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Val,

How did the tea go? I forgot you had a thread here too.

Thinking of you today...

Paige - It was hers.. She's been in program and on her 9th step. She invited me for tea to make amends. (I assumed that was the case)

How am I doing? Well.. I'm... o..k.. Pretty rough emotions yesterday and this morning. I still haven't been able to post about it because my pendulum is really swinging between being loving and being very pissed off.

Date for tomorrow got rescheduled to next Wednesday. Friend was invited to go to mammoth for a meditation/skiing thing..

... I was totally supportive. I have no time for "woe" is me or self doubt.. I have no time for my own insecurities caused by my x.

I just told her to give me a shout when she gets back into town. She replied saying that she will definitely talk to me before then.

So the saga continues....

I can't imagine how hard that must have been for you. I hope you got more closure out of it. I can't imagine H making amends. I might want to kill him poison his tea...

That is too bad date got rescheduled. Would have been a great distraction for you.

I hope you made some fun plans for the weekend. I know it is easier said than done but try not to dwell on xw and what her motives are.

Am here if you want to talk

(((((((((Val)))))))))

Ha - Poison.

I'm glad the date got rescheduled. This girl deserves my full attention. Sometimes things work out for the better..

I've learned not to even attempt to understand my x. She's in program.. she's on her own journey.

I tend to GAL a little hard. Last night, line dancing, tea with new friends today, tomorrow I'm volunteering at an animal shelter AND going to a comedy show in the evening.

I don't even know how I would fit in a relationship in my new life....

Hangout # 2

Well... I guess it was bound to happen. The conversation about my x. I was hoping that this would be a later conversation, but this girl can see through me? For 2 people who can barely make time for each other - we sure have really deep conversations.

We were walking and talking. I made a side comment about getting a tattoo of strength on my wrist as my family has been through alot. I didn't think anything of it at the time... but I guess it peaked her interest.

I guess I walk with confidence and know who I am and what I want (WIN!) but that it is a confidence that was born from extreme pain (her perception and truth actually). So she asked what happened in my life that made me this way.

So I was honest. I talked about my terminally- ill mother and sister, I talked about the loss of my marriage. I explained the pain, my x in program, how it changed my life. She said it was inspirational... I was horrified.

I know I cannot hide the past, nor do I try to. Actually I'm pretty open about it since it's a huge catalyst to why I am so positive and loving today.

But never on a date...even if it's a hangout - there still a part of me that is interested in her as more.

Will she run - she said not.. but we will see.

It brought up a ton of triggers for me though. Kinda threw me off a little bit.. so when I said I got pushed around alot in basketball because of how the other girls are stalky and I'm small... and she responded with - I would call you stalky, you got meat on your thighs....

...that just killed it for me. Do I think she meant harm... no, but being married to someone who "criticized me out of love" destroyed my self-worth. I don't want that again.

I'm not really sure what to do at this point. I do want to date, but I realized that there is still so much growth left to do.

But then again - who calls a 5'8 woman who wears size small shirt and size 4 pants - stalky?

Urgh

Stocky - seriously??? Size 4 pants????

She probably did mean it in a good way, but I'm with you on this one. I could never be thin enough for my ex, even when I was 5'6" 125 lbs. I'm a curvy girl even when I was underweight (that was really too thin for me) and I'll always have chubby thighs at any weight.

One of the nicest things about dating after my divorce, has been the fact that NONE of the guys I have slept with since, have had ANYTHING but lovely things to say about my figure. Most embraced the things my ex thought were flaws.

So - don't jump to conclusions, but if you pick up any more vibes like that - move on.

Ah yes.. stocky was the word I meant.

It's a hard balance between when I need to realize when it is MY problem vs. when I don't need it in my life.

I honestly don't know with her. .. but currently my gut says to move on.

She asked me to text her when I got home. So I did, thanked her for a lovely night and nice conversation. She never replied. I find that rude.

And although I do like her and I feel I'm pretty good at letting people be who they are - there is a small voice that says.. "Why are you put up with this??"

Stocky?, No I don’t think so. I’m with KLM here.

It is all subjective anyway. I was called stocky in HS. 6’1” 180ish tackle on the football team, wrestled at 165. Maintaining my weight to stay in that wrestling weight class was brutal and unhealthy. My X varied from an unhealthy size 8 to 14 and was never happy with herself.

Lets take stock. You do enjoy dancing and running right? These are both healthy GAL activities right? Dancers and runners generally have healthy musculature on their legs and taken together the muscles of the upper leg are some of the largest on the human body. Healthy musculature is important to overall health.

What matters is what you think of yourself. Are you happy with your appearance? Do you think you are healthy? I hope so.

People have times when they are less pleasant to be around and we all have choices. People will show their true self eventually. Have you known her long enough to have seen enough? It is a question I ask myself.

I am happy with myself. I have gained by half of what I lost from the BD. I am okay with this. I am in shape and I know that.

As for her - I think I have seen enough to not pursue. We haven't spoken since Wednesday and I'm okay with that.

I went out Thursday - Saturday in which I spent the evenings getting hit on repeatedly or with friends who love me for me.

And what I realized (after a few beers and a smacking from 25) is that I can have this in a relationship too. A woman will find me beautiful - heart and soul...

... and that woman is worth waiting for.

I've pumped the brakes on dating.

When I'm not actively looking for a "partner".... I'm much more confident. I'm much more capable of being myself.

There is something in me that switches over when I start looking. I lose what usually comes naturally to me. I second guess myself. I see potential to slip into my co-dependent ways.

My best friend reminded me that I am still in recovery and just as I had to be really honest with myself and my friends when it came to triggers.. I have to be really honest in my relationships as well....

... except I don't know these folks. Who wants to say "Hi, I'm Val and when you say negative x, it reminds me of my x who treated me like cr@p for 8 years ".

I struggle with my thoughts. Part of me thinks that it's my responsible to get over it. Just as I had to work through it with my friends, I have to work through it with my dates....

... but at the same time.. I don't really want to with potential mates. I kinda just want them to be awesome and to not have to work so much from the very beginning.

Regardless - I don't think physical chemistry is possible because when I am triggered, I just want to be done. I want to run away.

So at this point, I've stopped. Now - I'm just an excellent wingman... or wing woman.