Tell him that you are happy that he is in contact with the kids but you don't feel the need to rehash or stay in contact with him.
At this point you don't own him anything and if him trying to reestablish some sort of friendship is bringing bad memories back into your life time to tell him you wish him well but its time to close the door.
Bea, I understand how you feel. Your guard is up whenever he contacts you because you don't know what he wants or which personality you will be speaking with.
I'm sorry his contacting you is bothering you just a bit. If you don't feel comfortable talking to him, advise him to text you...better yet...allow the call to go to voice mail. I do think that he's waking up and wants to reconnect w/you, but he just doesn't know how to go about it.
He's not going to go away until you firmly tell him that you don't want him contacting you.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I don't know if this makes sense, but I have to see this journey through. The emotions I am now feeling I need to deal with. For many years I thought friendship would be impossible, but now, if he is truly moving through the crisis - and I don't think he is one of those who fully sorts himself out - then I want to be there.
I think each journey, for the people here, is different. The greatest gift is to re-find ourselves, and make peace with all that has happened. If we get closure of one kind or another that is a bonus. There are no rules
He doesn't call, just emails, and not often.
MLC is just very very sad, and a terrible waste. The hardest thing is to keep a compassionate heart.
Bea, I do understand all the things you are feeling. My xh has been texting me here and there, more often. Your first instinct is self preservation.
And I think, with long term marriages involving children, in particular, you never really put it completely behind you because they are such a huge part of your life story.
The great thing now is that you get to decide what you want to do from a place of strength.
Mlc is very sad. That fact helps me keep a compassionate heart.
I don't know if this makes sense, but I have to see this journey through. The emotions I am now feeling I need to deal with. For many years I thought friendship would be impossible, but now, if he is truly moving through the crisis - and I don't think he is one of those who fully sorts himself out - then I want to be there.
I think each journey, for the people here, is different. The greatest gift is to re-find ourselves, and make peace with all that has happened. If we get closure of one kind or another that is a bonus. There are no rules
He doesn't call, just emails, and not often.
MLC is just very very sad, and a terrible waste. The hardest thing is to keep a compassionate heart.
No B. The hardest part is not keeping a compassionate heart although I think that's difficult on its own. I think the hardest part is to reconcile the relationship (not get re-married or anything like that; but to reconcile the relationship between two people where one was hurt very deeply). It not only takes a lot from the person that did the hurting, but it takes even more from the person that was hurt to go through that with the person.
That's how closure comes. It's honestly going to be about the only way I can think of getting total closure vs. just the feeling of peace and acceptance. Both are worthy, but that reconciliation of two people is priceless.
I agree that facing the feelings is very important.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Maybe I have missed something here, but without a compassionate heart no reconciliation seems possible. However the chance to reconcile is a gift, and few of us are given that chance. But we can all have a compassionate heart - it is our choice
It takes two to reconcile, even if the greater effort comes from one person. I have not been offered that, and doubt I will be. All I can tell you after nearly eight years is that closure is possible without reconciliation.
The best closure is reconciliation, I will not disagree.
Update. Yesterday was my birthday which incidentally was simply awesome from start to finish.
I was making a late breakfast with a friend, and fielding nice phone calls from other friends and family when the phone rang with a number I didn't recognise and I thought someone was going to try and sell me something, but it was my xh, saying 'Hello is it X, I wanted to call and wish you a happy birthday' My response was 'How kind of you to call' (auto-pilot due to shock). First time since BD seven + years ago that he has spoken to me on my bday.
This has been one mean and angry MLCer, and I have not wanted contact with him, and he largely avoided me and his children for years
So I was totally astonished. He was pleasant, and then said how much he has been thinking about the past recently and started talking about when our children were small and some of the stuff they had done, which made me laugh. Told me that he was seeing more of his children these days .... He has also contacted my dil (to whom he behaved horribly, to meet up and try and rebuild a relationship! - she told me that though) He also paid me several compliments, which as I spent many years post bomb as the source of all evil in the world was a nice surprise!
Wants to make plans to meet up when we are both in the same part of the world at the end of this month. I said Mmmmmmm, which is a useful comment I have learned during MLC (works in all sorts of situations with other people too).
Like Antonia, I realised how much I have changed during this time. As a project it is still work in progress, but I really like my life now.
And there is another thing, I think my xh is still in a relationship of sorts with OW2 who he met after we divorced, and i bear no ill will (still struggle with OW1 who was a real witch).
To be frank I am not entirely sure how comfortable I am being in contact with him because i do not feel it is entirely fair to her. I am not yet at a point at which I feel I can ask him outright if she knows he emails, me, sends the occasional gift, and now this call + trying to make plans to see me again.
Prior to MLC my xh was a lovely man, and it is good to see some of that coming back, but his crisis has been very long, and I have made a new life. In any case, he may genuinely be looking for friendship post crisis, and nothing more, which would be OK I think if we can pull it off. i never thought I would write those words, but there we are.
I am glad to have had the chance to grow and change - most of the process was horrible if I am frank, but now I am truly happy, and i want my xh to be happy in his life too.
I am pleased that he appears to be coming through it, and it is good to know that even the most stuck of people can shift. It does take time though, and we are right to move on with our lives. In my case it is not to a new relationship - that is a tough one after a long and very happy marriage, to a great guy, but I have great friendships, and a loving family.
Bea, Happy Belated Birthday! I'm glad it was an awesome day for you.
I'm not at all surprised by the call from your xh. He's waking up more and more every day. I'm sure the call shocked you since you've not had a call like that in many years.
He is definitely reconnecting w/family and friends once again and he's really trying to reconnect w/you as well. He's trying to find ways to open the door to your heart and he's still searching for the right key. He doesn't understand that his behavior changed the course of life for everyone and that you've changed so much during his absence. He's still thinking you are the Bea he left behind. He's going to find a new and improved Bea and it's going to shock him just how much you've grown.
Bea, in time, you will know whether or not you wish to have contact w/him on a periodic basis. Right now, it's still a bit of a shock to have him popping out of the wood work when you least expect it. If he's still involved w/OW2, it's not serious since he's sending you a gift or trying to stay in touch w/you. She's nothing more than a buddy at this point. I honestly think deep down he would like to rekindle what he had w/you...but he's still got a ways to go because he is still trying to figure out how to go about it. Bea, if and when the time comes, you will ultimately be the one to make the decision as to whether or not you want to have a more meaingful relationship w/him.
Bea, you are a wonderful woman and you have so much to offer the world. I'm glad you continue to post, share your life and offer up advice to others. Life is full of surprises and miracles. I do believe your life's chapter w/your xh is not over yet.
Have a great day!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
