Divorcebusting.com

Journal:
Dying eggs with D7 & D5. It's been great family time. It's these times I hope H sees what he would be missing out on if he does choose OW & leaves. I can see more & more each day that he tries to love & hug on the girls more than usual. He is wanting more affection from them. H has always been a huggy feely type so to see him want it even more is like he is just hugging them all day long.

H wore his wedding ring today. It's been a week or so since I've seen him have it on. I don't know why I get so hung up on this.

Still been thinking about 180's. I'm going to focus on trying to be more passive in conversation. I think I need this when speaking to H.

I've told him exactly where I stand & how I feel. I need to put more trust in The Lord that my actions & changes will be seen by H & make an impression. This is something I have discussed in IC.

Happy Easter!

Journal:
Great hunt with the girls. Enjoyed a nice meal with my side of the family including my grandparents. It's alway nice to see them. D7 & D5 love visiting with their great grandparents & I think that's awesome.

H said something interesting this morning…he was speaking of the future & us. He said if we make it through all this that we should really think about refinancing our house. He has mentioned future things before, but only a couple of weeks out.

Took lots of pictures during egg hunt. H even asked for a picture of all 4 of us. Then immediately wanted one of just him & the girls. He text that one to OW. It brought my mood down quite a bit. Would it be wrong for me to ask him to quit sending pics of our children to her? How would I even word it?

Hi in_it. I'm sorry you find yourself here, but you seem to be ahead of the curve in finding the sight and journaling.

Have you read DR yet? How about 5LL?

I recently read "Love Must Be Tough" and it was a wake up call on self-respect. I recommend that as well if you have time. I think the message will be tough for you to hear, but I also think this sounds a lot like some of his examples in the book.

I think it's important to start setting some boundaries. Your H is cake eating for sure....how much are you willing to let him? For me, I set a boundary of no contact with OM in the family home and no discussion to me about him in any way.

So what were the problems in the M from his perspective?

From yours?

What do you want to work on for you?

What don't you like about yourself?


Agreed.



I would dismiss that as WAS crap. They always say stupid stuff like that...believe nothing they say.

Breakdown, thank you for the response & advice.

I hear you on the cake eating & see it all too clearly. This is one thing I know I need to be stronger about. Setting boundaries is & has been tough for me. I'm a very strong willed person & know I can handle quite a bit. It's when he travels I become my weakest. Fortuanately his traveling has slowed way down. When the affair started he was away every week. This was from mid Nov until mid Jan.

Both of those books have been ordered & I'm awaiting them patiently. I will now be getting "Love Must Be Tough" it sounds like I need that one as well.

Problems in the M from his prospective are--he hasn't felt anything for a long time. Says there is no passion and feels more like roommates. No real elabotlration from that. I can say that I worried way too much about everything besides our intrmate lives. I made sure that the dinner cooked was what he wanted. Made sure all errands were ran, made sure D7 & D5 had everything they needed, etc. etc. etc. You get the point.
From mine--being naive. Thinking we would always be. Not recognizing or believing his signals & warnings. He had voiced them a few times in the past in conversation.

For myself my goals are to stay strong for my daughters. To keep myself occupied. To increase my excersise routine. To take it one day at a time & not try to get ahead of myself. Start drawing again.
What I don't like about myself somewhat goes with my goals. I don't like the fact that I try to be too pleasing. I'm a pleaser even if I don't agree with whatever the decision is I'll put on a happy face and go with it.

Thanks again Breakdown. You've made me really take a look at my situation from another perspective.

In terms of the books....read DR first. It'll give you a starting point, how to move forward. 5LL is more of a guide of what wasn't I doing right? And Love Must Be Tough is more about respect being the balancing point in relationships and how to keep the balance with affairs present.



That's not much to go on, but 5LL will probably help shed some light. Whatever his primary LL is, you probably aren't giving him...and I'd guess it's not acts of service since that's pretty much what you've been doing. How about physical touch or words of affirmation? Quality Time?



To GAL is important and I think exercising is the cornerstone of it. Think about something you've always wanted to do and haven't, or something that has always scared you....get out there and tackle something new, meet some new people. Be less available to your H.



So why do you think you are a "pleaser?" Where did this come from?

As you look at your M, what are the things that you don't like about your role in it?

Thanks Breakdown!
I think me being a pleaser comes from not wanting any confrontation--in any aspect. I don't want to sound weak though either. I'm a very strong minded person & if it's something I feel strongly about I'm not backing down. My 'pleaser' moments come in to play when deciding what to cook, where to eat, taking the last shower, choosing what to watch on tv, etc. Types of things that aren't a big deal, so I let them go without voicing my opinion to keep everyone else happy.

If I had to guess his 5LL is probably physical touch.

As far as my role in M I don't like that I've been as laid back as I have. We have never been a couple to celebrate anniversaries or birthdays. Something we should have been doing. We never buy each other gifts for Christmas or Valentines (although he did get me something this year). I now know I should be more focused on my relationship & not take anything for granted. I always assumed that we were stronger than we were. We have been the couple our friends always refer to as 'That Couple' the one that nothing will ever happen to. Ha!

How do you think that dynamic has played into your M?

A lot, especially now looking back. I think I thought by me acting & being this way was my way of showing & proving my love to H. When along he was needing something different.

Dig in to it...why do you avoid conflict? Where does that come from?

Thanks Breakdown. This is something I need to reflect on for sure.

Journal:
Monday was a busy day. D7 & D5 had gymnastics & then we practiced soccer in the backyard before bath time.

H was a little distant. I don't want to & am trying not to read anything into it, but I can't help but wonder if it was work or OW? He did embrace me in a huge hug when going to bed. He typically does not initiate this type of thing. Even have me a kiss on the top of my head. I'm just trying to chalk it up to one of those things a WAS does at times.

Today is a new day & I plan on conquering it from the get go. My goal for today is not to let my mind wander. Intend to do that after moments like last night with H. I will discuss it in IC today & try to leave it all there.

Hope everyone has a great day!
~in it