I absolutely agree that your relationship and interaction with your H will be confusing to your kids, regardless of what those interactions might be. If you want nothing to do with him, they will wonder why. Both of you will be suspect in the minds of the kids and then... they will also possibly suspect themselves as being the reason. In just the same way that they will have hopes if the two of you are even civil with each other, never mind going on a trip together and staying in the same room.
Going on this outing in the first place will send mixed messages to the kids, in the same way as not going along, even though there is a ticket for you. In the same way as travelling together, yet staying in separate rooms or staying in separate buildings.
AD. You need to decide what YOU want, here. What ever you do... or do not... will have positive and negative consequences...
Friends can share a room... or friends can travel separately... You have accepted the ticket from your H and the ride. Why could you not accept the room?
Of course, I am only speaking to your sitch. I would go with a friend. I would travel together. And I would share a room with them. Even if your kids thought that maybe the two of you were to get back together, at the very least they would see that the two of you can get along.
We aren't friends. I'm his adversary in an upcoming legal case, although we're trying to be civil and cooperate with each other for the good of our kids. So I wouldn't share a room with him on the basis that we're friends, because we aren't.
I also wouldn't share a hotel room with a male friend; I would get my own room, it's just more appropriate to me.
I shared a room with this man for 18 months that he didn't look at me, touch me, connect emotionally with me, or give me one scrap of human concern or kindness, and the reason I did that was so my kids wouldn't know their family was in trouble in case we were able to turn it around in counseling. During that time, it was very painful for me to be in such close quarters with him. He would walk around naked or lie around in boxers like I was nothing more than a piece of furniture in the room. On this trip, I can ask him to dress in the bathroom and stay clothed in the room, which I feel is out of line since it's his space, or I can get my own space where I can be comfortable and have privacy and not feel like I'm being treated like a piece of furniture without feelings.
I don't think I need to pretend that I'm fine with sharing a hotel room with a man who does not love me and has no interest in being married to me, in order for the kids to "see that the two of us can get along." They would be actually seeing that mom pretends she has no feelings so that it can look like she and dad get along. Playing all day at the amusement park together is getting along enough.
I ran it by my sister and my brother tonight. My sister said I should share the room. She thought maybe it was an overture toward reconciling and I shouldn't push it away. I believe in my heart that if my H ever makes an overture toward reconciling it won't be so ambiguous and subtle. In fact, I'm not coming back to a marriage where love and desire are assumed rather than expressed, and "you big baby" is the upper limit in affection. If I don't know he really wants to try, I'm not going to hear and guess, interpret and assume. I might even need an engraved notice. After almost two years of being told pointblank by him not to have any hope and not to have any expectation, the fact that I wasn't actively not-invited on this trip is not even close to an overture. The very fact that she thought it might be, and in the bottom of my heart I thought it too for a second, is just why it would be hurtful and confusing to share a room on this trip.
My brother on the other hand, said H was oblivious of social graces and thinks it was inappropriate to assume we'd stay together.
I'm aware I'm overthinking it. I just have a sick feeling about suppressing my feelings and staying in the room with him, and I have a sick feeling about being the one who insists on separate rooms. I have a sick feeling thinking about staying home which I really don't want to, and I have a good feeling about being at the park together riding the rides. I have a sick feeling about getting divorced, but I have a good feeling about being past being divorced.
A year after we're divorced, when we've been dating other people and moving on with our lives, there is no way I could see myself vacationing with and sharing a hotel room with him. I think it's confusing now because we're more used to being married, but we're much closer to being divorced than to being married right now.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
I think not sharing a room is the only sane decision here.
I think of Similar dilemmas when my h does the smallest nice thing towards me. If our h ever want to restore our marriages they gonna have to do more then make a small gesture. We deserve more.
Sounds like a fun trip, maybe separate space will be more fun for the whole family. Atleast it may give you some time alone to catch up with an old friend
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
I think that while you might feel you are over thinking this, I do believe that it is good to look at both, very polar scenarios. Personally, I would not go on the trip.
Is there any reason and way that you could turn the trip into a mini vacation for yourself, travelling alone, meeting your kids and H for the time at the park, and then spending some extra time in the area alone, as a tourist?
Oh, KD, thanks for clarifying. I have a small number of friends and I treasure them. It's not a label I apply lightly. I thought you meant going with the x-spouse "as friends".
Interesting ideas and I'll think about them all. I feel less panicky when I realize this time next week I won't have to wonder about it anymore.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
o I find it a creepy way to reconcile, if that is his goal o if find it too sudden a jump on the path to reconciliation o if anyone should offer to share a room in such a situation, it should be you, not him o he still has the chance to reconcile on this trip, but in a different, cleaner, way
Good luck -
Luke
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
AD, good luck on your decision. It does sound like you know what you want and how you want to behave. Stick to your guns, don't let him pressure you to do something you are not comfortable with.
You can not change your past, but you can ruin a perfectly good present by worrying about the future.
If it's the right decision for me, why do I feel sick to my stomach about it? and all of its alternatives...
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
