Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers After phone coaching session #2

My H cleared out in a really sneaky manner & changed our bank accounts and put me on an allowance and closed some accounts & changed all the passwords - we've never talked about it, but I think he was getting some really bad advice and I don't think he'd do that again. But I felt/have felt really threatened since then and didn't want him coming back to clean me out! I can't say we've restored trust, but his previous actions were really out of character. SO I don't feel unjustified in my actions (regarding alarm/protection), but it feels anti-friendly. Is this something I need to use to prove trust & make gesture of allowing him entry? Or wait for him to ask for it?

That makes total sense. I would have done the same thing. H and I's separation was a joint decision. Very civil, so that's the difference.

I think I just had my first lesson in not reacting in anger! And I think I did pretty darn well!

H came over as planned and even took my garbage down to the street. He is distant but I had the opportunity to share d17 senior pics with him and I know he appreciated it. I've been selfishly hoarding all the pics since we had them done last fall.

Made plans for d17 surprise bday party he slipped up and mentioned the event in front of her. Later he texted and said he felt stupid & sorry but I told him 'it's okay, she'll still turn 18. And she doesn't know any details, we can still surprise her!'

Then he asked if his friend that he's been living with can come to party. This is where I nearly reacted in anger and said h*ll no!! I reached out to his friend one time last fall and he was not supportive of me at all. And he's a confirmed bachelor and has never supported marriage.

But I did what my db coach said to do & asked if I can get back to him about that ... Then after the anger died down, I'm able to see that H's friend had been supportive to my family in a way by housing H. Plus friend would be there for d17 and my reasons for not inviting him are selfish. And lastly, it would be the biggest opportunity for me to demonstrate change - even if it kills me inside.

So I'm going to sleep on it, but think I'll even go one step further and invite H's friend myself.

What do I tell the part of my brain that says I am making this waaayyy too easy on H with all this acceptance? It hurts!!!!

even if it kills me inside.

Why would/will it kill you inside?

What do I tell the part of my brain that says I am making this waaayyy too easy on H with all this acceptance? It hurts!!!!


I get the feeling you think you should be punishing him in some way. Ask that part of your brain if punishment every really changes behavior in a positive way.

You've probably been using punishment for years (I did). Has it helped you or hurt you?

Between right and wrong there's a whole lotta room.

bug, it would kill me inside - I guess pride has been an issue for me this week. I think it would kill my pride. I don't want to punish H or his friend. That's the truth. I used to think I deserved justice or retribution, but I don't feel that way right now. H's friend has been involved in our lives for a long time and feeling I don't have his support, it would hurt my pride to have him at party. But I also realized last night that not everyone is going to support me and that's fine. H's friend does support d17 and that is most important.

Even making this way too easy on H is my pride speaking. I feel 'moving on' or 'accepting' this situation or H's actions wounds my pride and makes me a fool. But I'm accepting anyways, understanding that my actions are important, not my feelings. Feelings can change but my actions are on record.

Journal:
H came over to finally share finished taxes. I emailed him this am that I was making chili if he wanted some when he got here (his fav dinner) and he said yes. H showed up at dinner time and we actually had the first family dinner in over 7 months. H enjoyed, said dinner was great he was craving chili... kids were funny, good conversation, it was NORMAL.

Then he talked to D15 on couch while I loaded dishwasher, nice to see her opening up to him a little. She has to plan her school schedule for next year and he actually participated. I remember being the only one having those conversations with kids for the past 4 years they've had to register for high school classes.

Then we reviewed taxes and I was totally unconcerned about anything, just said "I trust you. If you think it's done let's file". It's not worth worrying about and I didn't feel like critiquing the completed job.

I asked him about his second job & he said he was still cutting back for April at least. I told him I didn't think it was worth the stress to continue working there, but it's his decision & I'm sure it will work out.

I did not do any R temp checks! Closest I got was asking about his plans to move down here (he lives 45 min away). Said he's been working so much he hasn't had time to look & was still planning on it in a few months. We talked about d15 & I was worried about her next year when d17 leaves & she'll be alone so much. He said when he has his own apt he can have d15 over to 'hang out'. He pointed out to me that he's been "very generous" financially and we'll have to make some adjustments for him to afford the move. I just agreed & said yes, you've been generous. I wanted to ask - have you consulted with an atty? Because you're right in the ballpark of what you'll be paying - but I didn't.

In the past 9 months, tonight was the most NORMAL family night ever. Last year we would have watched tv next & got in the hot tub at dark & it would be a totally normal night. H seemed very relaxed and comfortable. But then he left... which makes the whole NORMAL situation so messed up!!

I can't stop thinking now - is that what you were running away from? Our perfectly relaxed and comfortable home with our daughters?

I am really having a hard time digesting this tonight. If there was any trace of tension or discomfort it'd be easier to see him leave, but it just didn't feel that way. Blows my mind. But at least I know I am/was comfortable in my home and if this isn't what he wants then he's a fool because I had a lovely evening with my family.

I don't know. Highs and lows tonight. But it's done... and the wine helps.

I took the keys from H shortly after he moved out. Since my kids are little, we have a schedule as to when I expect him to come over. I leave the back door unlocked if I know I won't be home. There have been times he's locked out and I know he's upset but he tries not to show it.

As for the departures. I'm not going to say they get easier. There will be days it's easy and days it's not. But just like we digest all this the good days become longer than the sad days.

I would suggest to ignore when H talks about his future plans as a bachelor/single dad and when he discusses money. Let it go. I found out later on that my H would say these things so that I wouldn't be hopeful that he was coming back. (however he was hopeful to return)

Enjoy the moment. Consider having something to do right after he says goodbye. Record your fav show. Get in your hot tub. Knit. Read. Journal...

Thank you 2chiq. That's a great idea, I'll start planning something for after he leaves. Like I said, it hasn't been an issue because it's so new.

H sent a text in the middle of the night, thanks for dinner and thanks for finishing taxes with me.

I feel like I want to reply with another casual invitation for dinner, but that would obviously be pursing. But would it if it's only spending family time together? Maybe this is part of showing him how things could be again?

What do you guys think?

reb, it gets easier. I can remember H and I going to an appt with S20's IC and saying that anyone looking in would have thought we were still together. It was a bit surreal.I agree with vero, jsut be happy for the nice family evening, no expectation, no projecting into the future.

The punishment thing is tricky. In my sitch, so many think I'm being too nice. Like he shouldn't be able to see them easter. But I just ask, who do I want to be? My kids deserve to see their dad. Just because my H is being disrespectful to our M by having an A, doesn't mean I get to act like a scorned woman. Sure, people could excuse it, but that doesn't make it right. Do I feel like some days I'm just eating at Sh*t sandwich? Yep. But, treating my H like crap won't make me feel better in the long run. Holding on to that resentment and anger will only hurt me.