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hey hi and boy am i ever in your "boat" here. easy to SAY ac

t as if-

it's hard as heck to do and it's (like you) my giant stumbling block to the part of keeping on having the lite on. i swear- i'm sitting here thinking about the fact that i bet you the very next minute after his father died- he ran out of the room and got on his phone to make a reservation to get rid of me up in nj and hurry up and fly back to fl - to ow - asap. makes me sick- but he's got the 10 day advance thing right down to the minute practically- couldn't you just throw up to thnk it? it's like his love/sex texts to ow at his step mother's funeral!!! no kidding- saw them. his dad is there crying and he's doing THAT.

nevertheless - it's what it is - me vs the ow thing. i am insulted mostly down to the roots of my hair- to be soooo whammed aside for her. to know every single minute- she is his preference- AND also the bit about not sharing his friends. - TRUE HERE TOO. i just can't stand it today- i thnk i'm getting soooooo 'over it" and then here i am- up here in nj- he's here ( i do not know why - why he's here and why he is in my life at all) - i swear it-



me too - and i'm being honest. i'm no saint- but i don't nag. never have - i don't even say it out loud about ow- but i feel just as you do. i hate it - i hate her and when i know he's with her= i hate him. it's only a mattr of time i fear that it will "stick" and there will be no backs for us.



it's true- it's gross - talk about death by a thousand cuts - it's me and it's you. why do we endure it? i think finances sometimes- but that's not it. if it were- i'd have married someone for money and been done with i

all of a sudden- he's got all this social life and i'm not welcome in it- well, they know i exist- but it doesn't matter. i am not part of it and it pisses me off. alllll these years he's shared everysingle aspect of my life, friends, etc. AND NOW - kabam- HE'S SOME STUPID SINGLE GUY and he's out there puttring on that act.

hey hi dwan-

i hope your easter was nice. mine was surprisingly pleasant and no stress - my mom opted not to come- went to church with a friend. soooo i got to feel glad knowing she had an "activity " she enjoyed- and it was with someone not me - woo hoo.

dinner at my sisters was fun with no possible chance anything stressful would occur- clashing personalities- so we all had a nice nice time for a change on a holiday- yay.

ate too much- hope yours was good as well.

i ran away yesterday becaue i heard h come home downstairs - you know me- private eye that i am.

i got nothin today- i guess that's good too rite??

xxoo just saying hello- lots of daffodils blooming today suddenly from sunny day yesterday and rain last nite- yay.

out to rake and clean up a bit- new day- new whatever - new attitude- new "policy" letting go of guilt - it's something for me- i'm determined (yet again) one of these days / years i will happily report my progress -

outta here- garden calling with lots of little things popping up wanting sun and covered with leaves - need to go realease them from bondage and let them live- - - -

Journaling

The last few days have been very nice. H has been home during this time and I have really learned how to treat him as a roommate. I went full force with a family Easter, guest and all, as he sat in on the couch saying high to those who walked past. Once an old family friend came over he retreated to my bedroom and slept through dinner and laughter around the table, he was not missed.

I took the role as the family head and initiated prayer, as my S26 stepped in and handled carving the main course. We played family games afterward and my S24 made me his partner (taking his dad's roll) making it even and we kicked Cranium butt. Afterward, as I went in my room to lay down, H reflected on how he heard the laughter and enjoyed hearing the mature voices of our S's.

He stays away, but observes, he compliments, but wants not part of it, he brags to friends, but calls it our life (mine and kids). He wrote a friend saying the family has been at it for hours enjoying their Sun and it sounds like they are very close and happy. He was quite talkative to me the rest of the night (2am), finally eating and enjoy dessert leftovers, as I fell into a deep sleep. I woke to him over me making sure I was here and then holding me

I am happier these days mostly having to do with not seeking out his L or approval, not worrying about what is he doing w/ea, and focusing on moving forward. I am lonely but I'm not alone around all these guys, and I finally got to rub my S's GF's belly and feel the miracle of my developing grandson, it's a boy!

It's those days ahead, and the new or repeat of his sh!t I need to brace for, and have the strength to get through, and that darn MLC lingo, it makes me not want to hear his voice.

hey hi-

all in all sounds like a good holiday for you and family and some real good pma. yay for you.

mine was okay too- wierd that your h listens and enjoys from a distance- i geuss he feels because of his "decisions" he can't participate- interesting tho that he feels connected and "there" vicariously-

oh well- i never ever pretended to even get it at all with these mlc guys.

it's sure a learning experience. - tho, who would EVER want to learn what we have.

hope it doesn't taint our pma's in general, in life forever. i guess only can if we allow it- rite??/ we do have a choice rite??

dropped h at the airport just now. wierdly detached (me) and not involved. slight spat over my mom- his "advice" about it. pointed out my defensiveness - i had to say , well, my feeling defensive is a huge part of what my life is at the moment- my life "with" him in it and him telling me he wants "less of me in his life" - how could one not be insulted and feel trashed - i'm asking ya??? - soooo wtf if i'm a bit less than perfect or gracious about it.

truly- what the heck could be in this guy's head???

i didn't feel a bit bad- honestly- i don't care what he thinks of me. it's not like there's any justice here- he's still looking to make me "bad" so he's justified in cheating. fine- he wins - he's perfect and i'm a schmo - so, like, who even cares????? i don't think he'd be so defnsive himself if he felt like such a swell guy- oh well huh?

so i guess i'll feel a bit lonely- he was nice last couple months - but still totally not connected to me- it's hard & sad- and of course, it is what it is. i don't see him changing- he's still convinced he LLLLLOOOOOOOOOVVVVVES her (i guess - i read hm telling her that- he doesn't say that to me) he must have made his reservtion to leave here one minute after his dad died- Jesus- iiiiickyyyy.

i'm just waiting...

i'm okay tho- enjoying a spot of sun- i thnk my neice will come over to work on a school project- another friend has a cake to share (??) she knows my weaknesses - another walks every nite- i guess i'll survive and so on---

that's it for me- no insanity at the moment thnak goodness...

xxo

I want to share my H's letter just because it's that bizarre....I don't want this MLC lingo to get me down, I want to work on exactly what I should, me!


Let me be miserable, let me be angry, let me sell my soul to the devil and if I hang out with street urchins/ea when I can't handle it at home (because it's to nice and peaceful) leave me be. I am lost, I am gone, I don't see myself returning. Should I, yes, it would be best, but I am not looking for what's best for me, I will however always make sure you guys are taken care of and not touched by my darkness.

When I am in the darkness, don't look for me, don't try to rescue me, you can't help me with this! I am very sorry, I wish I could give you the H you love back, and "come home" but come home to what? This life is over for me, I am never going to be happy!!! I trust that you will carry this family through and become an even stronger happier family once you stop letting this emotional stuff about me go.

You have done nothing wrong, I haven't done anything wrong it's them, it's the way of the world and it's how society treats people who try to do good and be good. I will not go back to being good as it has gotten me nowhere. You be good, let the kids be good, let me go out into the darkness and make the f***ing money that yields nothing, cause that's all I am after right now, it's about the f***ing money, f**** my life, but I'm never going to say f*** your life.

I never lived for money but now that's all I'm after. Is this God like, I don't think he wants me talking like this but I have gone to far now to go back. I have fallen from grace and I will not be walking into the gates of heaven. You walk with God and guide the kids, let me go into the darkness, and return all the benefits to you (money). END

So I'm not sure why I am sharing this but it feels like a release,not to hold it all in and let it rattle around in my imagination. This man is so gone, I am sad, but I am also glad to not be dragging behind him. Today's the first day in a while he hasn't come home, he is working for some trashy friends of ea doing carpentry for chump change. He calls it his money, because he won't take from the family money for beers or eating out w/trash.

I have stayed quiet all day, but writing this down on this site is helping me stay quiet all night and not call him once he gets to work. I don't get anything from calling him, but I get my say and he takes it, I don't want to do that! So according to him sit back, enjoy life, bills are paid, if not life insurance is plentiful.

In God's hands...can I pray for a speedier finish to this madness!

hey hi and wow-

(legal disclaimer: i've got some comments - but KNOW it's coming from me- a lbs who is hurt & can't fathom how decent men turn off their decency and embark on a route that tries to destroy someone that loved them) UH HEM - ANYWAY:

it is an amazing little document to read - it amazes me that he writes this stuff down and is able to articulate . (i've never loved a man that can actually "speak" honestly like that about his feelings) to me- (pollyanna that i admittedly am) I'd think it means he's still alive in there somewhere and wanting to communicate with you- WANTING you to UNDERSTAND, wanting you to not be feeling like the cause of anything- wanting you to KNOW how highly he thinks of you- wanting you to be OKAY somehow despite his sinking into his own particular abyss. again, shade my comments with my own totally, non-speaking H sitch.

I say amazing because my H does not communicate about one single thing- not good - not bad - not what's up with him- not how he thinks it makes me feel- NOTHING AT ALL. EVER (well, aside from his very very effusive "I care for you a great deal" - THAT IS ALL (WTF??) CAN you spare it? - i construe it as total total non-caring IN EVERY way shape and form. . he's soooo unable to talk of feelings if they are real and serious. he can slather all sorts of crap around to people who don't matter really. he is all "the show". he is sooooooo UNABLE ........ to give or get understanding- to talk about feelings - actions - or maybe even want it. (understanding) soooo needy to keep himself to himself- wtf is the prize here??? you end up with what? yourself - big whoop! i'm such a "group-person" - he played with bugs when he was little- i had 4 sisters - ta da!

your H wanting you to understand - this seems huge to me -. I get it that it doesn't fix anything for you to understand what's going on inside him- BUT - the fact that he wants you to know what it is- IS THAT something or nothing really to you? does it show you something about him that he WANTS YOU TO? are you sick of hearing him talk about HIM??? i'm trying to gain insight here about myself thru you and your sitch here maybe while you are trying to also - so that's why i'm asking when i comment. (hope that's okay- . I know it's not the same- but it's interesting

(H accuses me alllllll the time of "needing to feel understood" - it pisses him off- he can't stand that i explain (anything).") (he f'ing picked me that way - who i am(was) an explainer) but now- he hates it - - when we're disconnected and he can't stand to know how i feel.

i'm trying to stop- possibly it's a huge flaw I have - do you feel like that when you read YOUR H'S "explanation"? do you feel mad that he's bothering to tell you yet again HOW HE FEELS. DOES IT MAKE YOU FEEL like it's all about him? i WONDER- maybe he, like me - feels like he doesn't want you to think it's you, or hurt you or you think it's easy or casual for him- (something like tht?) we're opposite ends i know

he probably feels judged harshly for things "beyond his control" (well- hard for him to control). in the end- we all could control ourselves couldn't we??? if we really tried hard?


your h's letter - i'd think that is a decent streak in there - (mind you- he does not just stop hurting you) ..... this is where i lose "touch" with these mlc guys. either you want to hurt someone and you do- or you stop it - whatever way you can. you extricate yourself to let the other person go away and be happy without you. you don't keep in their face and life & torment them with your betrayal and distance.

my h is a solitary jerked up guy- BUT when i read your H's stuff - he sounds incredibly "messed up" but still wants to reassure you- still wants you to feel secure

i'm not sayin you have alot of hope for the future of this man or with this man- i thnk we've both agreed a million times it's best for US to let it go and detach as best we can. only way to endure it all and go forward in any sense without losing our own marbles.

HOWEVER - IM just commenting off the top of my head- frommy own particular little black hole here. okay?

gotta blow- company imminent- hope i mde sense- i need to think on this and reread it- it's surely "someting" to hear inside his head'

xxo hang in there- xxo ((( )))

Nero, I have never looked at it like that but I guess there is something to what you say. Thanks for your prospective and never feel the need to sugar coat anything you say, I'm not a defensive person, I want responses, even ones I may not want to hear. You are right, he makes a very big effort to make sure I understand I am doing nothing wrong, how it is all him!

I'm not sick of him saying it, as I am a girl who needs reassurance, but I am sick of him still on this wrong path, and knowing very well that he is...while doing nothing to change it.

This is not a life I want for myself anymore, he needs to go be a POS somewhere away from me, he offers me nothing in a M other than support and has nothing left of who he was to give this family. That's what I'm sick of most...his need to be a "not a good guy because it got me know where" somewhere away from me now.

It would be best for both of us as individuals to live alone. It will help him to face the sitch and the consequences of his actions. I really believe this, being home is not giving him something to work toward as far as family, he takes it all for granted.

How to execute this seems to be the million dollar question! Financially, it's seems impossible! But, something has to change...I am taking it day by day.

I have constructed my personal list of things I have learned painfully over the last yr. This is of course is nothing more that a list of what I have been advised over this time by everyone on this site, but this is a list of what I have finally accepted for myself.

What I have learned....

When a spouse wants to walk away, let them, offer a suitcase, and you decide if you want to leave the door ajar behind them.

MLCer's do NOT live happily ever after with OW or OM

Let go sooner rather than later.

MLC has nothing to do with you, it's a personal crisis they blame on you.

Revenge isn't nessecery, they will ruin themselves all on their own.

As soon as the bomb drops, go NC and protect yourself.

Remember to love and respect yourself, as much as you were willing to love your spouse. I seem to shortchange myself, but lavish him.

You have been living a with a false H for quite some time, by the time they bomb you they have already been at this for a while.

Don't look back in pain and romanticize your R, accept the last few yrs for what they were, and see your S for who they have become.

They are not the S's we know, they are strangers with strange ideas and no filter for how they will treat you.

The acceptance stage can end up being that they accept all their own MLC lingo as truth and it becomes who they are, and how they want to live the rest of their life.

Loneliness is not a reason to compromise yourself to you S. What am I missing anyway, H is not good enough for me anymore, he's gone!

This is my montra for when I feel down or anxious, it's helps me move forward, I pray for the day it comes natural for me and "all about H" is truly an afterthought.

There is no end to this list for me, I am still learning and growing everyday. I learn from this site everyday, I am thankful for all I read here and everyone who shares their personal story.

Yesterday was a day of H screaming until D19, S26 and I all told him to be quiet!

He turned to me and said...all this reaction, screaming, and rebellion is all fear, fear of never moving forward, fear of failure, fear of life.

I handled myself well, I didn't engage him, and I felt better for not going into a deep session with him over his sitch. Someone told me I am at a stage of strength, and it is getting closer to some real decisions, life decisions.

I don't know about forcing things, it never works out my way, then I worry about not letting things flow out of Gods hands, I screw that up also trying to take control.

I feel as if I am at a loss for we're to turn next, while living with the sound of his voice that makes my spine curl, and to look at his face that is so ugly. While in the same house I struggle with the anxiety of driving up the drive knowing he's home, or him walking in with his snarl on his face while I'm enjoying the peace around me.

I'm going to consider, without pushing, a separation somehow and see if something can develop naturally to make it happen. I don't want to live with him anymore and I believe it would benefit both of us.

How.....not sure but I am putting it out there! How do I move forward without making a mess?

WOW! I don't even know what to say. Lately, I've been thinking about how much of this stuff I really need to put up with. Where is the boundary? Have you given this any thought?