect anything, but even if he does, hey, it's his own dumb fault for putting himself in this sitch in the first place.

But my larger point is that, while 'snooping' (for lack of a better word) is a bad idea because it can cause your H to become even more sneaky, the real reason it's not a good idea is because in the end you're really only hurting yourself. Dontcha think? Early on after BD, I 'overheard' my W talking to a friend, saying that she had noticed a number of things I had done recently that in the past I 'never would have done', but that it's "too little, too late" (that old saw). It made me upset because, I knew that I had done much more than she was giving me credit for. But the worst part, obviously, was that I couldn't confront her about it because I was eavesdropping when I heard it!! So now, I do everything I can to not overhear anything she says on the phone and I NEVER check out her e-mail or text messages. I just don't need to know because it doesn't get me anywhere and it can only make me feel worse. You should try to focus on yourself and not get too hung up on what he's up to because you can only control your own actions. So focus on yourself and make yourself into a person only a fool would leave. I know it's kinda cliche, but it's the truth.

Hang in there!